921) According to Mike Huckabee, “There’s only one explanation for my surge in the polls, and it’s not a human one.” What kind of explanation is it, then?
a) all his monkey cousins are lining up behind him (and doesn’t that just frost your anti-Darwinian socks?)
b) don’t the “Borg for Huckabee” buttons give it away?
c) if you check out his donations list, you’ll find a major contribution from the Dreaded Dormammu 2008 PAC
922) Where are firefighters encouraged to report antisocial behaviour?
a) Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451
b) George W. Bush’s America
c) other
923) The National Review has called Mitt Romney the “full spectrum conservative.” What exactly is a full spectrum conservative?
a) I don’t know, but I’m sure you can treat it with antibiotics
b) one seen through the ideological prism of The National Review
c) if you have to ask, your probably can’t afford him
924) Who were the Gang of Four?
a) singer Jon King, guitarist Andy Gill, bass guitarist Dave Allen and drummer Hugo Burnham
b) singer Jiang Qing, guitarist Zhang Chunqiao, bass guitarist Yao Wenyuan and drummer Wang Hongwen.
c) singer George W. Bush, guitarist Dick Cheney, bass guitarist Donald Rumsfeld and drummer Condoleezza Rice
925) If you were running a torture programme in violation of the laws of your country, the international community and commonly understood standards of moral behaviour, how would you want the press to describe the torture?
a) harsh interrogation tactics
b) aggressive interrogations
c) enhanced interrogation
d) harsh interrogation
e) severe interrogation techniques
f) coercive techniques
g) severe interrogation methods
h) best all around if they didn’t
926) What is E8?
a) a refreshing drink to have when you are parched
b) the engine in your car (yeah, like you would know if it wasn’t!)
c) a geometric figure that has 248 dimensions and a structure that took 120 years to map
927) Why would the world need a geometric figure that has 248 dimensions and that took 120 years to map?
a) to keep scores of mathematicians off the streets and out of trouble
b) because figuring out the true dimensions of E8 could answer a question that has been plaguing mankind for over a century: why is Rob Schneider still getting work acting in films?
c) because one of the side benefits of any fundamental research is a new refreshing drink that you can have when you’re parched
928) What becomes of the broken hearted?
a) they paid a dime and only farted
b) they’ll talk your ears off – don’t get them started!
c) they’ll feel young again when they are carded
929) Lee Trevino, Byron Nelson and Arnold Palmer were famous for what sport?
a) celebrity chinchilla teasing
b) mock Parliamentary food fighting
c) glof
930) What is glof?
a) it’s like golf, only using chocolate chip cookie dough instead of balls
b) a cream that has reduced full spectrum conservatism in lab rats and is awaiting approval for clinical trials in Mitt Romney
c) the name of a new refreshing drink to have when you’re parched that was developed by mathematicians researching a geometric figure that has 248 dimensions and that took 120 years to map
931) Why has the International Olympic Committee refused to allow women’s ski jumping to be an official event at the 2010 games in Vancouver?
a) because we all know how delicate girls are
b) the IOC, knowing how controversial the Beijing games were going to be, didn’t want Vancouver to feel left out
c) adding events involving snow would be like taking a position on global warming, and even the IOC doesn’t want any part of that debate
932) I am alone, but I am not lonely. I am not lost, but if you look for me I cannot be found. I like to be home for Olbermann. Who am I?
a) a Tickle Me Guglielmo Doll
b) the wind (closer to the one that cries Mary than the one that can be found in the willows)
c) the unknown solderer
933) What is a drive by smear?
a) shmushing somebody’s makeup from the back seat of your moving limo
b) a form of Xtreme Graffiti
c) see the next question for an example
934) What is the most bizarre allegation about Tom Cruise in Andrew Morton’s Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography?
a) he enjoys wearing a fez on every part of his anatomy and having the inner circle of Scientology leaders sing “Hail, Hail, The Gang’s All Here” while Katie Holmes breastfeeds their baby, Suri
b) he demanded to be more involved in the orgy scene of the film Eyes Wide Shut, claiming that his greatest talent had never been shown on screen, but the insurers of the film wouldn’t let him
c) he’s actually human, and kind of decent
935) What was the best night ever?
a) July 23, 1512
b) February 3, 27 BC
c) March 11, 1876
d) it’s impossible to tell for sure, but it was likely long before you were alive, so you probably shouldn’t have such high expectations of losing your virginity
936) According to the Canadian Bankers Association, “in 1985, the average assets of Canada’s five largest banks equaled about 38 per cent of the average assets of the top 10 global banks. Today, that ratio has fallen to about 19.5 per cent.” What does this mean?
a) somebody’s only getting a $5.6 million bonus this year
b) you shouldn’t have had that thirty-second Bud even if it was Lite
c) once again, Canada’s banks are trying to convince the government to let them merge – spring seems to come earlier every year, doesn’t it?
937) Match the Presidential hopeful to the list of their supporters.
a) Rudy Giuliani
b) Hillary Clinton
c) Mike Huckabee
d) Barack Obama
i) Chuck Norris, actor; Ric Flair, former wrestling star; Ted Nugent, musician and gun enthusiast
ii) Charles Barkley, former NBA star; Common, musician; Gene Wilder, actor
iii) Newt Gingrich, former Republican hack; Karl Rove, insider Republican hack; Jerry Springer, television host
iv) Mary Bono, California congresswoman and former wife of Sonny Bono; Ben Stein, comedian loose with his money; Adam Sandler, purported comedian
938) Who or what is “shmashmortion?”
a) a euphemism for the politically charged word “mishmashmisortion”
b) how Marlon Brando used to pronounce the word “chair”
c) what nuclear physicists call a cyclotron when they’ve had one too many shmartinis
939) What is “the so-called new mysterian position?”
b) Spiderman having sex with a supervillain who can control people’s minds
a) the philosophical argument that some things are unknowable (like why Spiderman would want to have sex with a supervillain who can control people’s minds)
c) I don’t know, but I’m getting bored with callbacks to E8, so it definitely has nothing to do with a geometric figure that has 248 dimensions and a structure that took 120 years to map
940) Much has been made of the destruction of hundreds of hours of tapes of CIA interrogations of suspected terrorists. But, hey! – wait a second! Why were the tapes made in the first place?
a) Agent [REDACTED] had a camera and Agent [REDACTED] had a barn, and one of them said, “Hey, why don’t we put on a show?” but, unfortunately, torture was all they knew how to do
b) because Eli Roth was getting too comfortable as the leading producer of torture porn
c) they needed some form of entertainment to keep them going during the writer’s strike