Thank you, Lakeisha Huynh, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Must…not…make…fun…of…name. Puns…too…easy. Must…resist…at…all…all…at all – do you not understand what we’re saying, Lakeisha? Huynh? Really? You have a problem with English? Go ahead and bring on the Human Rights Commission complaint – it was worth it.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
If The Finance Minister Was Self-reflexive Instead Of Self-Absorbed
JIM FLAHERTY: Ontario needs to get its shit together. A good start would be to lower its corporate tax rate, which is among the highest in the world.
JIM FLAHERTY: Actually, Ontario’s current corporate tax rate is lower than Ottawa’s.
JIM FLAHERTY: It is?
JIM FLAHERTY: Yep. Ontario’s is 14 per cent. Ottawa’s is 19.5 per cent.
JIM FLAHERTY: Hunh. Learn something new every day.
JIM FLAHERTY: Besides, you’re ultimately responsible for Ontario’s corporate tax rate.
JIM FLAHERTY: I am?
JIM FLAHERTY: You were part of the Conservative provincial government that set the current rate, which the Liberal government hasn’t changed.
JIM FLAHERTY: Really?
JIM FLAHERTY: Really.
JIM FLAHERTY: What a douchebag!
JIM FLAHERTY: Tell me about it!
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like an Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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I’m Waiting For A Show About A Native Who Uses White Man’s Magic To Ease Her Emotional Journey Through Life
9pm. Fox. New Amsterdam. John Amsterdam, a young Dutch soldier in the new world in 1642, shielded a young native girl from a sword, sparing her life. In thanks, the mystic girl gave him immortality. In the present, native groups sue Amsterdam, claiming damages from the portrayal of the cliché of native magic being used to help ease white people through their emotional journey through life.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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To Leak One Secret, Mister Harper, May Be Regarded As A Misfortune; To Leak Two Looks Like Intentional Carelessness
“The leak of Barack Obama’s supposed backtracking on his stated position on NAFTA was regretful. Blatantly unfair. Contrary to the interests of Canada. It shouldn’t have happened. I’m sure nobody in my government was involved.”
You’re wrong. The first leak came from Ian Brodie. A second leak then came from Canada’s Consul-General in Chicago.
“I intend to get to the bottom of this disgraceful episode, to determine if anybody in my government was responsible.”
Somebody in your government was responsible: Ian Brodie.
“We’re going to investigate this entire matter and take whatever action that is deemed necessary based on the facts that we are able to discover.”
No need to investigate. It was your chief of staff. Ian Brodie. He made a comment on the subject to a CTV reporter, and the story ballooned from there.
“This incident could have serious repercussions for our two countries. You’d better believe I want to get to the bottom of it.”
IAN BRODIE! IAN – YOUR CHIEF OF STAFF, IAN BRODIE! HE WAS THE SOURCE OF THE LEAK!
“It’s a complete mystery, but, rest assured, I will find out.”
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGH!
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/77.htm]
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If The Minister Of Public Works And Government Services Was Self-reflexive Instead Of Self-Absor – Wait A Second: Where Have I Heard This Before?
Senators are not earning their pay. And, I, Conservative Senator Michael Fortier, should know, because I’m one of the worst of this bad, bad lot. I only participated in five of 34 recorded votes since I was appointed to the Senate two years ago.
While I’m on the subject, I have to tell you that the Senate isn’t exactly populated with Nobel Prize winners. Seriously. Take…me, for example. If the Senate had been elected, Stephen Harper would never have been able to appoint me to it and I never would have been able to sit in his cabinet. But, am I prepared to temper my attacks on the Senate in light of this? Hell, no!
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/Opinion/2008/03/12/506627.html]
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Do American Mormons Fear An Obama Presidency? Do American Buddhists Fear An Obama Presidency? Do American Pastafarians Fear An Obama Presidency? Are These Reasonable Questions?
“Do American Jews fear an Obama presidency? They shouldn’t”
– headline on a Globe and Mail article
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1376521874]
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They Have To? Why?
Prime Minister Stephen Harper has threatened to sue Stephane Dion and the Liberals if they keep pursuing allegations that the Conservative Party offered MP Chuck Cadman money in exchange for his vote that brought down the Liberal government of Paul Martin.
Good for Harper! Since Conrad Black is now a jailed felon, somebody in Canada has to keep libel chill alive!
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b6e6-4c18-bf9b-07b648cc57ec]
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If I’m Sure How To Feel, Can I Ignore Your Advice?
Having exhausted all other options, Conrad Black will be going to jail today. Unsure how you should feel about this? Use this simple guide:
DEMOGRAPHIC: Wealthy. WHAT YOU SAY: It is a shocking abuse of American prosecutorial power. HOW YOU REALLY FEEL: Thank god it wasn’t me!
DEMOGRAPHIC: Middle Class. WHAT YOU SAY: Rich bastard had it coming to him. You know how many people lost their savings because of his fraud? HOW YOU REALLY FEEL: Who do I have to kill to be in his position?
DEMOGRAPHIC: Poor. WHAT YOU SAY AND HOW YOU REALLY FEEL: how is this going to help me put food on my table?
SOURCE: Politics for Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=539&dir=bb]
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Absolutely! They Have The Choice Of Not Being Able To Afford A Registered Retirement Savings Plan Or Not Being Able To Afford A Tax Savings Account (We’re Too Good To Them!)
“Flaherty’s tax-saving plan
PRO: Offers more choice for low-income Canadians”
– headline over a Toronto Star article by C. D. Howe Institute mouthpiece Finn Poschmann
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1376533774]
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Is It Really Better To Burn Out Your Retinas Than For Your Vision To Fade Away?
Macular Degeneration
People are quick to diss me
Macular degeneration
Just because I cannot see
Macular degeneration
Things they say are awfully cold
Macular degeneration
It’s just a sign I’m getting’ old
Macular degeneration
It’s macular degeneration
Macular degeneration, baby
You’re all starting to fade away
Macular degeneration
Not much more that I can say
Macular degeneration
I’m startin’ to lose all sensation
Macular degeneration
Thanks to macular degeneration
It’s macular degeneration
Macular degeneration, baby
[with apologies to The Who]
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/220.html]
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