Thank you, Ermeline Battleax, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we took a swig of Doctor Pfeffer’s and completely forgot what we were doing! Fortunately, the process is so automated that…uhh…who are you, and…and why are we writing this?
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Israel And Labrador Compete For A Larger Share Of The International Scrod Market
Will recent statements about actions undertaken by the state of Israel torpedo the hopes of Liberal leadership candidate Michael Ignatieff?
In a recent interview, Ignatieff, referring to Israel’s recent explosion of a nuclear warhead over Labrador, stated, “Well, that seemed a little excessive, didn’t it? I mean, what has Labrador ever done to Israel to deserve being obliterated like that?”
Conservative leader Stephen Harper jumped all over Ignatieff’s comments, claiming that “It should be obvious that the Liberal Party of Canada hates Jews.” When a Conservative backbencher started waxing poetic about Labrador’s scenic vistas, Harper had him gagged and removed from the Commons.
SOURCE: The Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32328641314681334687scifi]
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The Littlest Nuke
The earth moved. What caused it is a matter of debate.
Some people are questioning whether Kim Jong-Il, leader of North Korea, actually exploded a nuclear device, as he claims. The blast was not very large.
Oh, Kim. Dear Leader! Despair not! It’s not the size of your bomb that matters, but how you deploy it.
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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Because Everybody Knows That The Republicans Love Queers
“Had they [House Republicans] overly aggressively reacted to the initial notes [Mark Foley sent to underage pages], they would have also been accused of gay-bashing.”
– Newt Gingrich
“This battle [to ban same-sex marriage] is the most important issue that we face today.”
– Marilyn Musgrave
“Unfortunately, many today mislabel those who speak out against the sin of homosexuality as hate-mongers and prejudiced people seeking to oppress and take away the rights of homosexuals. But these persons view homosexuality from a skewed social perspective devoid of true biblical morality.”
– John Ashcroft
“If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual [gay] sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery, you have the right to anything.”
– Rick Santorum
“I’m really proud to say that in the recorded history of our family, we’ve never had a divorce or any kind of homosexual relationship.”
– James Inhofe
…
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Safekeeper Or Cryptkeeper? You Be The Judge
Signs that rock and roll is about as dangerous as wet matzoh, #127: radio stations, including new and hard rock radio stations, are shilling for software to allow parents to control what their children do online. If this was the 1960s, those radio stations would be hawking software that allowed children to fool their parents about what they were doing online!
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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It Won’t Get The Stains Out Of Your Carpet Or Fix Your Lifeless Marriage – But You Won’t Care!
Hi. My name is Condoleezza Rice, but you know me better as plain old Condi. I am Secretary of State, although mostly I play one on TV.
Have you been having problems with your elderly parents telling you the same old stories from the Second World War even though they can’t remember to put on their pyjamas before going to bed? Or what pyjamas are? Or bed? Clearly, you need Doctor Pfeffer’s Milk of Amnesia.
That’s right! Doctor Pfeffer’s Milk of Amnesia will help your loved ones forget those things that are most embarrassing to you. And, I can tell you from personal experience that it works. Man, does it work! Internal memo warning that Osama bin Laden is poised to strike within America’s borders? What internal memo warning that Osama bin Laden is poised to strike within America’s borders? In fact, they’re so effective, I just might take enough to forget the whole last six years!
Doctor Pfeffer’s Milk of Amnesia – ask your doctor. And, if you want it for yourself, write it down so you can ask your doctor for a refill.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1000952594]
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60 Is Twice The Show 30 Is
One of the most serious questions of our time, one that keeps philosophers up at night with cold sweats is: which series based on a late night comedy show is going to die first: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip or 30 Rock? Let’s compare them:
| Studio 60 | 30 Rock | Assessment | |
|---|---|---|---|
| creator | Aaron Sorkin | Tina Fey | Fey was the best thing on SNL; Studio 60 wins this one |
| executive producer | Thomas Schlamme | Lorne Michaels | go with the one you’ve never heard of – how sad is that? |
| male lead | Bradley Whitford and Matthew Perry | Alec Baldwin | Perry and Whitman could take Baldwin in a fair fight |
| female lead | Amanda Peet | Jane Krakowski | if only 30 Rock had stayed with Rachel Dratch… |
| token black comedian | D. L. Hughley | Tracy Morgan | Morgan was not the best thing on SNL… |
| guest stars | Judd Hirsch, Ed Asner, Sting… | uhh, can I get back to you on this…? | it almost seems unfair… |
| shows sketches? | yes | no | bad sign… |
With so much going for it, it’s clear that Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip won’t last more than a couple of months. Congratulations, 30 Rock.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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The Dengali Orphan Wears Prada
DEAR MISSED MANNERS: I have just received an invitation to a gala fundraiser at the White House. I am considering adopting a child for the function, but I can’t decide if I should get an African child or an Asian child. Do you have any advice?
DEAR HEART: the dos and don’ts of accessorizing with foreign children are complex, something you rarely see in the dumbed down coverage of people like Madonna or Angelina Jolie.
To some extent, it depends upon what you’re wearing. If you intend to go in black, for instance, I would advise that you not adopt an African child, since that would make for a poor contrast. On the other hand, white clothing goes with pretty much any foreign child.
Another consideration is the politics of the people who will be attending with you. If they are doing business with China, for example, it would be in poor taste to accessorize with a Tibetan orphan.
Common sense will take you a long way. If you don’t have any, you might want to consult a political pundit. Or a fashion designer.
SOURCE: The Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1087591831615&call_pageid=967335226492&col=968666972154]
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