Thank you, Josef “Percolator” Herrera, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. After we gave our AI programme a Valium to calm it down, this is what it came up with.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Over 377 tons of explosives have gone missing from a site in Iraq during the American occupation of the country, despite the fact that the International Atomic Energy Agency warned the Americans that it could happen. “We’re not worried about a devastating attack using the missing armaments,” smarmed White House spokesweasel Scott McClelland. “I mean, everybody knows that there are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.”
Fox News is already preparing a report explaining why this statement is consistent with the White House’s position since President Bush took office. Dealing with reality is so much easier when you make it up as you go along, don’t you think?
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
It’s Not A Threat, But It’s Not Exactly A Promise, Either
YOU…have six days to live. We know. Your doctor has shown us your chart. You could spend your remaining days getting your affairs in order, possibly fixing broken relationships or settling your estate. Or, you could party your face off. Movies. Music. Theatre. Parties. It’s all in Six, the new Friday edition of the Glob and Maul‘s arts section. You have six days to live…make the most of them…by utterly wasting them.
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama
You Ever Read Stanislaw Lem’s The Futurological Congress?
Development is underway on a pill that could prevent or treat post-traumatic stress disorder. If successful, this pill would help soldiers cope with the horrors of battle.
If they really cared about public health, the pharmaceutical companies would be putting their resources into developing a pill that would stop politicians from sending soldiers into war in the first place. The market might not be large, but the world would be grateful.
SOURCE: The Amazing Chocolate Yummies Blog
Sucking Up, With An Emphasis On The Sucking Part
Hey, neighbour, how ya been?
We’d like ta tell ya when an American submarine
Has entered your territorial waters
But, frankly, we can’t be bothered
Ta fill out the form
Course if ya had your own submarine
Our maneuvers could be easily seen
In fact, if you had half a brain
You would help us our navy train
Even if it would your defence priorities deform
Don’t be shy! Don’t be skittish!
You can buy used subs from the British!
We can brook no delay, so
Do it because we say so
Unabashed subservience is the new international friendship norm
SOURCE: Hellmark Greeting Cards
When The Wolfowitzes Are At The Door, Run For The Vaseline!
“I had no idea what I was getting into. My agent said it was a public service spot for environmental protection. A bunch of wolves would laze around in a forest for a few moments, then approach the camera while the voice over narration talked about how our numbers were dwindling because our natural habitat was disappearing. I – that’s what I was down for.
“Imagine my surprise when I found out that we wolves were being compared to Osama bin Laden! I mean, I’m a pacifist, man. I’m a member of the ACLU. If I had known that my performance would be used to take a cheap shot at John Kerry – well, obviously, I’m gonna have to get a new agent!”
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
Naomi Klein and Avi Lewis have better lives than you do. They’re more admirably politically active than you are. They travel to better places, meet more interesting people and stay at fancier hotels than you do. They read more books than you do and get more enjoyment out of live theatre. They appear on the covers of magazines that are too hip for you to read. Let’s face it: they have better sex.
It’s okay to feel inadequate in their presence. In fact, if you aren’t Leonard Cohen or Justin Trudeau, it’s mandatory.
SOURCE: Saturday Night, Fevered
Good To See Someone Has A Workable Succession Plan
With Yasser Arafat in hospital in critical condition, some observers of Middle Eastern politics have begun to worry that his death will leave a vacuum in Palestinian leadership. “We’re not worried,” stated Israeli military expert Yuri Shoshono. “We’re prepared to isolate and marginalize whoever takes over from Arafat.”
SOURCE: The Arad Post
Alberta Premier Ralph Klein, despite having made fun of disabled people and saying he suspects some of them of abusing their assistance program, is expected to coast to an easy win in the current election. “That’s our Ralph,” a typical Alberta voter stated. “You gotta love his spontaneity.”
Knowing a bad thing when he saw it, NDP leader Brian Mason said there were too many harp seals and that, if elected, he would personally go north to lead the kill himself. Soon after, Ralph Klein’s lead in the polls increased. “What? Is he a moron?” the typical Alberta voted responded. Mason was recently reported to have been seen banging his head against a wall muttering, “How does he get away with this shit? How does he get away with this shit?”
SOURCE: Festerin’ Report
I Just Watch It For The Protest Clips
At the Picket Lines: Conrad Black gives a big thumbs down to Roger Ebert’s performance as a labour supporter.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
The Trough…The Killing Floor – It’s Such A Fine Line For Swine
Pork producers are protesting the introduction of strict new regulations for the disposal of waste from slaughterhouses. “If this legislation is allowed to pass,” decried industry representative Hans Orff, “it will drive the slaughterhouses underground, where unscrupulous foreign terrorists will be able to easily poison the country’s bacon supply.”
Prompted for a response, Democratic Congressman Ted Kennedy said, “Ask me again when you’ve returned from Wonderland.”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash