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The Daily Me Staff
Too Much Focusing Will Cause You To Go Blind
Cartoon character SpongeBob SquarePants is coming under fire from Focus on the Family’s James C. Dobson for appearing in a video that, while it doesn’t refer to homosexuals explicitly, calls for tolerance for all people. “Why don’t they pick on somebody their own size?” complained a muppet who would only allow himself to be identified as Ernie. “Or, for that matter, why don’t they pick on someone their own species?” In a televised press conference, Tinky Winky said something incomprehensible, which either translates into, “Horsefish Andromeda undergoing serious platitudinous adumbrations” or, “You’d think they would tire of making fools of themselves,” depending upon whether you are using the Standard or Revised Teletubbie dictionary.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
Is It Possible To Need Election Reform Before Holding Your First Election?
Thanks to lax monitoring, it is possible that funding for the campaigns of some of the candidates in the upcoming Iraqi election will come from questionably legal sources. Hmm…questionable campaign funds… You know, I may have been too cynical about the Iraqi election. Apparently, it’s much closer to American-style democracy than I had imagined.
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
Good Thing Jay’s Not The Jealous Type
Johnny Carson died late last night. His death wasn’t exactly a surprise, however: in the past few days, David Letterman had been making jokes about “going into the light.”
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
Some People Just Don’t Understand What Tourism Is All About
The Dover Lake Waterpark in Cleveland will change the name of its artificial wave pool from The Tsunami to The Moderately High But Not Terribly Dangerous Wave. A park official said, “We tried to get 80 foot waves, but our machines topped out at around 55. We just can’t compete with nature. So, we decided to change the name, instead.”
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
At Least There Are No Nihilists At Centre Ice
According to National Hockey League Chief Legal Officer Bill Daly, the league and the players have had fruitful talks, but have not been able to reach an agreement because they “continue to have a divide on the philosophical issue.” Apparently, the owners are logical positivists while the players are hedonistic existentialists, and neither side is willing to sign a contract until the issue of the meaning of existence has been settled.
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
Justice Is Served…With A Side of Potatoes And A White Wine Sauce
Canada has won its 327th decision at a dispute resolution panel of the World Trade Organization on the issue of American tariffs on Canadian lumber. “We hope this will finally convince the Americans to remove this unfair trade impediment,” Trade Minister Shecky Lalonde stated, “in time for us to sell them our three remaining trees.” American officials said they would immediately appeal the ruling.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
Somebody Is Enjoying This Way Too Much
Hello, he must be Goering. British Prince Harry is in a heil of a lot of trouble after wearing a Nazi officer’s uniform, complete with swastika (and what Nazi uniform is complete without a Swastika?) to a costume party. The Fuhrer in the press has raged for days. You could say that he will pay a heavy Holo-caust for his bad taste. And, rightly so. Nazi Germany is too serious to be dealt with in such a frivolous manner.
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
They Don’t Have To, As Long As They Get Enough Fibre In Their Diets
Late in December, American troops hunting for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq were ordered to call off the search and help with counter-insurgency efforts. “No they weren’t,” President George W. Bush insisted. “They’re still there, looking for weapons of mass destruction that they will find any day now.” Sure. Then, they’ll look for the headquarters of the tooth fairy. “Why?” the President asked. “Has the tooth fairy been arming Iraqi insurgents?”
Some people just don’t get irony.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
You Heard It Here First (And, Probably, Last…)
Nine trends to watch out for in the coming year:
9. Zucchini passengers for paper airplanes.
8. In the first quarter, the moon will be in Jupiter, so make sure impressionable children are indoors.
7. Recreational corporal punishment.
6. “Original” TV series featuring physically handicapped female psychics with bad dye jobs and dysfunctional families will appear on all major networks.
5. The stock market will continue its downward spin, but one bright spot will be the adult diaper industry.
4. The PS2 is the new anchovy.
3. Soccer moms and football dads will have confused children.
2. No films featuring Jude Law.
1. No weapons of mass destruction will continue to be found in Iraq.
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
Better Dead Than Red – Thirty Years Later
Rose Mary Woods, secretary of President Richard Nixon died yesterday. We’d like to say more about her, but there appears to be a 17 year gap in our records.
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
Dada Doo Doo For The New Millennium
Wireless messaging has changed the way we live, not always for the better. Now, people from disparate neighbourhoods who don’t even know each other can be brought together in one place and expose themselves to passersby, then disappear as quickly as they congregated. And, these so-called “flasher mobs” are only the beginning…
SOURCE: Computers Byte Magazine
Not If They Got Them From The CIA
At her confirmation hearings for US Attorney General, Condoleezza Rice referred to Cuba, Myanmar, North Korea, Iran, Belarus and Zimbabwe as “outposts of tyranny.” On the map of human evil, this places them slightly north of “backwaters of naughtiness” and several degrees west of “boondocks of badness.” North Korea and Iran seem to have been placed twice on this map, being two thirds of the “axis of evil,” but, then, is anybody really surprised that this administration has problems with geography?
SOURCE: The Postington Wash