1) Who is Conrad Black?
a) Huck Finn on steroids
b) the author of popular historical non-fiction tomes that nobody has read
c) a modern man who knows how to carry off the powdered wig look
d) the best thing to happen to lawyers in Canada since the Magna Carta
e) the man who put the “chill” in libel chill
f) other
2) Why was he on trial?
a) he was caught with his hand making off with the cookie jar
b) he flew too close to the sun (and got it to sign off on the non-compete payments in his contracts – oh, he was that good!)
c) the American justice system takes a dim view of foreigners ripping off its investors when American corporate heads can be ripping off its investors just as easily (and keeping the proceeds in the country!)
3) What was Black convicted of?
a) mail fraud (the practice of pretending to place a letter in a mailbox when you’re actually throwing out garbage)
b) male fraud (do I have to spell it out for you?)
c) literary pretentiousness and obstruction of justice
4) What, exactly, is obstruction of justice?
a) you know when you’re walking down an enclosed space like a hallway, and you meet somebody going the other way and you both step out of the way but in the same direction so you block the other person so you step out of the way again, blocking the other person again, and so on and so on? Well, doing that deliberately when you meet justice on the way to the courtroom
b) a medical condition that, as many do, sounds worse than it actually is; you simply send a balloon up the clogged artery of the legal system and 99 times out of 100 it clears out the obstruction
c) a new reality show on closed circuit television starring Black and his chauffeur
5) Why was Conrad Black acquitted of the racketeering charges against him?
a) his Edward G. Robinson impression wasn’t fooling anybody
b) prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald had delusions of Nessness
c) to prove racketeering, you have to show that lots of people were involved, and Conrad never liked to share
6) What are the possible results of the verdict?
a) Black wins the 1966 Pontiac Firebird and a year’s supply of Turtle Wax
b) he gets the opportunity – not afforded to just any old plutocrat – to find out if his writing improves while he’s spending 20 years behind bars
c) six more weeks of summer
d) other
7) What are the realistic results of the verdict?
a) Black will make millions selling his story to Hollywood, where he will be played by Shia LaBeouf
b) the appeals will go on longer than an Ingmar Bergman film festival
c) President Bush will commute his sentence
d) other
8) What was the role of David Radler in the trial?
a) the canary in the gold mine
b) Barney, the wacky neighbour
c) Iago
9) Who else was found guilty of illegal behaviour?
a) Peter Atkinson, Michael Kipnis and Jack Boultbee
b) Winkin, Blinken and Nod
c) Pestilence, War and Death (Famine was out having a bite to eat when the worst crimes were committed)
10) What message does this send to other corporate heads?
a) don’t get greedy: be happy with the $10 million worth of stock options you got in last year’s bonus
b) don’t renounce your Canadian citizenship until you’re absolutely, positively sure you’re never going to need it
c) what doesn’t kill us…should be declared in our end of year filings with the IRS
11) In a huge photo on the front page of the Toronto Star early in the trial Conrad Black is seen walking into court with his wife, daughter and an unidentified black woman in a business suit. Who is she?
a) his dominatrix
b) part of the plan to humanize Black by showing that he is willing to walk in the same direction as people of colour
c) a fashion model who had done too much coke and was on her way to a different courtroom when she got sucked into the vortex of the Black hole
12) In a less huge, but still sizeable, photo in a variety of media outlets towards the end of the trial Conrad Black is seen giving journalists the finger. Why would he do that?
a) it’s half a victory salute
b) Black intended to scold them for their shoddy journalism, but he momentarily got his scolding finger confused with the ruder one
c) because no matter what happens in court, Black will always have his dignity
13) In an even smaller, but still noticeable, photo, Black is seen walking into the courtroom wearing no socks. What was that all about?
a) he was seizing a Paul McCartney moment
b) it was a signal to his wife, Barbara Amiel, to shred the chauffeur
c) the man can no longer afford socks! Socks – that fashion staple! You know who else doesn’t wear socks? That’s right: homeless people! I hope all of you who are enjoying the schadenfreude at Black’s fall are ashamed of yourselves!
14) What is the worst thing that those jackals in the press have said about Black’s trial?
a) Conrad Black’s Chicago circus: If Black had wanted to loot his own company, there were far more subtle ways (Eric Margolis)
b) Odds are Black will go free: Considering evidence shown so far and the lawyers on the case, the prosecution doesn’t stand a chance (Peter Worthington)
c) Why the Conrad jury is still out: Did the Chicago prosecutors prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Conrad, in addition to his other accomplishments, was a mind reader? Clairvoyance. That’s what the prosecution wants to try on Conrad for size. If it doesn’t fit, the jury must acquit. (George Jonas)
15) Okay, that doesn’t seem so bad. Why do the jackals in the press seem to be taking it easy on Black?
a) pretty much all of them have either worked for him or wished they had, so there’s no bias there, nope, uh uh, no way…
b) they’re were sated after feeding on Paris Hilton, and that made them sluggish and slow
c) let’s get a little perspective, here: it’s not like he was accused of smoking marijuana or some other really serious crime
16) A friend of Black’s compared to him to the great Gatsby, giving Black the opportunity to say he was nothing like F. Scott Fitzgerald’s self-deluding wastrel. Damn straight! What is the most obvious difference between the two?
a) Gatsby is the creation of a literary genius, Black is the creation of a PR genius
b) Gatsby’s holy grail was an unattainable white light; Black’s holy grail is the actual Holy Grail
c) Gatsby made his money the old-fashioned way: he inherited it; how Black made his money is the subject of a criminal trial and a series of lawsuits
17) A friend (?) of Black’s compared him to Richard Nixon. What is the most obvious similarity between the two?
a) unwavering support for the work of the House Unamerican Activities Committee
b) gutting the staffs of small newspapers to fund an insatiable need to acquire “quality” newspapers, a need driven by a ruthless ambition to be accepted in high society
c) a blind, unreasoning trust in Henry Kissinger
18) Who else is a likely candidate to be compared Black to before the end of the appeals process and the beginning of his obscurity?
a) Minnie Mouse
b) the janitor on Scrubs
c) William Randolph McNasturtium
d) other
19) But…but, what will happen to Babs?
a) oh, I wouldn’t worry too much about Barbara Amiel – she’s a fighter: no matter what happens, she always lands on her back
b) like the main character in that O. Henry story – you know the one – she’ll turn out to be a bigger pain in the ass than her kidnappers bargained for, and they will be grateful if she just goes away
c) she’ll find a way to make shackles and an orange jumpsuit chic
20) What have we learned from this whole sad affair?
a) Conrad Black isn’t god
b) Eddie Greenspan isn’t god
c) money is still god, but it’s the cruel and capricious god of the Old Testament