641) President Bush has put his signature on over 1,000 signing statements, addenda to new laws making him exempt from them. By way of contrast, all of the Presidents before him combined had signed only 568. How to explain this discrepancy?
a) he really, really, really, really, really, really, really, likes signing his name (and, that’s seven reallys, so you know he must truly love it)
b) none of the previous Presidents were as much of a decider as Bush is
c) he read somewhere that the President who leaves office with the most signing statements wins (and, now aren’t you sorry you wished he read more?)
642) Yeah, yeah. We all know that the President has admitted that he prefers not to read. If this is true, what is the wickedest signing statement that Karl Rove (that scamp!) has gotten him to put his signature on?
a) “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” repeated over and over again for 500 manuscript pages
b) an amendment to a bill that would rename Pearl Habour “Super Crazy Funkytown”
c) an order for the CIA to take out a contract on the life of Rui Gonsalez (who recently moved into Rove’s neighbourhood, and you know how those people bring down the property values even if they are legal…)
643) “I am definitely not going to do that. Nope Never. I’m not like all those other people who do that sort of thing. I’m better than that! Although, it really is tiny. I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I mean, I wouldn’t be hurting anybody by taking just one. Just one of those tiny little things? Look. Here. Done. See? Nobody was hurt. The universe goes on as it always has. So. Now that we’ve established that taking one isn’t really a big deal, I’m going to take another one. It’s a little bigger, but it’s still not all that big. I mean, you know what they say: ‘You can never have just one,’ right? Mmm…and another…and another and…should I keep going? Well, since I’ve come this far…” Who is speaking and what are they speaking about?
a) an overweight person talking about doughnuts
b) a heroin addict talking about a fix
c) a politician talking about under the table campaign contributions
d) me talking about making fun a politicians who take under the table campaign contributions
644) Surging is to escalating as…
a) downsizing is to layoff
b) ebony is to black
c) dumb is to stupid is to mindless is to inane is to…
645) Some of the people attending the lynching (pardon me: legal lynching) of Saddam Hussein shouted “Moqtada! Moqtada! Moqtada!” What’s that all about?
a) they had “Tora! Tora! Tora!” envy (and we all know how well that worked for the Japanese)
b) they were boasting about the cocktail they were going to drink after the hanging
c) Moqtada is the Arabic word for “cactus breath” (beyond that, you really don’t want to ask…)
646) The phrase “bleeding edge” has pretty much run its course. What will be the next phrase that denotes the most recent trend?
a) hemorrhaging edge
b) cauterizing edge
c) amputating edge
d) booboo that mommy needs to kiss to make better edge
647) What is Blackwater?
a) a nice group of fellows who look really good in their black uniforms (can you get your boot off my throat now? Please…cough cough…pretty please…?)
b) the Bush administration’s response to Whitewater
c) a good Christian mercenary organization that believes in turning the other cheek…of their enemies so that they can smite it, as well
648) Now that American troops are being pulled out of the country, what’s the difference between Canadian forces in Afghanistan and ducks in a shooting gallery?
a) ducks in a shooting gallery have more mobility
b) ducks in a shooting gallery don’t have a Tim Horton’s
c) ducks in a shooting gallery don’t have the shoulders of members of other NATO troops to cry on
649) Neocenicons who backed the Bush administration’s war in Iraq right up to last November’s elections are now saying that the idea was sound, but the execution was faulty. Not bad. But, if they’re serious about distancing themselves from the disaster that is Iraq, what should they really do?
a) give Cindy Sheehan a great big hug
b) give Cindy Sheehan a French kiss and pinch her ass
c) oh, get a room with Cindy Sheehan and be done with it, already!
650) Multiculturalism is as responsible for racism as…
a) water is responsible for fire.
b) television is responsible for Herpes.
c) Bob Hope was responsible for World War II.
651) What is a dishdasha?
a) a mad run to get a dinner plate
b) a satellite dish guaranteed to receive al Jazeera faster
c) I refuse to answer on the grounds that this question is more proof, as if more proof was necessary, that you really should understand a country’s culture before you reduce it to rubble in the name of liberating it
652) According to Featurewell, six of 20 novels that women identified as life changing were written by men, although only one of 20 life changing novels identified by men was written by a woman. Why the discrepancy?
a) I blame Gloria Steinem
b) remember all that media hysteria over a generation of feminized men? Didn’t happen. They were just too busy reading Zane Grey and Ernest Hemingway to set the record straight
c) they lied. Most people haven’t read 20 novels in their lives!
653) An ad on the radio says, “They say that abortion is an issue between a woman and her doctor. Aren’t they forgetting somebody?” Who might they be forgetting?
a) the abusive father
b) the Pope
c) the abusive father’s asshole drinking buddies
d) the Pope’s asshole drinking buddies
e) the lawyers for Niagara Region Right to Life
654) The Conservative government refuses to release the report written by Wajid Khan about his tour of the Middle East. What is in the report that the Conservatives don’t want the Canadian people to see?
a) the fact that Israelis aren’t always that nice to Palestinians (heaven forbid the Conservatives should upset Canadian Jews just when their relationship was going so well)
b) a positive review of the Cairo Hard Rock Cafe
c) unflattering comparisons of a Palestinian refugee camp to his Mississauga riding
655) First, Saddam Hussein was taunted at his execution. Now Barzan Ibraham, Hussein’s half-brother, literally had his head torn off when he was executed. How will the Iraqis botch the next important execution?
a) sparks will fly out of the body (which will be really strange considering their preferred method of execution is hanging, not electrocution)
b) everybody will break into laughter (you know how once a giggling fit gets going, it’s so hard to stop it), and the executioner will turn to the camera and ask if they can do another take
c) they’ll get Rosanne Barr to sing the Iraqi national anthem beforehand
656) According to Roy G. Ferguson, CEO of Chantler Packaging, plastic bags are “misunderstood” by the public. How so?
a) they want to be environmentally friendly, but they grew up in rough neighbourhoods and never had a chance to make something better of themselves
b) their wives just refuse to see things from their point of view
c) they were looking at the porn sites only for purposes of “research.” Really
657) American and Iraqi military planners are currently wrangling over future plans for the country. However, the media has been accused of not telling enough good news from Iraq, so, in an effort to try and focus on the positive, what have they been able to agree on?
a) more Starbucks lattes need to be served at joint meetings
b) Boris Spassky could have taken Deep Blue in a wrestling match
c) Hilary Clinton would be a disaster as President
658) Given the obvious success of his first mission, why is Prime Minister Stephen Harper planning on sponsoring Wajid Khan to a second trip to the Middle East?
a) so many restaurants, so little time
b) so many pundits, so few unreleased reports to taunt them with
c) the Prime Minister clearly feels that I have not made fun of Khan enough (and I thank him for the consideration)
659) What is vulvodynia?
a) you have a dirty mind for making up such a word
b) science has a dirty mind for giving an illness such a name
c) nature has a dirty mind for creating such an illness
660) Match the image with the description:
a)
b)
c)
i) four holes in the road
ii) bad luck for some toad
iii) four holes in a bod