Thank you, Svend Blorgjisun, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. We couldn’t help but notice that most of the articles that came up involved American or North American subjects even though you live in Fiji. Does nothing of note ever happen in Fiji? No crime? No corruption? No reality TV? And, if that really is the case, what is your immigration policy?
Sincerely,
The Daily Me Staff
Shades Of The Inquisition – Where “Hanging Out” Took On A Whole New Meaning
INFORMANT: Yeah. Yeah. I recognize him. I was in Montreal. It was a bar…no, wait, a bistro. Or something. Crazy French [EXPLETIVE DELETED]. Anyway, he was in the back, talking to Johnny “Three Fingers” Tremonti. Three Fingers was an enforcer for the Grenoble family. Mean son of a [EXPLETIVE DELETED] – you wouldn’t believe how those three fingers could manipulate a hay baler!
Informant’s response to being shown a photograph of former Liberal MP Alfonso Gagliano.
INFORMANT: Yeah. Yeah. I recognize him. It was in…New York. The Buena Sera club – it don’t exist no more. This would have been 1980…1981. He was talking to somebody in the Corleone family – I don’t have to tell ya how dirty they were!
Informant’s response to being shown a photograph of actor Marlon Brando.
INFORMANT: Yeah. Yeah. I recognize him. It was in India. 1953. You don’t forget a man who wears a diaper that easily, you know. It was in the back of the Sacred Bull – he was talking to somebody from the Al Machtada family – nasty, nasty people. Gunrunners. Terrible. I thought to myself: if this guy knows the Al Machtadas, he must be one scary [EXPLETIVE DELETED].
Informant’s response to being shown a photograph of Mohandas Gandhi.
AGENT’S NOTE: Serious allegations. Must be pursued.
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
Things You Do With Your Lips Other Than Lying
A lot of tut tutting in Washington yesterday as President George W. Bush smooched two of his cabinet nominees, Condoleezza Rice and Margaret Spellings. Obviously, they have forgotten the French kiss Bush gave Vice President Dick Cheney the day they first took office.
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
President Bush denounced the election in the Ukraine, which many observers believe was fraudulent. “Russia putting money into Viktor Yushchenko’s campaign and making its preference for him well known?” the President sneered. “Please! We’ve been doing that in Latin America since the 1950s! Intimidation of people protesting the election outcome? Hello! Does anybody remember the well organized spontaneous mob we paid for that blocked the recount in Florida in 2000? Second ballot voting too far out of line with first ballot voting? Hey! Didn’t we just have state votes that didn’t match up with exit polls? Really! If the Ukrainians are going to use our best ideas, the least they can do is give us some credit!”
The President is rumoured to be considering possibly putting corruption on the table at the World Trade Organization’s next round of copyright law negotiations.
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
The result of the attack on Fallujah has been an increase in insurgent attacks throughout central and northern Iraq, exactly the opposite of what it was supposed to achieve. Here’s an idea: why doesn’t Washington hold Opposite Day? For 24 hours, the government should determine what policy they want to follow, then do the opposite! Lord knows, the results can’t be any worse than what they’re already achieving.
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
One of the journalists being considered to replace retiring Dan Rather as anchor of CBS’ nightly news programme is Canadian J. D. “John” Roberts. Some feel that Roberts is the most likely candidate because he is the only one who has thrown up in the lap of Simon LeBon, lead singer of the pop group Duran Duran, in the back of a limousine during an interview. Others are not so sure. Still others say this is more proof that American journalism is, indeed, in sad, sad shape.
SOURCE: Wryerson Journalism Review
President George W. Bush meets…any foreign diplomat who isn’t embarrassed to be seen with him during the APEC summit in Chile.
You can tell a lot about a politician by his body language. For instance, a photograph of American President George W. Bush at the Apec summit shows him with his legs wide open. This means that he is either sexually available, or that he has spent far too much time riding horses.
SOURCE: Politics for Dummies
Games For People Who Should Know Better
Spliffy Peanut Butter is not just for kids! The next time you have the couple across the hall over for an evening of adult fun, why not try
The Lip Smacking Good Game
Requires:
– 4 jars of Spliffy Peanut Butter
– lots of naked flesh
Have one of the adults in the room take off all their clothes and smear peanut butter all over their body. Blindfold the rest of the adults in the room. Let the blindfolded people take turns guessing what part of the body they are licking the peanut butter off of. Take turns getting naked and being smeared with peanut butter. Continue until all of the jars of peanut butter are empty or an orgy breaks out.
CAUTION: it is highly recommended that the Lip Smacking Good Game be played with Spliffy Smooth and Spliffy Original Recipe peanut butter. Using Spliffy Crunchy Peanut Butter may lead to uncomfortable hickeys in unusual places on players’ bodies.
SOURCE: Spliffy
A group of Greek lawyers have threatened to sue Warner Brothers films and Oliver Stone over suggestions that Alexander the Great was bisexual in Stone’s latest film Alexander. Come on – what did they think made him great in the first place? There’s a very good reason he wasn’t called Alexander the Modest, I can tell you that! If they really want to be taken seriously, they should sue Stone for making such a boring film.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now