“He’s Michaelangelo ‘Dick’ Tremonte…”
“And, he’s Evan ‘Dick’ Lamanchuk…”
“And, you’re listening to 95 point two two C-D-I-K FM – Big Dick Radio. Now, as regular listeners of this station will know, we have a new contest…”
“It’s kind of hard to miss, Dick, considering we’ve been running promos of it every three minutes for the last week and a half.”
“Has it been almost two weeks already? My, time flies when you’re humiliating your intern, doesn’t it?”
“Well, actually –”
“It’s the ‘Find Intern Darren A One Night Stand Contest,’ of course. Where are we in the contest, Dick?”
“Well, Dick, nominations for Darren’s one night stand are now closed. We have 1,347 entries. Interestingly, 237 of them are men.”
“Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
“No. Absolutely not.”
“Here on the morning show, we have other ways of humiliating homosexuals.”
“Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
“Not for us. So, what happens now?”
“Now, listeners go to our Web site, where they’ll find tame head shots of all of the contestants’ elbows. If they want to see racy, hold nothing back shots of the contestant’s elbows, they can be found on our Facebook page.”
“God bless the Internet.”
“Indeed. Then, listeners can vote on which contestants they would like to see have a one night stand with Darren, our highly put upon but much beloved intern.”
“And, how many listener choices will move on to the next round, Dick?”
“None, Dick. After we’ve tabulated the votes, station management will choose the eight contestants we want to go on to the next round.”
“God bless democracy in action.”
“It’s a wonder to behold, isn’t it?”
“Uhh, yeah, guys, I really think –”
“In the studio with us now is one of the contestants, Adelbertina.”
“Hi, guys. Giggle.”
“Actually, you’re supposed to giggle, not say the word ‘giggle.’”
“Oh. Right. Hee hee hee hee hee. Sorry. Being on the radio makes me nervous.”
“We’ve got janitors to deal with that.”
“Okay. Now, Adelbertina, are you excited about possibly winning the $5,000 prize for –”
“Five thousand dollars? I thought it was $10,000!”
“Now, now. We’ve already established what you are. Now, we’re just haggling over the prize money.”
“Oh. Right. Hee hee hee.”
“I’ve got to say, Adelbertina, that it was pretty amusing watching you walk into the studio. Darren immediately made a beeline for your elbows.”
“I did not!”
“Because you’re more of a…knee person?”
“I am not fetishistically interested in any woman’s joints!”
“Did we rule out the male contestants too soon?”
“That’s not the –”
“Well, I think Darren is cute.”
“You do?”
“You’re still in the studio?”
“He reminds me of my ex-boyfriend. He’s dead, now.”
“Okay, I’m really uncomfortable with where this is going.”
“Good thing you’re just an intern, then.”
“Yeah. Public humiliation is in your contract.”
“The stupid thing is: I don’t even need a one night stand. I have them all the time!”
“…”
“…”
“You…what?
“I’ve been cruising bars every night since I got to this city three years ago. I’m well known in the fetish community for wearing diapers…on my head!”
“Well, but, that doesn’t mean that, umm, you don’t need a one night stand…”
“After the stress of a hard but honest day’s work, lots of men like to unwind with a dry martini, the company of good friends and a diaper on their heads.”
“Warren Buffett is a perfect example.”
“John McCain.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“Absolutely.”
“Tom Cruise.”
“Isn’t that against his Scientology beliefs?”
“Apparently not.”
“Bono, Tony Blair, Pope Benedict XVI – you see what we’re saying? Just because you like wearing diapers on your head doesn’t mean –”
“But, it does! It does! Every night I take a different woman home and have mad, passionate tiny sex with her! Don’t you get it? I’m perfectly capable of finding women on my own – I don’t need another one night stand!”
“No?”
“NO!”
“Oh. Well. That changes everything.”
“I should think so!”
“We’ll have to rename it the ‘Find Intern Darren Another One Night Stand Contest.”
“What?”
“Are you skanky enough for the master of one night stands?”
“But –”
“This new angle could add another couple of weeks to the contest!”
“Sigh…”