Thank you, Rudy Marquart, for signing up for The Daily Me. We know that many of our readers are defecting to the My Hourly News Web service. Aside from being inferior to The Daily Me, with our painstakingly filled out profile (does My Hourly News demand pain when you fill out their profile? As much as we do? We find that hard to believe…) and weighted probability algorithms (much heavier than their weighted probability algorithms, we can assure you of that), we’ve got to wonder just who would need their news updated hourly? Honestly – do they not have lives?
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Satan Is Also Discussing His Options With His Legal Staff
In an article in a previous issue, we wrote that Conrad, Lord Black of Crosstalk, should “file down his horns to make it less obvious that he is the direct spawn of Satan.” This was obviously not meant to be taken literally, and we apologize to any of our readers, and particularly Lord Black, who may have taken our little joke seriously.
The article was satire. S-A-T-I-R-E. Black claimed that the article had brought him “hatred, ridicule and contempt.” We cannot speak for the hatred part – we suspect that has been part of his life for many years – but we will allow that the article contained both ridicule and contempt. That’s what satire is. Only an uneducated moron doesn’t understand how satire works. And only a bigger moron leads such a public life expecting not to be the subject of satirical attack.
Uhh, if we apologize for the previous paragraph now, will we be able to avoid a lawsuit?
SOURCE: Toronto High Life
Hunter S. Thompson, creator of “gonzo” journalism, has shot and killed himself, ending a mercurial literary career. On the upside, if all of his imitators follow his lead, the world will be spared lot of bad writing.
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
If Canada joins the American missile defense plan:
UNITED STATES: We’re launching our defenses to stop incoming missiles over Canada.
CANADA: Well, I think –
UNITED STATES: Thanks for your input, but we don’t have time for any more consultations. We have incoming missiles to stop!
If Canada doesn’t join the American missile defense plan:
UNITED STATES: We’re launching our defenses to stop incoming missiles over Canada.
CANADA: Well, I think –
UNITED STATES: Thanks for your input, but we don’t have to consult with you. And, we have incoming missiles to stop!
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
The primates of the world Anglican Communion rebuked the American and Canadian churches for their acceptance of homosexuality. In response, Koko the ape signed: “Don’t look at me. They’re not part of my species.”
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
I’m Telling You, The Boy Just Don’t Listen To Himself When He Talks
“This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply ridiculous. Having said that, all options are on the table.”
– US President George W. Bush
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
They’re at it again. A headline in The Toronto Star read: “Shun IRA for peace.” What? I’m not peaceful enough? The newspaper wants me to lose all my friends? How do they think losing all my friends is going to make me more peaceful? Just thinking about it makes me want to strangle the bastards!
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
The Words Are Right, But Oh, That Tune…
Toronto police chief Julian Fantino has called a show on Ryerson radio station CKLN “hate mongering.” The weekly show, Bad Cop, No Donut, focuses on exposing police abuse of power throughout North America. Fantino believes that this represents “systemic abuse” of a “visible minority -” people who wear the uniform of law enforcement – by creating a “hostile environment” for them to work in.
Hmm…I sense Fantino hasn’t quite learned the right lesson from the force’s cultural sensitivity training…
SOURCE: aye Weakly
The War On Terror Has Been Extended To Include The Terrible Twos
Raising Children the Military Way
by Donald Rumsfeld
Gamorrah, Utah: Spare the Rod Press
hard, hardcover price: $39.95
One might think that imprisoning Canadian citizen Omar Khadr in Guantanamo Bay at the age of 15 would be unthinkable. After all, subjecting a child to torture is illegal, immoral and perhaps, under certain circumstances, quite fattening.
However, Donald Rumsfeld sets us straight in the book Raising Children the Military Way. You see, tough love no longer works after 9/11, so the next step in disciplining wayward youngsters is “brutal prison love.” Your son abusing his car privileges? Strip him naked and have him pose for sexually explicit photographs! Your daughter breaking curfew? Let her sleep in his own urine and feces for a few nights! They’ll come around in no time!
Social conservatives must be in heaven.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
The Road To Hell Is Paved With Sexual Innuendo
WORKER: Mmmmmm…you have a question, sweetie?
CALLER: Uhh, yeah. I need to know what the conditions are on the Athabaska Highway.
WORKER: Smoooooooooth.
CALLER: I heard there was going to be some snow overnight. Wouldn’t that make driving conditions rough?
WORKER: You like it rough, sugar?
CALLER: No, that’s not –
WORKER: Go too fast on the Highway, and you could be asking for punishment.
CALLER: I mean, won’t the snow make driving dangerous?
WORKER: Oooh, baby, you just said the magic word.
CALLER: Uhh, is this the BC Road Conditions Hotline?
WORKER: No. It’s Heather’s Hot Lines and Crosses.
CALLER: Oh. (pause) How smooth did you say conditions were?
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
This Time, It’s, Uhh, Really Personal
What is it with The Toronto Star? Now, they have a headline that reads: “Friends of IRA no more.” Heck, with headlines like this, they’ve never actually been my friends. Good riddance, I say.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
Specialty Programming Gone Amok
10 pm
Hot Redhead Pregnant Boinking Mamas Network. Newswatch. While boinking, hot redhead pregnant mamas give the headlines of the day.
Petite Gothic Streetwalking Sex Stars Network. Today’s Headlines. While having sex, petite gothic streetwalking stars read the news of the day.
CBC NewsWorld. The National. Peter Mansbridge reads the news of the day with his jacket unbuttoned.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide