“It is a clear, beautiful day in Washington, 72 gorgeous Fahrenheit degrees with a slight breeze coming off the Potomac. In short, the perfect day for a once in a generation event. I’m talking, of course, of the ceremonial changing of the poodle. I’m Maria McRuickus…”
“And I’m Chas DuBonk. As we speak, President George W. Bush is on the podium, flanked by British Prime Minister Tony Blair, the outgoing poodle, and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, the incoming poodle. Bush is in the middle of a speech full of praiseful platitudes about great Western democracies working together to better the lives of their people and people around the world.”
“Poodle scholars are divided on the meaning of this praise. Some believe it is meant as sarcasm since, in becoming the subservient poodle of the most powerful nation in the world, a country gives up any pretension to greatness, not to mention a goodly chunk of its sovereignty. Others see the speech in a brighter light, as a magnanimous gesture of comfort to the country that is about to give up so much of its self-respect.”
“I guess it’s a glass half full or glass empty thing, isn’t it, Maria?”
“As long as you understand the glass contains strychnine, Chas.”
“Ha ha. But, seriously, the speech to the poodles has not always been so conciliatory. In fact, this is a relatively modern innovation. When the Gauls took over the poodle role in the Roman Empire, for instance, the Emperor’s speech was full of rhetoric about smiting enemies and allowing no resistor to survive.”
“We sure have come a long way since then.”
“Yes, we – oh, and President Bush has finished the speech, and the crowd are on their feet cheering. Blair and Harper meet on the podium behind the President for a few unscripted remarks. Nobody knows the exact words exchanged between the poodles, but tradition has it that the incoming poodle makes a jocularly disparaging remark about the outgoing poodle’s masculinity, and the outgoing poodle replies that the incoming poodle should check the Crown Jewels in five years and get back to him.”
“And, yes, this is being followed by the ceremonial handshake. Prime Minister Harper is wincing ever so slightly, an indication that he has accepted the tradition that the outgoing poodle be allowed to crush the hand of the incoming poodle. The symbolic significance of this gesture should be obvious.”
“Of course, this is the culmination of a week’s worth of events, Maria.”
“Right you are, Chas. On Monday, we had the traditional naming of the poodle. As with much else, this part of the ceremony has undergone substantial change over time. In the old days, the Master used to say something like, ‘I dub thee Sir Gerald of Spam.’ Nowadays, it may be as simple as, ‘I think I’m gonna call you Dippy.’”
“Of course, the new name was immediately made public. Yesterday, on the other hand, there was a private ceremony in which Tony Blair handed over the seal of poodlehood to Stephen Harper. The seal, plated in pure gold, has an image of a small dog sitting in somebody’s lap, a human hand patting it on the head. It is inscribed with the Latin phrase: “Vos vires basium tergum terminus vox , tamen vos melior fuisti validus spiritus Mentos.” Loosely translated, this means: “You can kiss the ass of power, but you better have a strong breath mint.”
“It sounds better in Latin, somehow, doesn’t it, Chas? More…ancient.”
“It certainly does. Now, for viewers who may be unfamiliar with the position, Maria, what does the poodle actually do?”
“Well, Chas, the poodle publicly supports whatever insane policies the Master devises. This gives him the opportunity to go back to his people and explain why they’re all wrong and his country must do what the Master wishes.”
“And, what does the poodle receive in return?”
“Oh, plenty. The poodle has the ear of the President, meaning that it is the first government to have its sage advice ignored when he’s made up his mind to do something insane. It also means preferential treatment for the goods produced by the country, unless that conflicts with the Master’s economic agenda, in which case it doesn’t. What world leader in his right mind wouldn’t want such advantages?”
“It’s ironic, isn’t it, Maria, that Canada was once Britain’s poodle, and now, with President Bush shaking Prime Minister Harper’s hand, it has become the poodle of the United States?”
“Well, Chas, I guess some countries are just better at fondling the genitals of power than others.”
“Well put, Maria. Graphic, but well put. We have to take a break here, but, when we come back, our panel of experts will discuss the proposition that being a poodle brings honour to a politician while dishonouring his country. Stay with us…”