1) Why is the United States planning on building a missile defense system in Poland and the Czech Republic?
2) Do Poland and the Czech Republic need to be protected from Iran?
3) Why did Russia threaten to pull out of an arms agreement treaty if the United States goes through with its plan?
4) Why doesn’t it matter?
5) If it doesn’t work, why is the United States planning on doing it?
6) Are you intentionally trying to make my brain hurt?
7) Why does everybody need protecting from Iran?
8) What does that even mean?
9) Okay, so, you’re suggesting that the United States wants to attack Iran?
10) Why does the United States want to attack Iran?
11) Do you mean because Iran has nuclear weapons?
12) Umm, well, setting that aside for the moment, what rational reason could the United States have for attacking Iran?
13) Nnnnng…nnnnng gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
14) Nnnnng…nnnnng gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Aaaaaa?
15) Seriously?
16) Well, why should we follow rules when our enemies don’t?
17) Can’t we just break a few rules, small ones, ones that people hardly even notice, and still be able to claim the moral high ground?
1) Why is the United States planning on building a missile defense system in Poland and the Czech Republic?
To protect them from Iran. (Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no moooore!)
2) Do Poland and the Czech Republic need to be protected from Iran?
Don’t you pay attention to the news? Everybody needs to be protected from Iran.
3) Why did Russia threaten to pull out of an arms agreement treaty if the United States goes through with its plan?
Russian Premier Vladimir Putin looked into President George W. Bush’s heart and didn’t like what he saw. Not that it matters.
Because, after decades and billions of dollars, the missile defense system still doesn’t work.
5) If it doesn’t work, why is the United States planning on doing it?
To protect Poland and the Czech Republic from Iran. Didn’t all the nudging and the winking and the say no moring get your attention?
6) Are you intentionally trying to make my brain hurt?
No, but if that happens, I consider it another perk of my job.
7) Why does everybody need protecting from Iran?
Because they’re the new Iraq, which makes them the new Hitler once removed.
Ask Tony Snow. Even if he doesn’t know, he’ll spend 10 minutes giving you an answer. And, if you thought my answers made your brain hurt…
9) Okay, so, you’re suggesting that the United States wants to attack Iran?
I’m glad my years at nudging and winking school weren’t a total loss.
10) Why does the United States want to attack Iran?
Because it doesn’t have nuclear weapons.
11) Do you mean because Iran has nuclear weapons?
Are you insane? If Iran had nuclear weapons, they would be seriously tempted to use them if the United States attacked. I mean, seriously tempted. I mean, much more seriously tempted than you were by that last piece of chocolate cake – no, don’t try to deny it. I saw you eying the last piece of chocolate cake earlier. Well, this would be much worse. Because, you know, if you eat a piece of chocolate cake, it might contribute to you having a heart attack 20 or 30 years down the road, but if an enemy you’re invading uses a nuclear weapon against you, the whole world could have a heart attack.
12) Umm, well, setting that aside for the moment, what rational reason could the United States have for attacking Iran?
It would help take people’s minds off the fact that Lebanon is in flames, Fatah and Hamas are battling it out in the Occupied Territories – which might lead Israel to have to accept a three state solution – the war in Iraq is going so badly and the war in Afghanistan may be following it into the abyss.
13) Nnnnng…nnnnng gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Yes, that is a common response of people to the situation in the Middle East. However, it isn’t really in the form of a question, so it really isn’t appropriate for this file. You might want to try submitting it to a Frequently Unexpressed Terror file.
14) Nnnnng…nnnnng gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Aaaaaa?
Ah. Much better. When assessing whether or not the Bush administration’s policies in the Middle East have made things better or worse, it may be well to keep in mind that there are at least 12 Arab countries that are not involved in the current difficulties. Well, not directly involved, in any case. For the most part – look, the point is that a less competent government may well have involved many more countries in the region in the current wars. From that perspective, Bush is practically a peacenik!
You know, it’s people like you that make me wish there was a school that taught people like you how to read satire. Seriously, the Bush administration has broken so many rules of international conduct, even I have difficulty making fun of them all.
16) Well, why should we follow rules when our enemies don’t?
Because following rules is what makes you better than your enemies.
17) Can’t we just break a few rules, small ones, ones that people hardly even notice, and still be able to claim the moral high ground?
Be my guest. Governments throughout the world constantly break rules and claim the moral high ground. Just make sure you don’t have any philosophers in your administration, because they’re a real buzzkill.