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Sharia and Sharia Alike
A Catholic, an Orthodox Jew and a Muslim walk into a court. The Catholic says he wants an annulment of his marriage according to the teachings of the Church. The judge says okay, off you go. The Jew says he wants a divorce from his wife according to ancient Orthodox customs. The judge says it sounds reasonable, go right ahead. The Muslim says he wants a divorce from his wife according to Sharia law. The judge says his religion oppresses women, and if he wants a divorce he will have to get one through the civil system.
The Muslim asks why the Catholic and Jew were allowed to apply their religious system to their divorces. “It strengthens Canada’s cultural fabric if ethnic and religious groups can, within our laws, apply their own systems of justice,” the judge answers.
But, why not allow me to practice mine, the Muslim reasonably asks. “Because Muslims were responsible for 9/11,” the judge tells him.
Is it really so hard to understand why Muslims aren’t thrilled with many western nations these days?
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=268&dir=bb
Hype Springs Eternal
Note to subscribers: Don’t believe what you’ve heard. The National Whipping Post is still a national newspaper. Just because we will no longer be printing copies in St. John’s, and Newfoundland subscribers will have to get their newspapers by email, we have in no way abandoned our commitment to be a national newspaper. In fact…in fact, we will email copies to Canadian residents of Togo, Brunei, Madagascar and any other small nation, with an even greater discount if the country is a member of the coalition of the willing in Iraq. The National Whipping Post will, in fact, be Canada’s first international newspaper.
Yeah. Yeah. And, we’ll publish every other issue in 3-D, and we’ll predict the news for the coming week in our weekend edition, and…and…
God, we need help, don’t we?
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
That’s News To Them
7:00 pm. NewsFlow. Alternative Reality News Network (ARNN). Sean Penn reports from Tehran on the Iranian elections. David Schwimmer has an update on the British memo that indicates the White House planned on invading Iraq while claiming it was willing to work with the United Nations to avoid war. Teller mimes a report on the latest tensions between the US and North Korea on that country’s nuclear intentions.
8:00 pm. Hardball with Nicole Ritchie. ARNN. Former Secretary of State Colin Powell talks about life in the Bush administration, and why he’s happier raising porcupines.
9:00 pm. Special Report. ARNN. Goldie Hawn hosts an hour-long investigation of the globalization of capital which focuses on sweatshops and other human rights issues in the next global superpower, China.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
Who Says Theological Debates Are Dead?
An Israeli researcher claims that Jesus did not die of blood loss, as many Christians believe, but actually died of a blood clot. Writing in The Journal of Thrombosis and Haemostasis (the issue with Freddy Kreuger in the centerfold), Professor Benjamin Brenner argued that many people who were crucified died of pulmonary embolisms.
“Did he see The Passion of The Christ? Because if he did, he would know that Jesus didn’t just lose blood during the scourging, he lost three quarters of his skin,” argued Billy-Bob, a graduate student in the I’ll Disagree With Anything programme of the University of Get Out Of My Face in Texas. “Man, the thing they put on the cross was a skeleton! It was like something out of Jason and the Freaking Argonauts! Kiss my pulmonary embolism, egghead!”
SOURCE: Unicycle
http://www.unicycle.com/new.php?p=articles&id=265&but=allis1
He’s Bad. He’s Nationwad.
Vice President Dick Cheney, reacting to a growing chorus of calls to close the US prison at Guantanamo Bay where terrorism suspects are held, says there are no present plans to do so. “The important thing here to understand is that the people that are at Guantanamo are bad people,” he said.
“Of course,” Cheney added, “those we’ve had to release because they didn’t actually do anything wrong were ‘bad’ in the Michael Jackson sense. You know, so bad, they’re good?” Cheney then started to moonwalk to make his point, but the journalists in the room had just come back from lunch and begged him to stop.
The Vice President also argued that the administration was acting within the law because the Constitution clearly states that “in order to form a more perfect union, the right to due process of the law is limited to good people.”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2005June10.html
Mo, Have You Been Taking Your Valium?
There’s more than a whiff of hypocrisy in the prurient reporting on Angelina Jolie’s love life. I mean, if a man talks about how many women he sleeps with, he gets a slap on the back and a place in the NBA hall of fame. Angelina mentions she has three lovers who satisfy her, and the knives come out. Are you afraid of strong, financially independent, sexy women who are in control of their sexuality, or do you just hate them outright?
Listen up, hypocritical assholes. Angelina Jolie is a freaking United Nations Ambassador! She’s actually doing something good in the world. You think all-American girl Jennifer Aniston is helping dying children in Africa? Sure, as soon as she can pry herself away from her publicists. That all-American girl shit has to be constantly monitored for quality control, you know.
Jeez, people, get a life.
SOURCE: Listen Up, Asshole