521) According to New York Times columnist David Brooks, American Ambassador to Iraq, Zalmay Khalilzad, has “pull[ed] off a miracle” in Baghdad in recent months. What exactly did Khalilzad do that made Brooks wet his pants so?
a) he French kissed Abu Musab al-Zarqawi before he died
b) he French kissed Abu Musab al-Zarqawi after he died
c) survived (Brooks is more easily impressed than he thinks)
522) Who or what is “Divine Strake?”
a) the proposed title for Margaret Atwood’s next book
b) it’s not a misspelling of “Divine Strike,” and anybody who think it is is aiding the terrorists
c) the latest in a series of attempts by the American government to show that when you pack enough explosives, things blow up real good
523) In recent meetings, American President George W. Bush nicknamed Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper “Steve.” What nickname could the President have given him that would have been worse?
a) Hedgehog Legs
b) Khaki Boy
c) Our Little Sellout
524) How can you tell President Bush and Prime Minister Harper apart?
a) Bush wears his cowboy hat tilted to the right, while Harper prefers to wear his straight on
b) Bush talks funny; Harper hardly talks at all
c) The National Post doesn’t feel the need to run op-ed pieces about how much President Bush is his own man
525) In a recent Washington Post-ABC poll, 68% of Americans said that the US war against Iraq has “helped to improve the lives of the Iraqi people.” How do 68% of Americans figure that?
a) without electricity, the Iraqi people will be spared the ordeal of watching Deal or No Deal
b) no water is better than water contaminated with lord knows what
c) they figure that because they get their news from the Washington Post and ABC
526) What does the fact that Ralph Reed was defeated in Georgia’s Republican primary for lieutenant governor mean?
a) six more weeks of nuclear winter
b) showing a little charity towards Native Americans is no longer considered a Christian thing to do
c) he was Abramoved (and we all know how painful that can be)
527) According to Condoleezza Rice, the Israeli bombing of Lebanon constitutes “the birth pangs of a new Middle East.” How can she say such a thing?
a) there’s blood and shit everywhere, and the screaming never seems to end – next time, the Lebanese should go for a democratic C Section
b) breathing the rarified air of Washington for the past six years has caused her permanent brain damage
c) living in the intellectual vacuum surrounding President Bush has caused her permanent brain damage
528) Fill in the blanks: If we ___ and ___, the ___ will have won!
a) cut, paste, editors
b) shoot, run, Roughriders
c) masticate, ariatize, accountants
529) The Conservative government plans to cancel federal funding for international academic scholarships. Why would it do this?
a) hey! Those $32 billion committed to buying equipment for the armed forces have to come from somewhere!
b) educated people tend to vote Liberal
c) Canada…Canada has nothing to learn from the rest of the world…
d) all of the above
e) other
530) Hundreds of thousands, perhaps as many as a million ballots were not counted in the Mexican election. What good are uncounted ballots?
a) they make great home insulation, especially since they aren’t quite as toxic as asbestos
b) if the peso continues to decline, they can be used as currency
c) Mexico has so much democracy, it can afford to save some for a rainy day
531) A letter writer to the Globe and Mail saw the fact that “only 600” civilians have died in Israeli bombing raids in Gaza and Lebanon as proof that Israel’s air war is pinpointing military targets with “strategic strikes.” Only 600. How many civilians must die before supporters of Israel admit that its use of force is reckless and indiscriminate?
a) 1,000
b) 10,000
c) 100,000
d) all of them
532) What does the following image represent?
a) a typical Prince Edward Island electoral district
b) your lower intestine – if there was an alien in it trying to get out
c) a typical American electoral district after Bill Frist has had his way with it
533) At the end of June, the Wall Street Journal published an editorial attacking the New York Times for releasing a story about a secret government program to track terrorist finances, even though the Journal had run the story on its front page the same day. Why?
a) Wall Street Journal editorial writers don’t read their own newspaper
b) Wall Street Journal editorial writers don’t believe anything they read in their own newspaper
c) the New York Times is everybody in Washington’s favourite pinata
534) What phrase mostly appropriately follows “Let’s remember who is to blame here…”?
a) …and, it ain’t me. You started it! Nyah, nyah, what’re you gonna do?”
b) …given my very restricted perspective on the situation.”
c) …so we can bomb the shit out of them!”
535) Before speaking to the American Congress, Iraqi “Prime Minister” Nouri al-Maliki made a speech attacking “Israeli aggression” in Lebanon. Awkward. How should American Congressmen respond?
a) by shaving their heads and declaring themselves a cult that nobody leaves…alive
b) jumping up and down, banging on their desks, throwing feces and making loud “ooh ooh” and “ah ah” noises
c) they need to drink more to forget faster
536) Iraq’s top elected Sunni politician, Parliament Speaker Mahmoud al-Mashadani, recently denounced the “US occupation” of his country as “butcher’s work under the slogan of democracy and human rights and justice.” Very awkward. Awkward to a ridiculously large power. So monumentally awkward that it’s difficult to formulate a question around it. What question does it evoke in your mind?
a) “When is dinner?”
b) “So, Memento ends with the main character choosing to forget he’s already found his wife’s killer, or am I missing something?”
c) “How does 10 billion years of evolution explain Ronald MacDonald?”
537) What is the importance of the Supreme Court’s decision in the case of Hamdan v. Rumsfeld?
a) the Easter Bunny can no longer claim that it is above international law
b) Donald Rumsfeld is no longer allowed to be smarmy and self-important in press conferences
c) there aren’t enough Conservatives on the Supreme Court
538) What is ethical eating?
a) dining on your favourite hamburger in the full knowledge that the cow it (partially) came from lived its life in a pen not larger than the animal itself, was fed grain that may have contained bits of other cows, stood in its own feces, making it necessary to pump it full of antibiotics, which led to a painful swelling of its udders and…and…oh, lord, I think I’m going to be sick!
b) having a late night snack while rereading Being and Nothingness
c) apparently, an oxymoron
539) After Israel invaded Lebanon to destroy the PLO, Hezbollah arose to take its place. Once Hezbollah has been destroyed by Israel’s current invasion of Lebanon, what should the liberation/terrorist organization that comes after it be called?
a) eternal recurrence
b) doomed to repeat
c) Eric
540) Why Eric?
a) I’ve used Fred too often
b) Elric was copyright by Michael Moorcock, and you don’t want to mess with somebody so handy with a sword
c) what have you got against Eric?