741)What’s the best way to confuse somebody who only scans online documents, rather than fully reading them?
a) moray
b) moiré
c) more, eh?
742) According to Indiana Republican Mike Pence, who has visited Iraq on several occasions, Baghdad shops were “like a normal outdoor market in Indiana in the summer time.” How so?
a) if a customer in a shop in Indiana doesn’t like your prices, he may shoot you a dirty look; if a customer in a shop in Baghdad doesn’t like your prices, he may shoot you
b) in Indiana in the summer time, you need to wear repellant to protect you from the mosquitoes out for your blood; in Baghdad in the summertime, you need to wear flak jackets to protect you from Apaches out for your blood
c) it isn’t; Pence needs to talk to his therapist about his delusions
743) According to Alliance-Atlantis, CSI: New York is an appropriate show to air on the History Television specialty channel because it looks at forensic policing in post-9/11 New York. Using this logic, which of the following rationales should be most effective?
a) BET should air All in the Family because it is a serious investigation of race relations in the 1970s
b) YTV should air Malcolm in the Middle because it is an intense exploration of the inner workings of the mind of a teenage boy
c) the Nature channel should air Heroes because it has a lot to teach us about the mechanics of genetic mutation and natural selection
744) Retired General William Odom, in testimony to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, said, “That’s just not a good situation to be in.” To what was he referring?
a) being friends with two people who are going through an ugly divorce
b) being on a diet when there’s still half a double chocolate devil’s food cake to be eaten
c) giving testimony to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee
745) Match the Don Imus quote with the person or group it was made about.
a) “I tried to put it in terms that these money-grubbing bastards could understand.”
b) “Old Kabuki’s in a coma and the market’s going up. […] How old is the boy? The battery’s running down on that boy.”
c) “Nappy headed hos.”
i) the Rutgers University women’s basketball team
ii) “Jewish management” at CBS
iii) Japanese Prime Minister Keizo Obuchi (who died the following week)
BONUS QUESTION: which comment got him fired?
746) Rachel Marsden, referring to Imus as a “media legend,” defended his right to free speech. Given her dedication to the concept of freedom of expression, which of the descriptions of Marsden should she accept?
a) empty headed ho
b) empty headed hack
c) like a fine cask of Armadillo, she doesn’t age very well
d) any of the above, and so much more
747) What is the difference between the “global war on terror” and the “global struggle against violent extremism?”
a) one has 39 letters, the other only 16 (now, that’s progress!)
b) the GSAVE is made of Teflon, the GWOT isn’t, so GWOT is the one that’s stuck
c) what is the difference between 1,000 ants on a hill and 1,001 ants on a hill? (HINT: 20 more years of war)
748) Luis Posada Carriles was responsible for the bombing of an airplane in which 73 innocent travelers were killed. This act of terror was conducted in the cause of fighting the rule of Fidel Castro in Cuba. How has the US government responded?
a) because it takes the war on terror very, very, very, very, very seriously (and, that’s five verys, so you know the government takes this very, very, very, very, very seriously [and, that’s five verys, so you know I’m very, very, very, very, very serious when I say the government takes this seriously {and, that’s five ver – oh, will this absurdity never end!}]), the harshest punishment the American government can mete out: $350,000 bail and house arrest with electronic monitoring
b) by giving him a one way ticket to the Gitmo Amusement Park and Torture Museum
c) it ran shrieking from the room like a girly-man
749) What do retired Marine General John Sheehan, retired Army General Jack Keane and retired Air Force General Joseph Ralston have in common?
a) a love of Cherry Garcia ice cream
b) the ability to bend steel with their bare hands
c) their fathers were manic-depressives and their mothers smelled of elderberries
750) French President-elect Nicolas Sarkozy has stated: “In the republic that I want to serve, there cannot be rights without obligations. All must have their opportunity, but they must earn it by work, by personal commitment, by belief.” How soon will his government face its first nepotism scandal?
a) six months
b) three weeks
c) hey, cut the guy some slack, will you? He hasn’t even taken office yet. Uhh…would now be too soon?
751) What is a “partial birth” abortion?
a) the Henry Moore sculpture his family didn’t want you to see
b) the punchline to a “partial pregnancy” joke (it’s a knee-slapper at neo-con dinner dances)
c) what you get when five wealthy men decide what’s best for women’s health based on an ideological construction rather than facts
752) The Beaver: Canada’s History Magazine is sponsoring a contest to find the “worst Canadian” in the country’s history. Who would you nominate as the worst Canadian?
a) Matt Albacore, because he’s had my power mower for seven years, now, and he promised he only needed it for the weekend
b) Pierre LaFont, because in 1887 he borrowed my mule for a weekend and didn’t return it to me for seven years
c) George W. Bush (because, honestly, it takes talent to be the worst at something you’re not even qualified for)
753) Which of the following groups, all of which have argued that human caused global warming does not exist, was not funded in any way by ExxonMobil?
a) The Heartland Institute
b) The Alliance for Climate Strategies
c) The Center for the Study of Carbon Dioxide and Global Change
d) The Competitive Enterprise Institute
e) The George Marshall Institute
f) none of the above
754) World Wrestling Entertainment funding a movie that decries violence as entertainment is most like…
a) Krispy Kreme funding research on obesity
b) O. J. Simpson looking for his wife’s killer
c) the original cast of WKRP In Cincinnati frying – oh, who am I kidding? Nothing can top an O. J. Simpson gag
755) Given the risibly one-sidedness of the pro-Iraq War documentary America at the Crossroads, what should PBS be renamed?
a) Pure Bullshit System
b) Pacifist of Business Suits
c) Pocket Billiards Suicide
756) Former CIA director George Tenet claims in a new book that his characterization of Iraq having weapons of mass destruction as a “slam dunk” was taken out of context. What was the original context of the statement?
a) a drunken frat party
b) a super secret, for eyes only tough nuggies no punch backs presidential document that he never in a million years believed would be made public for partisan political gain
c) Tenet applying the ago old spying game adage “You go along to get along”
757) From the following list, choose the term or terms which are NOT medical conditions.
a) bleeding heart
b) bleeding hell
c) bleeding edge
d) bleeding ulcer
758) What is “radical Islam?”
a) Imams on skateboards (who will be featured in the next Tony Hawk game)
b) a new form of ska
c) the latest parental bogey man (you know: “Eat all your vegetables, or radical Islam will get you!” “Aww, ma!” “Don’t ‘aww ma!’ me, young woman – radical Islam is waiting under your bed even as we speak, and if it doesn’t smell vegetables on your breath when you go to sleep, well, I don’t want to think about the mess I’ll have to clean up in the morning!”)
759) What is an “enviropreneur?”
a) the neologism that broke the lexicographer’s back
b) a virus spread from one person who questions global warming for economic, not scientific, reasons to the next (don’t bother washing your hands – it’s transmitted through the ears)
c) somebody who can read the writing on the wall after he has sold you the spray paint to put it there and before he sells you the industrial solvents you’ll need to remove it
760) Match the quote with the politician who said it.
a) “My hair is such a disaster… I can’t do my hair at all. It’s just a burden.”
b) “I just cut my hair… It was traumatic. I was terrified. I’ve saved my hair. It’s in an envelop in my house.”
c) “I can’t style my bangs even though I love them…and then I’m stuck with hair I can’t figure out.”
i) John Edwards
ii) Nicolas Sarkozy
iii) Vladimir Putin