261) The American Army can’t find 56 airplanes, 32 tanks and 36 Javelin missile command launch-units. Thirty-six Javelin missile command launch-units! What could anybody possibly want with 36 Javelin missile command launch-units?
a) somebody probably mistook them for new X-Boxes
b) they make great flower pots
c) they were taken by the committee to get the 2016 summer Olympic games for Baghdad – they’re badly underfunded and more than a little confused
262) According to Tamara Mellon, president and co-founder of Jimmy Choo, what is the most important part of wearing a white shoe?
a) the agility to avoid the fashionistas lunging at you with their shrimp forks
b) remembering to hold the solder in place for at least 10 seconds before testing the joint
c) painting it black
263) Partis Quebecois leader Bernard Landry received the support of 76.2 per cent of delegates in a confidence vote at a recent party convention. Why, despite this, did he resign?
a) he wanted to pursue his dream of dominating the international ballroom dancing scene
b) he thought he was actually volunteering to go to the corner Metro and get Slurpees for all of the delegates (imagine his surprise…!)
c) he’s tired, and it’s not a good kind of tired
d) he was wearing white shoes
264) Some people have suggested that, instead of an “opt out” list of people who do not want to be called by telephone solicitors, there should be an “opt in” list of people who do want to be called by telemarketers. If this is established, what’s next?
a) a “do force me to watch a six hour Two and a Half Men marathon” list
b) a “do make me talk about the benefits of private health care at an NDP convention” list
c) a “do hit me on the head with a two by four until I think that eating raw sewage is a good idea” list
265) “We’re dealing with a real redneck government. They’re fuckin’ barrel-suckers, they are just in love with guns…” Who said this, and who were they talking about?
a) Chemical Ali about George W. Bush
b) George W. Bush about Saddam Hussein
c) Saddam Hussein about Ontario’s Conservative Harris government
266) According to a recent survey, one in four Americans has a mental illness, which likely makes the country number one in the world. What do you think of that?
a) they are so damn competitive! I think our government needs to have more Gomery inquiries – if they drive enough Canadians insane, we can beat those smug Americans!
b) I think mental illness is a serious topic, and I am very disappointed in you, not so young man, for making light of it
c) I know what you want me to say. You want me to say that this explains their politics. Well, you know, I’m not going to say that, so don’t hold your breath!
267) For the 14th time, an American challenge of the Canadian Wheat Board in an international trade forum has failed. Yet, the North Dakota Wheat Commission is determined to plow ahead with another one. Do you have to admire this determination?
a) absolutely. Imagine what the wheat farmers could accomplish if they put this kind of effort into weaning themselves off of government subsidies and actually competing in international markets…
b) no. This is the same kind of determination that has kept That Seventies Show on the air for so long, so very, very long…
c) 14 challenges? That’s nothing? My mother challenged her marriage to my father practically every second day. Wait til they get to 2,047, then I’ll be impressed!
268) At the annual White House press debutantes ball and cotillion, First Lady Laura Bush made a very unlady-like joke about President Bush’s lack of farm experience, saying he wanted to milk a cow, but he got hold of a horse instead. Why isn’t the religious right up in arms about the sexual implications of Laura’s comments?
a) they don’t read newspapers, so they haven’t heard the joke
b) they didn’t get the joke
c) they don’t realize that the joke is on them
269) Who is Nina Grewel?
a) the wind whispering in the willows, the half-seen shadow that disappears the moment you turn your head, the good movie that never found an audience…
b) lead singer for The Pixies
c) wasn’t she a fictional Member of Parliament on some CBC show nobody ever watched?
270) Why did Vice President Dick Cheney spend so much time at the Pentagon in the months preceding the Iraq war?
a) the coffee there is just so much better than at the White House
b) he desperately needed a break from watching President Bush arm wrestle Condoleezza Rice, especially because it was obvious she was letting him win
c) the first journalist to suggest he was putting pressure on the intelligence community to find evidence to make the case for going to war against Iraq will lose his job and quite possibly be invited to a Guantanamo Bay slumber party…
271) How many Chinese spies does it take to watch a Falun Gong member in Canada?
a) 1,000 – one to watch the Falun Gong member and 999 to make the harassing phone calls
b) 1,000 – one to watch the Falun Gong member and 999 to convince the Canadian government that they’re really an acrobatic troupe
c) none – the information about the Chinese spies in Canada came from a distant relative of Achmed Halabi
272) What’s the best reason for supporting Live 8?
a) it keeps Bob Geldof from attempting a Boomtown rats reunion
b) Celine Dion will stay in Vegas
c) it keeps Motley Crue fans off the street
273) What’s the best reason for not supporting Live 8?
a) it keeps Bob Geldof on TV talking about things people don’t want to hear about
b) Philadelphia…London…Tokyo…Rome…Paris…Barrie?
c) we’ve seen how well the original Live Aid eliminated poverty in developing nations
274) Robert Novak outed Valerie Plame as a CIA agent, yet Judith Miller and Matthew Cooper, two reporters nobody has ever heard of, are being forced to reveal their sources on the subject to the courts. Why?
a) nobody wants to challenge Novak’s eyebrows. Seriously. Would you want to take on Robert Novak’s eyebrows?
b) Novak’s on TV, Miller and Cooper aren’t – do I have to draw you an electronic map?
c) I resent the assumption in your question – there’s a guy in Davis Inlet who has heard of both Judith Miller and Matthew Cooper…they were a famous Vaudeville couple who had a brief, unmemorable career on radio
275) According to American Vice President Dick Cheney, the Iraqi insurgency is in its last throes. What exactly are throes?
a) a rare breed of penguin not ordinarily found in desert climates. Shipping of the birds to Baghdad has been halted due to the country’s uncertain political climate, cutting off a source of amusement for the war-weary populace
b) a move in wrestling not often used by Iraqi insurgents, who avoid hand to hand combat whenever possible
c) an archaic version of the word “through” that only backwards English speakers use
276) What is keraunopathology?
a) a recently discovered song by Syd Barrett
b) a completely made up disease that sounds really good when thrown into a conversation by Hugh Laurie on House
c) an illness that only strikes people named Keiran
277) According to the US Supreme Court, local governments may use the power of eminent domain to confiscate private homes and turn them over to private developers, who will make more profitable use of them and thereby return more tax dollars to the government. Which of the following businesses won’t governments expropriate private property for?
a) big box fishing equipment stores
b) meat packing plants
c) nuclear waste dumps
d) none of the above…scary, isn’t it?
278) What ever happened to the sanctity of private property, anyway?
a) it took a vacation in Aruba and decided it liked the weather so much that it wouldn’t come back
b) it’s been downgraded to junk bond status by Standard & Poops
c) first back-tracking on deficits, now this – I guess Conservatives are more flexible than we thought…
279) Match the short designation of a French cheese with its longer description.
a) Butyric
b) Sweaty
c) Fermented
i) sour, stale, somewhat cheesy aromatics reminiscent of perspiration-generated foot odor, found in unwashed gym socks and shoes
ii) combination of sour aromatics associated with green vegetation, sauerkraut, soured hay or composted grass
iii) an aromatic that is sour and cheesy, reminiscent of baby vomit
280) What’s the best thing about owning a $1.2 million RV that protects riders from biological and chemical attacks?
a) you won’t have to worry about those annoying stink bombs when you take your kids to school
b) you’ll never have to breath the air coming out of your exhaust
c) you’ll pretty much always get your way at the PTA