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The Daily Me Staff
“I’ll put the government out of its misery.”
– April 9 (Conservatives: 36%; Liberals: 25%)
“No, uhh, actually, I think I’d like to see the government suffer for another few months…”
– April 30 (Liberals: 33%; Conservatives: 31%)
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=011
It’s Good To Have Alternatives, Even If None Of Them Is Alternative
In a recent press opportunity, President Bush declared that America’s dependence on foreign energy sources – primarily oil – was bad for the country. One way to increase American production of energy? More nuclear power plants. And, if that didn’t work? Coal. The President stopped short of suggesting rubbing two sticks together, but maybe he was saving that for his next State of the Union Address.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/editorials/A49881-2005May01.html
Oh, Like You’ve Got A Better Approach?
From The John Bitove Guide to Meeting Babes:
STEP ONE: Become the Chief Executive Officer of a national franchise (like, say, Prizm Canadian Income Fund, which operates nearly 500 Kentucky Fried Chicken stores in Canada).
STEP TWO: Offend an internationally famous star (like, say, Pamela Anderson) with your business practices (let’s not say cruel and inhumane treatment of factory bred chickens).
STEP THREE: Invite the star to dinner to discuss your differences.
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/0809222cahs01.html
I Can’t Be Bothered To Write A Headline
Documents released in the heat of the British Parliamentary election indicate that the Blair government started planning to go to war with Iraq a good year before the war was actually declared. They did this because they felt the Bush administration was pushing for the war, which was odd considering that the Bush administration claimed it was willing to negotiate with Saddam Hussein right up to the time it started bombing his blah blah blah, this is old news, it’s time to move on people and who cares?
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2005/05/02/509747.html
Top nine things David Wilkins should know about Canada before he becomes the American ambassador:
9. Niagara Falls has changed a lot since he visited it 30 years ago. For one thing, the…uhh…that is to say…well, the Falls are a tenth of an inch closer to the American side of the border…
8. The British always liked us better.
7. Beaver jokes stopped being funny in the 1940s, except for teenagers in the suburbs, for whom they will be forever funny.
6. There are no igloos in Toronto – you start to see them in King City.
5. People in Montreal don’t really wear berets and read Sartre – that’s just for the tourists.
4. Canadians don’t like to be told how to act by foreigners; if you insist upon doing so, you can expect to read snide letters to the editor of at least one major newspaper.
3. Calgary isn’t the centre of the universe, although Albertans would like to think it is.
2. Canadians voted for John Kerry.
1. Canadians hate igloo jokes.
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/topnine
What Vanishing Celestial Body Will Get Men To Stop?
“If we get rid of the moon, women, whose menstrual cycles are governed by the moon, will not get PMS. They will stop bitching and whining.”
– Arnold Schwarzenegger, governor of California
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml
Bastard’s Political Career’s Harder To Kill Than Jason
Achmed Chalabi, embezzler, liar on the subject of Saddam Hussein’s weapons programmes, leaker of classified information to Iran and foremost modern interpreter of Alvin Ailey dance routines, has been chosen to become Deputy Prime Minister and acting Oil Minister of Iraq.
No wonder the Americans resisted democratic elections in that country for so long.
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
Oh, Take A Tums And Get Over It
Conservatives are livid that the Liberal Party has cut a deal with the New Democrats that would see an increase in spending on health care and cities. They claim that this sets a terrible precedent and will undermine respect for politics in Canada.
“How dare the NDP force the Liberals to fulfill their election promises!” Conservative Leader Stephen Harper fumed. “I just promised to fully commit my party to maintaining the public health care system and spend billions on a child care programme – can you imagine what would happen if I actually had to live up to those promises! Oh, my lord, my lord! Hunh hunh…can’t…breath…must…slow down…rapidly beating heart…”
SOURCE: Festerin’ Report
http://www.ax2grindnet.com/festerinreport/web/news3.html
By all accounts, the hit of this year’s White House Correspondents Association dinner was First Lady Laura Bush. You know what the White House Correspondents Association dinner is – journalists pretend they have an adversarial relationship with the administration so that they can pretend to set aside their differences for an evening.
And, what’s with the First Lady upstaging the President? Has she forgotten her place? Looks like somebody’s gonna burn in Hell for this little bit of “fun.”
SOURCE: The Arad Post
http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1012321598225
News Is…What You Read In A Newspaper
The Globe and Mail ran a series of articles on the conclusion of World War II, redefining news as something that happened 60 years ago. And the newspaper’s publisher wonders why its average reader is 80 years old…
SOURCE: Wryerson Journalism Review
http://www.wryerson.ca/wrj/online/sacco-vanzetti2.html
Can’t Argue With Illogic Like That
A report on an incident in Iraq in which American soldiers killed an Italian intelligence agent and wounded the journalist he had just released from Iraqi captors has gotten mixed reviews.
ITALIAN FINDINGS: Nervous, poorly trained American soldiers guarding a haphazardly constructed and policed roadblock accidentally shot at the Italians.
AMERICAN FINDINGS: Oops. Did we do that? We didn’t mean to do anything wrong. So, we didn’t do anything wrong.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20050502.eladvote0502_@/BNStory/newsItalians/
One Prime Time Programme That’s Worth Getting Out Of Bed For
9:00 pm. No, 8:00 pm. Uh uh, 7:15 pm. Nope, 3:00 pm. Oh, don’t you know it’s sweeps week? Let’s just say 3:00 am and be done with it! ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox. President Bush’s Press Conference. It’s only the fourth occasion in his time in office that the President has scheduled a press conference in prime time, so you’ll want to, uhh, get up early in the morning for it!
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide