321) Who or what are “Vegan Vixens?”
a) a long lost Russ Meyer flick
b) confused female cannibals
c) a new act at the Sands hotel in Vegas
322) How is the Israeli evacuation of settlers from the Gaza Strip most like Nazi Germany?
a) the Israeli government plans to put the settlers to work in concentration camps
b) the German government gave each Jew $300,000 to leave their homes
c) Jewish settlement in Germany hadn’t ever been against any international laws
d) uhh, none of the above?
323) Evangelist Pat Robertson stated that the United States could save itself a costly war if it would just “take out” Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. However, now he says that his statement was misinterpreted, that he didn’t mean the US should assassinate Chavez. What could he have meant?
a) that the US should take Chavez out for dinner, because he’s just a little lonely, and he’ll be much more amenable to transnational capitalism on a full stomach (and, let’s face it, $200 for a meal is less expensive than $200 billion for a war)
b) that the US should erase Chavez from the history books, the classic “Nyah, nyah, I can’t hear you because you don’t exist!” approach to foreign policy
c) that the US should merely kidnap Chavez, because taking away a person’s freedom would be a Christian thing to do
324) Match the politician with the statement they made during free trade negotiations, and the statement they made after the United States defied a NAFTA panel ruling that its tariff on Canadian softwood lumber was illegal.
a) Pat Carney
b) Derek Burney
c) Gordon Ritchie
i) “If you can’t respond to our demands, we’ve reached the final impasse… The US administration is going to have to take a risk for Canada with Congress.” (October, 1987)
ii) “If the trade agreement does not go through, sooner or later, the forces of US protectionism, which we caught napping this time, will be gunning for us.” (October, 1988)
iii) “I am sure many of you have dreamed of turning a small business into a chain or franchise operation… Free trade means such a dream can be taken anywhere on the continent.” (April, 1988)
1) “There is a strong case to be made that when you’re dealing with a bully and the bully punches you, you should punch him back.”
2) “I always said they were jackboot negotiators… We will have to see now whether it unravels totally after this.”
3) “It’s the tactic of the schoolyard bully, which was exactly what we were trying to prevent when we negotiated the free trade agreement…it’s beyond the pale.”
325) What does the following image represent?
a) Andy Warhol on acid
b) Saddam Hussein’s stores of chemical and nuclear weapons
c) your parents’ video games
326) President George W. Bush argues that American troops must remain in Iraq out of respect for the American troops that have already died in Iraq. By this logic, when will it be acceptable to withdraw American troops from Iraq?
a) when there are no more Americans left alive
b) when there is no more oil left in Iraq
c) the day after the Iraqis finish writing their Constitution (six months – the gestation period of a mongoose – late and counting!)
327) When will Iraqis finish writing their Constitution?
a) when there are no more Americans left alive
b) when there is no more oil left in Iraq
c) are you familiar with the branch of mathematics dealing with irrational numbers?
328) What was Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld referring to when he said, “While no one condones looting, on the other hand, one can understand the pent-up feelings that may result from decades of repression?”
a) the looting in Baghdad after the American invasion
b) the looting in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina
c) the neocon attitude towards the treasury
329) What is the biggest advantage of an all volunteer army for America’s wealthy?
a) they don’t have to waste time and money thinking up elaborate deferment plans for their children
b) they don’t have to go to the expense of outsourcing their guilt over getting deferments for their children
c) they can support foreign wars more vocally secure in the knowledge that their children won’t be fighting in them
d) all of the above
e) other
330) Why would David Horowitz run an article on his Web site labeling Cindy Sheehan an “American Nazi Idol?”
a) he’s just jealous that he doesn’t have his own reality show
b) because he believes that extremism in the destruction of liberty is no vice
c) an extreme and bizarre case of womb envy
331) What does Colin Powell consider a blot on his record?
a) the time he referred to the Grand Canyon as “a pretty big hole”
b) the time when he was driving his family to the cottage and they didn’t get there until after midnight because he refused to stop and ask for directions
c) his speech to the United Nations detailing Iraqi weapons that many in the government, including intelligence agents, knew didn’t exist
332) Why does the Chinese government hate the Falun Gong so much?
a) they’re getting the religious movement confused with The Falun Gong Show, and they’re afraid that if they are gonged by Jaye P. Morgan it will undermine their credibility in the international community
b) they’re just jealous because they have to sit by the phone on Friday night hoping for a date while Falun Gong always gets called by the cutest guys
c) the Communist Party of China has vast stores of hate left over from the Cultural Revolution and is worried that if it doesn’t use them, they will spoil
333) What is the best thing that will come out of the rebuilding of Trent Lott’s house in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina?
a) it can hold 400 people comfortably (not that he’s ever been good at sharing…)
b) while President Bush is sitting on the front porch, he can’t be in Washington causing trouble…
c) it will give hope to all the other American multimillionaire politicians that when disaster strikes, they can rebuild their shattered lives
334) President Bush has accepted responsibility for the problems with the government response to Hurricane Katrina. What was he actually accepting responsibility for?
a) Federal Emergency Management Agency officials turning away three trailer trucks loaded with water donated by Wal-Mart
b) FEMA preventing the Coast Guard from delivering 1,000 gallons of diesel fuel
c) cutting an emergency communications line, leading the sheriff to restore it and post armed guards to protect it from FEMA
d) ARE YOU MENTAL? Look, when the President said he was “accepting responsibility,” he meant it in an abstract, “I’m doing this to save my political career,” wink and a nod, “you don’t really expect me to suffer any serious adverse consequences just because I talk about responsibility, do you?” kind of way. Anything else would just be crazy talk.
335) Well, what good is claiming responsibility for mistakes if there are no consequences to making the mistakes?
a) that’s the beauty of the system
b) if you come from the right family and have enough money, you can pay somebody to erase the word “consequences” from your vocabulary
c) it makes all those little people who are not worthy of licking the mud off your boots realize just how humble you are
336) How would you describe the look on his face when President Bush stated that he would accept responsibility for the problems with the federal response to the hurricane?
a) like he had just been forced to swallow a live ferret
b) like he had just been forced to swallow a live ferret on live TV, and he knew he wasn’t even going to win first prize on Fear Factor
c) like somebody had just told him that he had lost all of his assets and he would now have to live in New Orleans
337) Bachelor Number Two, what piece do you feel best represents you in the game of life?
a) a rook, because I like to swoop down and eat dirty grains off the sidewalk
b) the car in Monopoly, because I look all shiny but I can’t actually take you anywhere
c) the Queen of spades, because I bring death and destruction in my wake wherever I…uhh, this isn’t selling me very well, is it?
338) Which of the following is your favourite use of the phrase “perfect storm?”
a) “It was the perfect storm of hair care products that inevitably lead to bringing the big three automakers to their knees.”
b) “It was the perfect storm of aardvark sniffing race car enthusiasts.”
c) “It was the perfect storm of perfect storms.”
d) other
339) According to Tom DeLay there’s nothing wrong with dioxin – in fact, it’s good for you. How do you think he would react if he was asked to drink something laced with dioxin?
a) he would send the suggestion to committee, where it would die a slow and painful death
b) he would have you arrested on suspicion of terrorism
c) he would chug it proudly, safe in the knowledge that god is all the science anybody needs to know
340) According to President Bush, “Nobody ever anticipated a breach of the levees!” Who actually did anticipate a breach of New Orleans’ levees?
a) the Army Corps of Engineers
b) The New Orleans Times-Picayune
c) Bill, a blind man whose seeing eye dog has no sense of smell, who spends most of his days wandering up and down Canal Street muttering about how high energy prices are giving his seeing eye dog gas