TO: Secretary of Defense
FROM: DEA
SUBJECT: How about those Red Sox?
Don,
The Red Sox haven’t won since Babe Ruth was more than the name of a candy bar – you sure you still want to take them this season? My Yankees are going to kick their asses!
Bill,
PS: I see you’re getting your war in Afghanistan. Congratulations. Just do me a favour and make sure the warlords don’t get back in power. If they start ramping up poppy production, well, that’s a headache I’d rather not have to think about. Thanks.
TO: DEA
FROM: Secretary of Defense
SUBJECT: RE: How about those Red Sox?
Bill,
You bet I’m taking the Red Sox! This is their year – make no mistake! Your Yankees are going down – and the entire country will be thanking us!
Don
PS: Don’t worry about this Afghanistan thing. We’ll be going in with so much firepower, the Taliban and the warlords won’t know what hit them! Besides, the people will be greeting us with open arms, and once we install a civilian government, they’ll make sure the opium trade doesn’t return to the country. I got your back covered!
TO: Secretary of Defense
FROM: DEA
SUBJECT: You Sure You Have Enough Manpower?
Don,
I believe in the war on terror as much as the next government agent, but I can’t help but wonder if you’re committing enough manpower to do the job properly. It’s not enough to secure the capital; if you don’t secure the countryside, you could end up causing serious problems for us. Are you on top of this?
Bill
TO: DEA
FROM: Secretary of Defense
SUBJECT: RE: You Sure You Have Enough Manpower?
Bill,
Considering that the war on drugs has been dragging on for decades with no sign of success, I’m not sure that you’re the best person to judge how much manpower I need to get the job done in Afghanistan. 😉
As it happens, I believe that a massive aerial bombardment will soften all of the major targets so that we need not deploy as many troops as conventional wisdom and past practice would suggest. Trust me. I know what I’m doing.
Don
TO: Secretary of Defense
FROM: DEA
SUBJECT: RE: You Sure You Have Enough Manpower?
Don,
Sure, make jokes about our history of fighting the drug war, but at least we have experience fighting a war. Trust you, you know what you’re doing? Yeah, right.
Congratulations on capturing Kabul. Do you plan on controlling any of the other areas of Afghanistan any time soon? Because, you know, I’m getting reports that Afghani warlords are taking over vast sections of the country, and the poppy trade is exploding.
Bill
TO: DEA
FROM: Secretary of Defense
SUBJECT: Don’t Have Time To Respond
Bill,
Sorry I can’t respond in more detail to your latest email, but, as you know, we are now taking the war on terror to Saddam Hussein. Not to worry, though – we haven’t forgotten about Afghanistan. There will be a constitution and democratic elections in due course. I’m sure you’ll agree that our war in Afghanistan has been a great success.
Don
TO: Secretary of Defense
FROM: DEA
SUBJECT: RE: Don’t Have Time To Respond
Don,
Are you insane? The warlords are in control of Afghanistan and heroin production has increased tenfold! We’re seeing our first Americans state-side dying from overdosing the new shit that’s coming out of the country! This is a fucking disaster!
Bill
TO: DEA
FROM: Secretary of Defense
SUBJECT: RE: Don’t Have Time To Respond
Bill,
You know, there are intended consequences and unintended consequences to any course of action. I could get hit by a car while crossing the street. Does that mean I should never leave my house? What if I have to walk my dog? Can’t keep Wolfie in the house because I’m afraid of getting hit by a car while crossing the street. See my point? You do what you think is best and, when unintended consequences arise, you simply deal with them.
I’d love to deal with the problems you perceive are occurring in Afghanistan, but, as you may have noticed, there’s a Baathist insurgency taking place in Iraq right now. Nothing we can’t handle – just a few hardline Saddam loyalists who don’t want to see a democratic Iraq. Still, we need to focus on this.
Don
TO: Secretary of Defense
FROM: DEA
SUBJECT: [none]
We’re going to have to pull agents off details in Latin America to interdict the heroin coming into the country, not to mention infiltrating the organizations in the country distributing the shit.
Thanks for nothing, asshole.
TO: DEA
FROM: Secretary of Defense
SUBJECT: RE: [none]
Bill,
Interagency cooperation is the hallmark of an effective government. Glad I could be of assistance.
Don
PS: How about those Red Sox winning the World Series? You can pay up next time we run into each other in the Pentagon.