Thank you, Andre the Wee Person, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we wondered what the world would have been like if Tom Cruise had been born with an outie navel instead of his highly photogenic innie. We’re the kind of people who can wonder about such things for days, teasing out connections, hunting for corroborative clues and generally wasting time unproductively. What can we say? It’s a gift. Unfortunately, we had an intern who – no, the fact that we had an intern was not the unfortunate part: somebody has to do the work while we’re wondering – we had an intern whose father had given her a Home Universe GeneratorTM for her 16th birthday, and she diligently discovered that the only difference between such a world and our world is that corn kernels were used as rifle ammunition.
Thanks, Traci! Thanks a ton!
Not to be denied, we got our curiosity caps on and wondered what the world would be like if cement was pink. Apparently, the same, except elephants would use it as chewing gum. Okay, but what would the world be like if hand lotion was used as an auto lubricant? The same, except women would on average be taller than men? Really? We rolled up our sleeves; our wondering would not be denied! We wondered what the world would have been like if Elon Musk was a fungus. This time, we protected our wondering by not telling that meddlesome Traci! Unfortunately, we also have access to a Home Universe GeneratorTM, and curiosity got the better of us…
*SIGH*! What they say is true: technology kills wonder!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Did You Think You Had Died And Were Booked For Jimmy Kimmel?
INT. BURN IN HELL WITH GEORGE WALLACE SET – ETERNAL NIGHT
George Wallace is sitting behind his desk, shuffling charred index cards.
GEORGE WALLACE: …and it took the emergency room doctor seven hours to remove the policeman’s baton from his ass!
SOUND: audience moans, only one or two people laughing.
WALLACE: (continuing, growls) You know I go golfing with Satan, right? And the testicles we use as balls don’t come from no sheep!
SOUND: much more enthusiastic laughter.
WALLACE: (continuing, mutters) Every night I have to do that. Don’t you idiots ever learn? (louder) Okay, it’s time to bring on my first guest. You may know him as the longest serving Republican as House Speaker. I know and love him as a confessed sexual abuser. Please give a warm welcome to Dennis Hastert!
SOUND: enthusiastic applause. DENNIS HASTERT appears from behind the curtain and walks over to the burning couch, sitting with a heavy *THUD*!
DENNIS HASTERT: Mmm…toasty.
WALLACE: We get that a lot.
HASTERT: You know, I was a pretty damn good speaker… Did you have to introduce me by referring to the sex stuff?
WALLACE: You have a problem with that? I think it’s your most admirable quality!
HASTERT: (flustered) Oh, really? Well, ah, thanks? (pause) But you know, ever since I got here, I noticed that there are no children. Where are all the children?
WALLACE: There are no children here.
HASTERT: There are no children here‽
WALLACE: The powers that be claim that children are “innocent.” Now, you and I know that children have evil tendencies that have to be beat out of them before they become adults, but that’s a decision above my pay grade.
HASTERT: No children‽ How am I supposed to stay in a place with no children for eternity‽ This place is hell!
Wallace shrugs meaningfully at the camera.
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/icanhastertcheezburger.shtml]
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Do You Mean All This Time THE BOURBON HAS BEEN A LIE‽
“Wild turkeys have returned to Toronto, a century after being wiped out in Ontario”
– Toronto Star
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1084555480]
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If You Use Popcorn Perfume, Don’t Be Surprised If Somebody Who Has Just Smoked A Joint And Has The Munchies Follows You Home
In a recent poll, 37 per cent of people said they would wear perfume that smelled like popcorn. 27 per cent of respondents said they would sprinkle popcorn perfume on popcorn. 17 per cent said they would drink popcorn perfume. The remainder said they were suddenly hungry for some reason and refused to answer the question because they wanted to get something to eat.
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/110711/geeklynews/01fashionistashahaha.htm]
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What Rhymes With Complicity?
Other Than Duplicity?
And Toxicity?
Ooh – I’m Already Halfway To A Song!
“I hate politics. Like, despise them. It’s a magic trick. It’s not real. I don’t believe in either side. Because I think when you pick a side, you are inadvertently supporting division.”
– musician Pharrell Williams
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
[http://endingtrending.blurgh/not-neutrality-thats-for-sure/]
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Making The Moral High Ground Out Of A Molehill
1 Palestinian is too many) What do you shout across the street at Palestinians who are participating in a silent vigil for their friends and relatives who have been killed by the Israeli military in Gaza?
a) “Hamas started it!”
b) “They were all Hamas agents! Okay, maybe not the babies, but they would have grown up to be Hamas agents, so killing them was self-defense!”
c) “We’re not going to let you commit a Jewish genocide!” (The “we’re going to genocide you first!” was implied)
one Palestinian is 2 many) What do you blast over your speakers at the protesters as the kneel in prayer at the end of the vigil?
a) the Israeli national anthem
b) audio of bombs exploding
c) audio of bombs exploding and the crying and moaning of the victims
3rd time is a Voodoo charm) What do you shout across the street at a protester wearing a “Jews Say No to Genocide” t-shirt?
a) “You’re not a real Jew!”
b) “Okay, maybe you really are a Jew, but some people shouldn’t be Jewish!”
c) “Okay, maybe it’s not for me to say who gets to be Jewish, but you’re a traitor, a capo!” (Said, unironically, by somebody who enjoys the support of modern Nazis)
d) “It’s not a genocide! It’s an invitation to voluntarily immigrate somewhere else under threat of death!”
4 the love of all that is good and right in the world) Given all of this, how do Zionists claim the moral high ground?
a) by arguing they’ve lived in the moral high ground continuously for thousands of years, so by rights it’s theirs
b) by bombing the inhabitants of the moral high ground into submission
c) by making the moral high ground completely uninhabitable by anybody else and taking it over once everybody else has left
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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