1) What is “incestuous amplification?”
a) when your sister just won’t shut up about what the two of you did in the barn after Sunday mass
b) a new term for guitar feedback (as well as an explanation for why the new term is necessary)
c) the military term for “group polarization”
2) What is “group polarization?”
a) how you get a good rate on a trip to the far North…the far, far North…just about as North as you can get, in fact, without going south
b) the best way to protect the population against infectious diseases
c) the psychological term for incestuous amplification – you beginning to see a trend, here?
3) What is “complexification?”
a) what will happen to you if you stop using the acne facial cream
b) what happens when ordinary human behaviour comes under the scrutiny of psychologists with academic papers to write
c) the process whereby small urban renewal projects actually end up contributing to urban sprawl (usually preceded by the word “apartment”)
4) What is an “insurgent?”
a) what you wash naughty dishes with
b) anybody in Iraq killed by an American (including other Americans), except where defined differently by a military tribunal
c) what used to be called an “enemy combatant”
5) What is an “enemy combatant?”
a) I’m not sure, but, whatever it is, it’s not covered by the Geneva Conventions
b) what you wash very naughty dishes with
c) the old school term for “insurgent” (no pattern is emerging? Really? None whatsoever?)
6) What is “American preponderance?”
a) the absurdity of explanations for the invasion of Ira – no, wait, that’s American preposterousness
b) a new brand of face cream
c) an insurance company that dominates the industry
7) Who or what is a “patriot?”
a) a new advertising slogan coming to a car, a breakfast cereal and a suppository near you
b) a missile that really loves its country
c) whoever blindly agrees with your political party’s policies, of course
8) What does it mean when a politician or pundit says, “If you’re doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to worry about?”
a) start to worry
b) start to panic
c) don’t bother packing your bags because you’ll never make it to the airport
9) Who or what is a “values voter?”
a) somebody who believes in legal discrimination
b) somebody who wants to ensure that they have paid for the best candidate their money can buy
c) not you
10) What is “Entronpy?”
a) how much money everybody can make from bilking little old ladies in Los Angel – no, wait, that’s the “Enron pie”
b) a new sub-atomic particle
c) the slow but inexorable universal loss of interest in scandals involving energy corporations
11) What is “blowback?”
a) how you know the girl you’re interested in really likes you
b) how a batter knows a pitcher really doesn’t like him
c) the guarantee that you’ll get your money completely refunded if you’re not totally happy with your first baggie of cocaine
12) What is an “earmark?”
a) a…birthmark on your…on your ear? Naah, that would be too simple – sorry, forget I gave that answer as one of your options…
b) a subtle brand farmers give cows whose feed contains parts from animals to make sure that they don’t accidentally eat the cows themselves
c) something your lover gives you – try to explain that to your wife!
13) What is an “asshat?”
a) the International Association of Cartoonists term for anything used to cover up the naughty bits of adult cartoons to make them more family friendly (named after the top hat that was most often used in early cartoons)
b) weren’t they that seventies band that had hits with songs like “Wild Cherry” and “I Just Want To Make Love To You”?
c) an anal condom, of course – if you didn’t know that, maybe you should take a safe sex refresher course, because, frankly, eww, I don’t want to get close to you at the next orgy!
14) What is “paparazzismo?”
a) the Mexican term for “processed cheese product”
b) a state of mind that some celebrity photographers have that makes them ill-tempered…obnoxiously aggressive…willing to do anything to further their careers no matter who gets hurt (unlike most celebrity photographers, who are calm, polite and, frankly, boring as all hell)
c) Fidel Castro’s dying wish
15) What is “asymmetric warfare?”
a) a badly executed mortar attack that only hits one side of the battlefield
b) getting into a fight with your brother knowing that mom always liked him best
c) when you’re so unhappy with the way the other side is fighting that you loudly decide to take your cluster bombs and go home
16) What is a “hungerectomy?”
a) what happens to children from developing nations when their bellies reach maximum distention (also known as: death)
b) a psychological term for the cure for an unnatural attraction to vampire movies starring David Bowie
c) a fictitious operation intended to solve a non-existent medical condition in order to sell an unnutritious snack food
17) What does “BP” stand for?
a) Browne’s Pholly
b) British Peckerheads
c) Being Phucked
18) What is “democracy?”
a) when a government is elected by the people, as, say, Hamas was in Palesti – no, wait…
b) when a government is elected by the people, as, say, Hugo Chavez was in – no, that doesn’t work, either…
c) when a government we want is elected by the people, as, say…umm…uhh, can I get back to you on the details?
19) What is the meaning of the word “degrade?”
a) to humiliate a country’s infrastructure (EXAMPLE: “The outlines of an American-Israeli consensus began to emerge Tuesday in which Israel would continue to bombard Lebanon for about another week to degrade Hezbollah’s capabilities.”)
b) to attempt to recycle, but only get it about half right
c) why you’re stuck behind the counter serving burgers (EXAMPLE: “I wanted ta graduate from high school, but I didn’t make degrade.”)
20) What, in the end, is a word?
a) four to eight letters, and a deeply felt apology
b) a word is just an empty container for meaning, much like the heads of people who believe it
c) words…words are only understand in relation to other words, which can only be understood in relation to other words, which can only be understood in relation to still more words, which is why I would rather gnaw on my own intestines than get into a discussion of post-modernism