CONRAD: Can you raise my allowance puuuuhleeeeeze!
COURT: By how much?
CONRAD: $50,000.
COURT: Are you serious? You want an additional $50,000 a month?
CONRAD: No.
COURT: Oh, good, because –
CONRAD: I want you to raise my allowance by $50,000 a week.
COURT: Absolutely not!
CONRAD: But, I need that extra money!
COURT: For what?
CONRAD: As you well know, I’ve had to put some of my houses on the market. And, just last week, we had to lay off three maids.
COURT: Conrad, you’re only getting $50,000 a month.
CONRAD: Well, exactly! How can anybody live on a measly $50,000 a month!
COURT: You’re not getting more allowance money.
CONRAD: Aww, why not? The McCains just bought a chalet in Monaco!
COURT: If the McCains threw all of their money off the CN Tower, and then jumped off after it, would you do that, too?
CONRAD: Well, no.
COURT: Alright, then –
CONRAD: I would wait at the bottom and collect as much money as I could before they hit the street.
COURT: (sighs) Be that as it may, you are not getting a raise in your allowance.
CONRAD: You just hate me because I’m rich.
COURT: That has nothing to do with it!
CONRAD: Because I have a better vocabulary, then.
COURT: Anybody who can use a thesaurus can write like you can.
CONRAD: You hate me because I know how to use a thesaurus.
COURT: I DON’T HATE YOU! A court of law is a place where the dispassionate dispensation of justice is supposed to be carried out without favour. Judges are not supposed to allow personal feelings to enter into their decisions. Thus, I do not hate you.
CONRAD: Oh.
COURT: Although given your continuously outrageous behaviour, I’m developing a keen sympathy for people who do…
CUSTOMER: I’d like a Kokanee, please.
FIREMAN: This is a fire station.
CUSTOMER: I know. My friends recommended The Fire Station. They say it’s the hottest club in the city.
FIREMAN: This isn’t a club.
CUSTOMER: Did I get the name wrong?
FIREMAN: What?
CUSTOMER: Is this The Fire House?
FIREMAN: Well, yes, this is a fire house.
CUSTOMER: Can I get a Kokanee, then, please?
FIREMAN: We don’t have Kokanee!
CUSTOMER: Oh. (pause) How about a Creemore?
FIREMAN: No.
CUSTOMER: Sleeman’s?
FIREMAN: No!
CUSTOMER: Rickard’s Red?
FIREMAN: No! No! No! No! No! Not Rickard’s Red, Rickard’s Yellow, Rickard’s Orange, Rickard’s Puce, Rickard’s Regal Magenta, Rickard’s Saffron or Rickard’s Beige!
CUSTOMER: I didn’t realize Rickard’s came in Regal Magenta.
FIREMAN: We don’t have any of them!
CUSTOMER: I see. How about a Blue, then?
FIREMAN: You cannot get a Blue here!
CUSTOMER: Oh, come on! It’s one of the most popular alcoholic beverages in the country! Everybody has Blue.
FIREMAN: Not a fire station!
CUSTOMER: You can’t give me a glass of Blue?
FIREMAN: No!
CUSTOMER: How about a pitcher?
FIREMAN: There isn’t any Blue here! There is no alcohol of any kind!
CUSTOMER: No alcohol?
FIREMAN: None!
CUSTOMER: Well, it seems that my friends have given me incorrect information.
FIREMAN: Yes, it would definitely bloody seem!
CUSTOMER: They should have told me this was an all ages club.
FIREMAN: This isn’t a club!
CUSTOMER: Not much of one, no.
FIREMAN: Aaaargh!
CUSTOMER: You think this is frustrating? Imagine how I felt when my house was burning down and the fire station sent a bottle of Champagne and a six pack of Lakeport!
BUSH: Diplomacy?
BAKER: That’s right.
BUSH: What’s that?
BAKER: Are you serious?
BUSH: I don’t tell jokes unless a scriptwriter has written them.
BAKER: Diplomacy is…diplomacy. Talking to people.
BUSH: Like we’re talking now.
BAKER: No. Diplomacy is more formal than the way we’re talking now.
BUSH: Like, with rules and stuff?
BAKER: Yes.
BUSH: See, I don’t like rules unless I get to make them.
BAKER: Ah. Well. Yes. Uhh…putting that aside for the moment, the important thing about diplomacy is that you listen to the points of view of other people and incorporate them into your decisions.
BUSH: I do that.
BAKER: You do?
BUSH: Sure. When I’m not being a decider, see, I’m a listener. I listen to Condi and Rummy and Dick and –
BAKER: Ah, but, Mister President, diplomacy means listening to people who don’t necessarily tell you what you want to hear. People in the Iraqi insurgency, for example, or people from Syria or Iran.
BUSH: But…but…they’re evil. If I started listening to them, next thing you know, I’d be supporting pot communes with their own resident abortionists!
BAKER: Mister President, if you don’t negotiate with your enemies, you doom us all to war without end.
BUSH: That’s what I been saying! I’m glad we finally found something we can agree on…