721) Was James Bond a metrosexual?
a) absolutely! Along with his well known licence to kill, he also had a licence to be fabulous!
b) no…well, maybe the George Lazenby Bond, but he doesn’t count for so many reasons…
c) how can you even ask such a question? Ian Fleming must be turning in his grave fast enough to power a dozen electric Aston Martins for the next century!
722) The Quebec election has been called “crucial.” What election isn’t, in some sense, crucial?
a) high school yearbook editor
b) prom queen
c) best classic rock song
723) Two years ago, right wing raver Jonah Goldberg wrote: “Let’s make a bet. I predict that Iraq won’t have a civil war, that it will have a viable constitution, and that a majority of Iraqis and Americans will, in two years time, agree that the war was worth it. I’ll bet $1,000 (which I can hardly spare right now).” When will it be time for him to pay up?
a) a week Tuesday
b) oh, he should have paid up a long time ago. The real question is: who is going to get the money? He would probably give it to a think tank that advocated using baby seals to find mines in Iraq
c) when Satan becomes a Slurpee salesman
724) And, the question on everybody’s mind: why is Halliburton taking its multi-billion dollar military contracts and moving its head office to Dubai?
a) for the snowboarding
b) they don’t want to be there when the gentle American citizens storm their head offices with pitchforks and torches (oh, you think Frankenstein’s monster wouldn’t have fled to Dubai if he had been given the opportunity?)
c) they wanted to be the first people to say “Dubai bye” (go ahead – try saying it yourself – catchy, isn’t it?)
725) Match the illegal munitions with the body part they are most likely to negatively affect:
a) cluster bombs
b) white phosphorous
c) depleted uranium
i) skin
ii) arms and legs
iii) chest and lungs
726) British regulators decided to delay the creation of human-cow hybrids for approximately one year because of concerns that mixing the two species could be controversial. Why will it be less controversial in a year?
a) by that time the earth will have plunged into the sun, making the whole issue – hell, making all other issues – moot
b) by that time Raelians will claim that they have created a human-cow hybrid that won the Boston marathon and gives 24 gallons of milk a day
c) by that time we will all have been given brain implants that will make us able to understand molecular biology (although there will still be no explanation for the existence of Chris Kattan)
727) Rising star Rachel Marsden has been accused of stalking men, including slipping suggestive photographs of herself under one man’s door and using a voice-altering machine to leave threatening phone messages, and she has pleaded guilty to criminal harassment. Why would she do this?
a) she believed that if she didn’t act on her aggressive fantasies, she would do something really crazy
b) she knows that if she wants to become the preeminent female right wing pundit, she has to outcrazy Ann Coulter, and that’s a really, really tough thing to do
c) she knew those men really, really, really loved her, and she was just trying to help them realize it
728) Who said “Sometimes a show of strength by one side can really clarify things,” and in what context?
a) Bush, siding with Israel against Lebanon
b) Mookie, siding with Edgardo against Lisi
c) Ernie, siding with Cookie Monster against Bert
729) Newt Gingrich, speaking via satellite to the annual Herzliya Conference held by the Institute for Policy and Strategy, stated: “If two or three cities are destroyed because of terrorism both the United States’ and Israel’s democracy will be eroded and both will become greater dictatorial societies… Three nuclear weapons constitute a second Holocaust.” Is he allowed to say that?
a) absolutely not! Only Jews are allowed to exploit the Holocaust for shallow partisan purpose. Gingrich should have been ashamed of himself!
b) absolutely! Gingrich was just exercising his freedom of speech (or, at least, the freedom of speech he is allowed as long he isn’t identified as a terrorist in a future without the First Amendment that he has also talked about)
c) is there anybody who still cares what Newt Gingrich says? Really?
730) What is the significance of the equation 4 + 2 + 4?
a) it reads the same backwards as forwards
b) it’s the basis of a functioning nuclear reactor
c) it was Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice’s plan for a negotiated peace in the Middle East. Oh, did you blink and miss it? Not to worry: blink and you’ll miss Rice’s historical importance, too…
731) Did Keith Richards really snort a little bit of the ashes of his cremated father? Really?
a) he must have: he destroyed the cells in his brain that control imagination decades ago
b) he couldn’t have: he has been wearing a very effective prosthesis (did you notice it?) since he destroyed his nose decades ago
c) well, you know, ah ha ha ha ah, yeah, right, ah mean, well, waddya – I don’t know, ah ha ha ha ah, yeah, right. Man.
