761) Why has the Conservative government argued before Supreme Court Justice Frank Iabucci that he should hold almost all of the sessions of his “public” inquiry into the torture of Canadian citizens in secret, even to the point of excluding the three men who have been tortured and their lawyers?
a) some irrepressible scamp snuck into Parliament Hill and changed the definition of the word public in all of the office dictionaries (imagine the trouble he might have caused had he fiddled with the definition of peace or…or…err, that might explain a lot, actually)
b) lawyers make public inquiries slow to such a painful crawl, things would go so much smoother and faster without them. And, if their lawyers can’t be there, the subjects of the inquiry will ask so many questions things will go even slower, so what’s the point of having them there? Really, it’s just common sense…
c) it was Opposite Day in Ottawa…it’s always Opposite Day in Ottawa…
762) How does this fit in with Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s professed intention to open up government accountability?
a) about as snugly as a VW microbus fits into your left cheek
b) about as well as a tech nerd fits in at a Slayer concert
c) about as well as kicking ass and taking names in Afghanistan fits with Canada’s image as a peacekeeper and honest broker in international conflicts
763) What’s the difference between a “surge” and “staying the course?”
a) this is exactly the kind of question that reduces young people’s belief in their government and turns them to drugs! You should be ashamed of yourself for corrupting the country’s youth!
b) all the difference in the world! Except, of course, if the course is a surge, in which case…uhh…help?
c) what is the difference between 1,000 ants on a hill and 1,001 ants on a hill? (HINT: 20 more years of war)
764) Questions, questions, alla time wit da questions! When are you gonna leave me alone, already, wid da questions?
a) eh! Strougatz! I’ll leave you alone wid da questions when you stop hanging around wit dose hoodlums and get a real job! Capisce?
b) I would, but then how would you know that I love you?
c) okay, fine, I won’t ask any more questions. Will that satisfy you? Really? Not another question for as long as I live? How about if I just stop talking altogether? How would you like that? Yeah, I’ll bet you’d like that a lot, wouldn’t you? Wouldn’t you? Nothing I do is ever good enough for you, is it? Why do you stay with me? Why do you even bother to stick around, if my questions are so bad? Hunh? Why are you even still here? I do everything for you – including not asking questions – and this is the thanks I get? What if…
765) According to a press release for Diana Sauce, 70 per cent of Canadians describe themselves as having “adventurous barbecue personalities.” What does this mean?
a) they barbecue in the nude…well, they don’t actually barbecue in the nude, because they would risk being burned by stray grease if they did, but they do fantasize about it…a lot…probably to an unhealthy degree…
b) they like to barbecue in war zones
c) Diana Sauce is desperate for new customers
766) What would make Deepak Chopra angry?
a) taking away his yellow rubber ducky
b) mistaking him for the actor who played Mohinder’s father on Heroes
c) trying to figure out what would make him angry
767) Do you think “blogvertising” is smart marketing or deceitful trickery?
a) putting advertising on children’s blocks is shameful, just shameful!
b) deceitful trickery, but, while I have your attention, let me tell you about this amazing new steak strainer that I haven’t been able to live without since I accidentally discovered it last month…
c) it can’t be both?
768) What is GLBTQ2IA?
a) an acronym for Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Transgendered, Queer, Questioning,
Intersex, Allies
b) a new term term for people who think GLBT is insufficiently inclusive
c) the latest luxury liner that cruises the Atlantic (because luxury liners get lonely, too)
769) What are “enduring camps?”
a) drag queens who refuse to go away
b) your fond memories of the hellhole your parents sent you to in the summers of your formative years
c) menstrual pains that refuse to go awa – oh, wait, that’s not right…
770) What is the connection between dinosaur flatulence and global warming?
a) the politicians who embody the former refuse to accept the latter
b) eating triceratops that hadn’t been properly cooked according to FDA
guidelines
c) roughly the same as the connection between a quasar in a distant galaxy and your Aunt Erma’s hemorrhoids
771) According to Globe and Mail editor Edward Greenspon, readers were given the last word on the newspaper’s recent redesign. What was it?
a) sputem
b) gobble
c) impossible to tell, given that Greenspon didn’t actually quote any readers in the article where he said they were going to have the last word
772) Defence Minister Gordon O’Connor announced that the Afghan War will cost $4.3 billion by February, 2009. How many students could be hired to work at a camp for autistic children for this money?
a) uhh…three?
b) sorry, that’s not a calculator in my pocket, I’m just glad to see you
c) umm…carry the seven…divide by the umlaut…uhh…three and a half?
773) What percentage of 4 million is 202?
a) uhh…three?
b) give me a second – I just turned my abacus on
c) how would I know? I studied Rosicrucian film theory at university, not geomegebra!
774) What is the significance of that number?
a) it’s the number of American Idol viewers who actually voted for Sanjaya (have the producers never heard of speed dial?)
b) it’s the number of refugees the United States has allowed to emigrate from Iraq (as opposed to the number it has created there)
c) it’s the number of people who actually know how to calculate what percentage of 4 million is 202
775) Who are Floyd Flake, James Meeks and Eddie Long?
a) the members of 1960s garage rock sensation Lobster Pumice
b) false names Matt Damon uses when he wants to travel among “his people”
c) Republican loving black preachers: the ultimate oxymoron
776) According to former National Citizens Coalition Vice President Gerry Nichols, Stephen Harper used to believe “that Canadians made their political decisions based on the issues and facts, not on how much money a candidate or party spent.” What made Harper change his mind?
a) with the right friends, you’d be amazed at how much money a candidate or party can spend. I mean, we’re talking honking large amounts of green!
b) Prime Minister Stephen Harper doesn’t change his mind; any discrepancy between his previous statements and current actions is a figment of the NCC’s imagination
c) he actually spoke to some of us
777) What is the attraction of Twitter?
a) people who hate the idea of daily updates featuring the rambling thoughts of ordinary people with nothing original to say, can now get bite-sized chunks of the same information from the same people every few seconds!
b) attraction? ATTRACTION? Those freaking birds wake me up in the morning! I don’t find their twittering attractive at all!
c) I was having second thoughts about killing myself, but now…
778) The federal Conservative Party is naming candidates to run in the next election, often with opposition from local candidates and riding associations. How does this fit in with Stephen Harper’s professed intention to open up government accountability?
a) about as well as an agoraphobic would work on Survivor
b) about as well as your Uncle Ed’s stories about his goiters enliven family dinners
c) about as well as can be expected under the circumstances
779) The federal Conservative Party has distributed a 200 page document to some of its members advising them on how to shut down the work of Parliamentary committees when they threaten to look at subjects the Tories don’t want them to look at. How does this fit in with Stephen Harper’s professed intention to open up government accountability?
a) about as well as Paul Wolfowitz fits in at a Black Panther rally
b) about as well as a tortured, wordy metaphor fits into a Hemingway novel
c) about as well as a potato peeler makes toast
780) Who are you, and what have you done with my husband/wife/daughter?
a) I’m the [REDACTED FOR REASONS OF NATIONAL SECURITY] and I was trying to make the [REDACTED FOR REASONS OF NATIONAL SECURITY] go away
b) I’m the Jolly Green Giant, and I don’t answer to you!
c) I’m Matt Damon, and I’m sorry but I didn’t realize that you wanted your husband/wife/daughter so badly – I’ll get him/her/them back to you as soon as I’m done with him/her/them