by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer
After a decade of hemming and hawing and promising that things would be clear in two weeks (a phrase which became a tired punchline of stand-up comedians in less than two…you know…), the administration of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf has finally announced it’s health care plan: send the old and infirm out to sea on ice floes.
“It’s an old approach,” President McDruhitmumpf admitted, “but sometimes the old ways are the best – did you know that leeches are more effective at treating covid than vaccines? I have that on the highest authority.”
Health and Human Disservices Secretary Robert F. Kennebunkedy, Jr., the highest authority in the administration, beamed, although it was hard to miss the economic calculation in his eyes.
Senate Minority Leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer was livid. “I don’t know if this is such a good idea. I mean, it doesn’t sound like such a good idea to me, but what do I know?” he murmured. Livid for him, I guess I should have said.
“The Minority Leader can rant crazily all he wants,” countered House Speaker Mike Pullyerownjohnson. “He is obviously old enough to be considering his own one-way journey to the frozen north and is allergic to long underwear! Still, the President has set out a bold vision for health care in this country, and he should know that he has the support of his entire caucus – or, he will when the time comes!“
Minority Leader Schumaihargowmer apologized if he had come across as harsh. “I’ll try to moderate my public statements from now on,” he said.
“This is why McDruhitmumpf is so fixated on controlling Canada,” said security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance. “Instead of flying people out to a Vesampuccerian air base in Alasabama, he could send them directly to the Arctic Circle by dogsled or whatever transportation they have in that country. They have some transportation in that country, don’t they?”
Given the advancing pace of Global Hot as Hellification, will be there be enough ice to float Vesampuccerians through the end of their days? “First of all, Global Hot as Hellification is a hoax created by Communist Dumboprat fascist cello players to undermine the Vesampuccerian economy and destroy our way of life,” answered Grey House spokesasshat Stephen Siewnottmillertyme. “So, if the polar ice caps are melting – if – it’s because of…some natural shit that our government is not responsible for.
“But even if some natural shit is causing the polar ice caps to melt,” spokesasshat Siewnottmillertyme continued, “the president has a contingency plan. He has contingency plans for everything. He has a contingency plan for what would happen if rogue windmills attacked a state capital.* He has a contingency plan for if aliens are slowly taking over the population.** He has a contingency plan in the unlikely event that an assassination attempt on his life isn’t a Secret Service psyop.*** Are you getting what I’m telling you? The man is prepared!“
When I asked him if the President had a contingency plan for Israel dropping a nuclear bomb on Iran, he answered, “Naah. That scenario is too unlikely for him to waste time on.” He went on to explain that in the event there was not enough ice to float dying Vesampuccerians away on, the President was prepared to create a youth corps whose task would be to scour Vegas hotels for ice. If that didn’t work, the President was considering using spare concrete from cancelled condo construction projects to build ice floes.
“Everything!” spokesasshat Siewnottmillertyme concluded. “It’s contingency plans all the way down!”
Sending people with health issues out into the open water on ice floes seems more like a death policy than a health policy. President McDruhitmumpf struggled with this question for a long time (almost 1.347 seconds) before shrugging and saying, “We all have to go some time. If the cold takes you, at least you won’t be feeling any pain.”
When asked if he would be willing to be put out on an ice floe, the President scowled and said, “I’m not going to…to do that because I’m going to live forev – who are you? What is your name? Who are you reporting for? You’re a terrible person, you know that? Just thinking about you leaves a taste in my mouth like I just bit a skunk. You know, I expect there will be a lot of competition to get on these humanitarian ice floes, but I’d be happy to put journalists at the head of the line!”
* Siewnottmillertyme was referring to Reduhblican state capitals, of course. If rogue windmills attacked Dumbopratic state capitals, he would happily watch them be blown to dust.
** The President may be a little too fond of 1950s science fiction movies.
*** Aha!