601) What will happen when the United States withdraws its troops from Iraq?
a) the Earth will spin off its axis, hopelessly plunging us into the Sun
b) Freddie Etlingsdottir will finally get laid
c) American soldiers will stop dying in Iraq
602) Leading Democrat Nancy Pelosi stated before the mid-term elections that the party would not begin impeachment proceedings against President Bush if it won control of the House of Representatives or Senate. What in the world would possess her to say that?
a) somebody spiked her Cool Aid with LSD, and she was having a bad power trip
b) apparently, the Democrats would rather torture the President than kill him outright
c) the ghost of Andy Hardy
603) Who or what is the Wolesi Jirga?
a) the black sheep of the family of the man who brought democracy to Poland
b) a dance craze sweeping the nation that looks suspiciously like people trying to walk through a field strewn with land mines
c) a collection of miscreants that includes 17 known drug traffickers, 40 commanders of armed militias, 24 members of criminal gangs, and 19 men facing serious allegations of war crimes and human rights violations, any or all of whom may be affiliated with the poppy business – in other words, your typical democratic deliberative body
604) Afghan farmers officially proposed to British anti-narcotics officials that they be licensed to grow poppy and produce opium for state-owned refineries to be built with foreign aid donations. The refineries would produce medicinal morphine and codeine for worldwide legal sale, thereby filling a global need for inexpensive, natural pain killers. Why hasn’t this happened?
a) because if you have a steady supply of quality morphine, who is going to want to grease the wheels of commerce with an honest day’s labour?
b) the powerful Colombian drug lord lobby is vocally opposed to the measure, and it has been throwing its weight around in Washington
c) “I love the smell of burning poppy fields in the morning. It smells like…insanity.”
605) What is the most convincing argument against the recent article in the medical journal The Lancet that claimed that 655,000 Iraqis had died as a result of the war?
a) “600,000, or whatever they guessed at, is just – it’s not credible…not credible…not credible…not –” “For god’s sake, will somebody hit the President on the side of the head? He’s skipping again!”
b) somebody needs to boil that Lancet
c) that’s not possible because that’s more than the number of people who died while Saddam Hussein was in power, and, if it were true, it would make us – oh, shit!
606) What is a clusterfuck?
a) a perfect storm of a sexual metaphor for bad things happening
b) an indication that the star key on your computer keyboard is not working the way it was designed (although it will be perfectly understandable if you don’t report the problem for a few…years…)
c) what happens when a few stars from the same general area get drunk on background radiation and decide to have group sex with a dwarf
607) What is a “radical homosexual Agenda?”
a) forcing cable companies to put The Will and Grace Network on their first tier
b) forcing every citizen to make sure their drapes don’t clash with their sofas
c) forcing governments to ensure that homosexuals have the same rights as any other citizen in the country…bastards!
608) What drug could drunken frat boy and multiply failed businessman George W. Bush possibly have taken to make him think it would be a good idea for him to become President of the United States?
a) crack
b) cronk
c) crunk
d) clork
e) schnork
f) macaca
g) power
609) Many private corporations doing work for the American military in Iraq have “cost plus” contracts. Plus what?
a) all the Doors music they can listen to
b) sacks full of cash that the Pentagon just happened to find lying around one day
c) body bags
610) Who said, “Hypocrisy is better than no standards at all?”
a) Plato
b) Abraximander
c) Thoreau
d) gambling addicted Hypocrisy Czar William Bennett
611) Henry Kissinger advised the Bush administration that it could not win the war in Iraq, but that American troops couldn’t pull out of the country. This is like…
a) your boyfriend refusing to wear a condom and telling you he’ll leave you if you ever get pregnant.
b) saying that of course you intend to drink until you fall over, but nobody better dare take your car keys away from you because it’s your god given right to enjoy the freedom of automotive travel
c) Alice talking to Humpty Dumpty (but with a higher body count)
612) What is a burkini?
a) part of the name of the small African country of Burkini Faso
b) an alcoholic beverage served in a glass over which is a tiny burka so Muslim men aren’t tempted to drink it
c) the Burkini Atoll is a picturesque group of islands over which atomic bombs were exploded to keep women from wearing skimpy bathing suits while swimming
613) What sound do you most not want to hear while a dentist is working on you?
a) Nreeeeeee nreeeeeee nreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet nreeeeeee
b) CRACK!
c) Nreeeeeee nreeeeeee nreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet nreeeeeee CRACK!
d) Oops.
e) What dental plan did you say you were on?
614) What is biopiracy?
a) green ships running under black flags (because raping and pillaging on the high seas is so much better when you’re ship is outfitted with a hybrid engine)
b) the mod for Spore that Will Wright would rather you didn’t know about
c) the politically correct term for slavery
615) Dr. Eric Keroack, rhe new head of the American Office of Population Affairs, not only opposes abortions but also birth control, which he argues is “demeaning to women.” Contraception is demeaning to women as…
a) stop lights are demeaning to drivers.
b) scissors are demeaning to Rabbis.
c) sea slugs are demeaning to bass guitarists.
616) According to Tony Perkins (no, not the dead Psycho actor, the live psycho religious right leader), what are the core Christian beliefs?
a) abstinence, marriage, life, good judges and cloning
b) shopping, shaving, showering, shading and shelving
c) obeisance to the church hierarchy and…and…well, what else does one need to believe, really?
617) American Ambassador to the United Nations John Bolton has resigned his appointed position out of respect for the fact that there wasn’t a hope in Hell that the democratic Congress would confirm him. Whatever will he do now?
a) become the American Ambassador to Iraq, because when Bolton says “We could lose one third of the country and nobody would even notice,” you know he’s really talking about partition
b) go on to fame and fortune hosting a late night infomercial selling his own brand of moustache waxers
c) take a job as a salesman in a China shop, because, despite everything you’ve heard of him, John Bolton has a wicked sense of humour
618) What does a 60% approval rating in Quebec get you?
a) no poutine for a month (but your gut thanks you)
b) pulled over for speed reading 90 English words a minute in a 40 French words per minute zone
c) press clippings that stress how much you’re hated in the province (and, gee, wouldn’t you love to be so hated by your latest lover?)
619) What are you least likely to think when you have a stranger’s hands in your mouth?
a) “Is the – oww – Quebec as a nation – ouch – resolution in Parliament going to lead to another – owww! – round of Constitutional talks? Because, frankly, that would just be too – OWWWW! – painful for the country!”
b) “Could they play any more Billy Joel on this soft rock station?”
c) “Hmm…I wonder if I could get him to do this at home…”
620) What are you most likely to think when you have a stranger’s hands in your mouth?
a) “Raspberry is just not John’s colour…”
b) “Perfunctory?”
c) “Hmm…I wonder if I could get her to do this in a dentist’s office…”