732) What is the significance of “subprime?”
a) less than wonderful cuts of beef
b) the optimal lifespan of devices that allow people to travel underwater
c) the end of the housing bubble (but, at least you’ll still be able to afford less than wonderful cuts of beef)
733) The Washington Post has announced that it will be closing its Canadian bureau, the last major American newspaper to do so. What news will Americans be missing?
a) heartwarming stories about the world’s cutest moose
b) heartbreaking stories about Quebec independence
c) Canada’s reverse takeover of their economy
734) What is the difference between a non-binding resolution and a lukewarm cup of tea?
a) it may not go down smoothly, but at least a lukewarm cup of tea will quench your thirst
b) drinking a lukewarm cup of tea doesn’t require a majority in Congress and isn’t subject to a Presidential veto
c) the press doesn’t obsess for weeks on end about the importance of a lukewarm cup of tea, even if it is a really damn amazing lukewarm cup of tea
735) What does the CIA mean when it states something with “high confidence?”
a) it has the confidence of somebody who is high
b) it dropped the report from a great height and it didn’t disintegrate, so there must be some truth to it
c) it is using a very sophisticated confidence trick
736) Which of the following was not a headline in the April 7, 2007 Report on Business?
a) Seafaring couple set their sights on dry land
b) Successful contrarian turns sights on oil field services
c) Unsuccessful entrepreneur kills 12, sets his sights on himself
737) Italy paid an $11 million ransom to free three of its hostages in Iraq. Why hasn’t the United States put it on their terrorist watch list?
a) as many as 90,000 rifles and 80,000 pistols the coalition gave Iraq’s security forces cannot be accounted for; many of them undoubtedly ended up in the hands of insurgents. Why has the United States not put itself on its terrorist watch list?
b) Italy still has 12 soldiers in the coalition of the increasingly unwilling
c) the US is too fond of pepperoni pizza
738) Which of the following statements was not made by President Bush within the last year?
a) “You know, when I campaigned in 2000, I said I wanted to be a war President. Nobody wants to be a war President, but I am one.”
b) “Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is. I talk to families who die.”
c) “Since this country was founded, each generation of Americans has been summoned to give testimony to its national loyalty. The graves of young Americans who answered the call to service surround the globe. Now the trumpet summons us again – not as a call to bear arms, though arms we need – not as a call to battle, though embattled we are – but a call to bear the burden of a long twilight struggle, year in and year out, “rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation,” a struggle against the common enemies of man: tyranny, poverty, disease, and war itself. Can we forge against these enemies a grand and global alliance, North and South, East and West, that can assure a more fruitful life for all mankind? Will you join in that historic effort? In the long history of the world, only a few generations have been granted the role of defending freedom in its hour of maximum danger. I do not shrink from this responsibility – I welcome it. I do not believe that any of us would exchange places with any other people or any other generation. The energy, the faith, the devotion which we bring to this endeavor will light our country and all who serve it. And the glow from that fire can truly light the world. And so, my fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country. My fellow citizens of the world, ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man.”
d) “I think – tide turning – see, as I remember – I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of – it’s easy to see a tide turn.”
739) Inspector General Eva Plunkett has expressed concern that CSIS is unable to find documents. Plunkett cited instances where she requested documents in regard to overseeing the spy agency’s activities that CSIS was unable to provide for her. How convenient is that?
a) finding the bag full of money lying there on the sidewalk after the bank robbery convenient
b) your boss getting hit by a truck the day your budget figures are due convenient
c) your mistress getting hit by a truck the day before she was going to confront your wife convenient
740) “‘Wikinomics’ unleashes intellectual power of the masses,” reads a headline in my newspaper. Which intellectual power is that?
a) the power to bend steel with their bare hands
b) the power to diffuse responsibility so that no one can be blamed for claiming things like Ghengis Khan was an aluminum siding salesman in the 1970s
c) the power to see through women’s clothing (a power which has not been around since the 1950s!)