701) Who said: “I would like to be at the – have been given a chance for us to explain that we have no desire to harm the Iranian people?”
a) Saddam Hussein just before the Iran-Iraq war
b) Ronald Reagan, a supporter of Saddam Hussein in the Iran-Iraq war
c) Donald Duck
702) You thought I was leading up to the answer George W. Bush, didn’t you?
a) I’ve read enough What the Heck Do You Knows to know that you wouldn’t necessarily offer that answer just because it’s right
b) I’ve read enough What the Heck Do You Knows to know that you’ll take an easy shot at the American Commander In Chief – you know, just because he doesn’t conversate so well doesn’t mean he isn’t a good…you know, Deciderer
c) oh, I’d follow you anywhere!
703) According to Leonardo DiCaprio, the Oscars have “gone green.” What did he mean when he said that?
a) they were green with envy that World Cup soccer gets a bigger audience
b) host Ellen Degeneres’ jokes had been recycled from previous Oscar telecasts
c) the backstage hors d’oeuvres were tainted with salmonella
704) According to the C. D. Howe Institute, tax cuts (rather than, say, better funded programmes) are necessary to support an aging population. What problem does the C. D. Howe Institute think tax cuts won’t cure?
a) teenage acne
b) middle aged spread
c) old age pensions
d) none of the above
705) Three Afghans who alleged they were abused by Canadian soldiers haven’t been seen since they were handed over to the Afghan National Police. Where, oh, where could they be?
a) hiding in the attic (it may sound crazy, but it’s not like you thought to look for them up there)
b) living productive lives sewing the linings into sneakers in a sweatshop in Xangshu, China for mere pennies a day
c) to the big police state in the sky
706) British forces that stormed the offices of an Iraqi intelligence agency in Basra discovered 30 prisoners, some showing signs of torture. How come we cannot find our tortured prisoners, but the British can find tortured prisoners when they aren’t even looking for them?
a) beginner’s luck
b) their karma is better than ours because they gave up their empire, and we never really established one
c) you know, it’s the same thing with my car keys – as long as I’m looking for them, I can never find them, but as soon as I stop…
707) Now that Lewis “Scooter” Libby has been found guilty of obstruction of justice in the Valerie Plame case, what will be his new Presidential nickname?
a) He Who Must Not Be Named
b) Scapegoat Boy
c) Mr. Pariahhead
708) What does AD mean?
a) Year of our Dominoes
b) Attention Defic
c)
709) Ann Coulter claimed that calling Democratic Presidential hopeful John Edwards a “faggot” wasn’t homophobic, but just a “schoolyard taunt.” What other non-sequiturs would have worked just as well?
a) the remark wasn’t homophobic, it was a chest of drawers
b) the remark wasn’t homophobic, it was telegenic
c) the remark wasn’t homophobic because god said that faggots are going to burn in hell, and you better be careful what you say about the Big Guy
710) What is “the chameleon effect?”
a) a lesser known part of chaos theory (you know: when a chameleon in China changes colour, a school girl in Ohio blushes)
b) a cheap excuse to get shit-faced
c) Ashton Kutcher’s next film
711) The United States has lost 363 tons of shrink-wrapped bricks of American dollars, worth about $5.5 million. The bricks had been stacked on wooden pallets and transported by cargo plane to Iraq, where it was supposed to help with reconstruction. What happened to the money?
a) it was used by ordinary Iraqis to insulate their homes
b) it got lost in the Baghdad Triangle (but it’s not a total loss, as Michael Chrichton is planning on writing a book about it, to be directed by Steven Spielberg)
c) two words: The claw! THE CLAW!
712) What is the least offensive rationale for the black mould in the walls of the Walter Reed Army Medical Centre?
a) it is an experiment to see if penicillin can be grown inside hospitals, and wouldn’t that be a great advance in medical science?
b) it’s more expensive than purple mold, and nothing is too good for the men and women who have given so much for their country
c) we’re too busy losing tons of money in Iraq to pay for proper medical care for the men and women who have given so much for their country – jeez, aren’t you paying attention?
713) Critics of the war in Iraq have been warned that if it ends soon, it could mean that those who died in it did so in vain. Why aren’t the architects of the war ever accused of sending the Americans off to die in vain in the first place?
a) hmm…I never thought of it that way. Good question…
b) I’ve wondered that same thing myself
c) good one. Now, I have one for you: what is the sound of one hand clapping…when it’s been blown off at the wrist by an IED?
714) Among the conditions under which they will allow Karl Rove to testify, what is the best indication that the White House isn’t taking the Congressional investigations into the firing of eight state Attorneys seriously?
a) that the only Senators to attend the session be deaf, dumb and blind
b) that the only notes taken be with invisible ink on highly flammable paper
c) that Rove be sworn in on a stack of PNAC reports
715) Where can you get a cheap fifth of rotgut at four in the morning in this godforsaken burg?
a) hey, I’m just a nappie headed boy
b) when in doubt, picnic
c) yours is not to wonder why, yours is just to drink hard rye
716) What is the difference between a guest worker and a slave?
a) slaves are sometimes allowed in the master’s house
b) slaves had to be transported across the ocean, while guest workers live right next door – how convenient is that?
c) the law to abolish slavery has already been passed, while the law to legalize guest workers is currently being debated
717) Why are we in Afghanistan?
a) it’s part of the war on terror
b) we’re fighting drug traffickers
c) we’re fighting the Taliban so that a theocracy that enslaves women won’t be established there
d) the Americans asked us to, and they were being very nice about it, so of course we agreed
e) it depends – what time is it?
718) Who (or what) is (or are) “loyal Bushies?”
a) shy people who, when confronted with a social situation, consistently run away and hide in the shrubbery
b) the latest porn craze to sweep the Internet (and, if it isn’t, it soon will be…)
c) people who, to prove their patriotism, had their frontal lobes removed, and now smile pleasantly and do their best not to drool while appearing on Fox News
719) Myocardial infarction. Myo-cardial infarction.
a) “What is the latest Toyota model, Alex?”
b) “Alex, why do you keep reminding me that the category is Words That Begin With the Letter Fred? I know what the [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing category is! Why, oh, why?”
c) “What I’m going to get if I don’t answer Final Jeopardy correctly, Alex?”
720) What could the United States have purchased with the $400 billion it has spent on the Iraq war?
a) gold plated levees for New Orleans
b) health care for every citizen not currently covered for the next 137 years
c) Lebanon