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That’s racist.
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The Daily Me Staff
You Shouldn’t Be Worried About That…The Plane Would Probably Be Headed For A CIA Black Site
The day before the Olympics started, American President George W. Bush gave a speech calling for “a free press, freedom of assembly and labour rights” in China. The Absurd Ironyometer would comment, but it’s concerned that if it does it might find itself on a military plane headed for Guantanamo Bay.
SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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DON’T Mention: Tibet, Darfur Or Lap Dancing
Democratic Socialism has proven itself to be the superior national ideology, most recently by being awarded the 2008 Summer Olympic Games. Because of this, the Chinese people can be magnanimous towards people of other nations who will be gathering in Beijing for the Games. Please consider (by which we mean: obey) the following list of dos and don’ts when dealing with foreign visitors:
DON’t: spit on the sidewalk. Unless you’re chewing American tobacco. And, nobody is watching.
DON’t: ask foreigners about their age, income, marital status, address, past experience, personal life or religious or political beliefs. Unless you are considering marrying them for their passport so you can move to their country. In which case, don’t talk to them at all.
DON’t: wear white socks with black leather shoes. Our black sock manufacturers are hurting, here, people. ALSO: don’t wear pyjamas outside of your home. Yes, we’re looking at you, grandmother.
DON’t: maintain eye contact for more than 30 to 60 per cent of any conversation. It makes foreigners think you have a special interest in them. Do not keep looking at your watch to keep track of the percentage of the conversation you have been making eye contact. It makes foreigners think you don’t have a special interest in them. If in doubt, pretend you hear your spouse calling and quickly walk away.
DON’t: cheer only for Chinese competitors. Cheer for competitors of all nations. This will make foreigners think we actually care about them. When Chinese athletes beat the pants off of everybody else, feel free to cheer for them as they accept their gold medals.
DO: enjoy the Games.
– excerpt from Making the Running Dog Imperialistic Lackeys Comfortable While Attending The Olympics For the Greater Good of Mother China, a book distributed to Beijing residents by the Chinese government
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/10809638280247537474864cahs01.html]
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Can He Transform Himself Into A Realistic Trade Policy?
The Canadian International Trade Tribunal has ruled that a Transformer known as Megatron can be allowed into Canada. Although Megatron transforms into a facsimile of a Walther P-38 pistol, the Tribunal ruled that it did not break the law against importing objects designed to look like a real firearm.
WHO CARES IF HE’S A GUN OR NOT? HE’S FREAKIN’ MEGATRON! LEADER OF THE DECEPTICONS! HE’S PURE EVIL! IF THIS IS HOW THE NEW IMMIGRATION LAWS ARE GOING TO WORK, WE’VE BEEN GYPPED!
SOURCE: Playtoy Magazine
[http://www.playtoy.com/worldofplaytoy/hmh/hanging/hangin-with-herf-001.html]
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My Role Model Beats Your Floor Model
The Canadian Olympic Committee chose kayaker Adam van Koeverden to carry the flag at the opening ceremonies of the 2008 Summer Games in Beijing. “Why is it that boycotting the Olympic Games is considered to be an appropriate sacrificial lamb for the advancement of a political agenda?” van Koeverden wrote on his Web site.
Unashamedly self-interested? Perhaps. Politically naive? Definitely. Role model? Absolutely!
Look: getting to the Olympics isn’t hard. You just need a freakish devotion to unnatural physical development and an undying loyalty to the country that put funds towards your training.
Who wouldn’t want to model that behaviour?
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/Opinion/2008/08/07/519727.html]
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Times Change, Economic Motivations…Not So Much
“I pointed out … that continued aggressive actions by the Soviets would endanger the participation of athletes and travel to Moscow by spectators.”
– President Jimmy Carter, explaining why he called for a boycott of the 1980 Olympics held in Moscow
“One of the reasons I’m going is because I want to show respect to the Chinese people, and this is a proud moment for China.”
– President George W. Bush, explaining why he was attending the 2008 Olympics held in Beijing
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Truth Is Whatever Don Draper Says It Is
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1067352104]
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Great Leap Forward…One Small Step For A Man – It’s Such A Fine Line
As part of its agreement with the International Olympic Committee to hold the 2008 summer games, the Chinese government agreed to create protest zones for citizens with a grievance. And, China has complied. It has only added two small stipulations: those from outside Beijing are not eligible to enter the protest zones, and; those from Beijing are not eligible to enter the protest zones.
“You see?” commented IOC President Jacques Rogge, “In return for hosting the Games, the Chinese government is opening up!”
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s119/Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=00000]
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Because President Bush Is Freedom’s Quarterback, Buster, And Don’t You Forget It!
Why do all American commentators pronounce New York Jets quarterback Brett Favre’s name Farve? Are they all dyslexic? Do they still hold a grudge against the French? Why don’t they just call him the Freedom Quarterback if that’s the case?
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml#56138137485]
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The Chinese Invented Spaghetti; It’s About Time They Took It Back
Given health scares over Chinese food exports, athletes are rightly concerned that the food they will be getting at the Olympic Games may affect their performance. To quell these concerns, the Chinese government has assured competitors that the food it supplies them will be of the highest quality. It’s all being imported from Italy.
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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What, No Pineapple Express? What Have You Got Against Seth Rogen?
The Chinese government appears to be losing the battle against counterfeit Olympic souvenirs, including t-shirts, hats and dolls representing the five mascots of the Games. The Absurd Ironyometer tsked tsked sadly, then bought five DVD copies of Batman: The Dark Knight, 10 copies of The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2 (for its nieces) and 20 copies of The Watchmen for less than the price of a cup of coffee.
SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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