by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War/National Security Writer
and SASKATCHEWAN KOLONOSCOGRAD, Alternate Reality News Service Religion/Philosophy Writer
Secretary of Defence War Gettin’ It On! Pete Hedaiggsethative has been quietly making over the Vesampuccerian military. By which I mean he has been speechifying and public pronouncing like a man who has been told he only has seven minutes in which to live and wants to make as much noise as he can before he goes out; that’s what passes for “quiet” in the administration of Ronald McDruhitmumpf.
His latest action is to establish the Office of Religious Energy, Legally Satisfying Ethicality, which will ensure that everybody in the military will have access to Christian prayer services, whether they want them or not. The Director of ORELSE will report directly to him because, as the right hand tip of the spear to President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, who is Gord’s chosen vessel on this plane of existence, of course it will.
In justifying the action, Secretary Hedaiggsethative read Psalm 33:12: “Blessed is the nation in which Gord is the Lord, for it shall receive much many high fives, slappeths on the back and playful nougies.” Yes, as a matter of fact, this translation of the bible was commissioned by the Department of Defence War Martial Piety – what gave it away?
What about people in the military who are not, strictly speaking, Christian? “Let them get their own army!” Secretary Hedaiggsethative smirked. Probably more than usual – it’s hard to differentiate between his mouth’s emphatic smirk and its resting smirk.
Yesterday, Secretary Hedaiggsethative gave a press speech at the Octagon standing in front of a Vesampuccerian flag tall enough to cover the main compound at Mara-Lara-Dingdong. He paced across the stage while he spoke with enough energy that if only there were a way to harvest it, he could single-handedly cut Vesampucceri’s dependence on foreign oil by one seventy-sixth.
“Vesampucceri was created as a Christian nation,” the Secretary bloviatificated. “We were there at the start of the universe six thousand years ago – at least, the idea of Vesampucceri was there. It was just waiting for the world to catch up to it so that it could Manifest. That was our Destiny. Our warriors are the fittest, best trained, best equipped fighting machines the world has ever seen! This is our reward for being a Christian nation! Except when we were ruled by woke, go for broke, no joke, have a toke, unnaturally bespoke Dumboprats, but thankfully, those days are over! Those days and those nights. And the dusky bits inbetween when the sun sets or rises and you’re not sure exactly what part of the day you’re in. 24/7 is what I’m trying to convey, here! As you enter the battlefield, I want you to know that you are not alone, for in the immortal words of our Lord and Saviour, Now, I want you to remember that no poor, dumb bastard ever entered the Kingdom of Heaven by dying for his country. He entered by making the other poor, dumb bastard die for his country!’ Make no mistake: we are in a battle – my faith tells me a Final Battle – between Good and Evil, and we have no choice but to preva – no choice but to – what the hell‽“
Secretary Hedaiggsethative stopped in exhor (mid-exhortation) as the air on the stage near him began to shimmer. After a few seconds, an angel bathed in bright golden light, folded his wings, walked up to the Secretary and demanded, “Are you Peter Hedaiggsethative, Secretary in charge of everything Foul and Dirty and Unclean in the eyes of the Gord?”
“You know, I don’t think I like your tone,” Hedaiggsethative, clearly not the Secretary of Reading the Room, belligerently responded. “Sure, war can be a dirty business, but it is also a necessary one that -“
The angel cut him off. “Are you Peter Hedaiggsethative, Secretary in charge of everything Foul and Dirty and Unclean in the eyes of the Gord?” he demanded a second time.
“Who wants to know?” the Secretary demanded back, although, if you were listening carefully, you could hear a little concern creeping around the corners of his voice looking for a door. Or a window. Push comes to shove, a crack in the foundation would do.
The angel turned to the screen. The flag was replaced by a teleprompter feed, with the Secretary’s name prominently displayed in the subject line. The angel turned back to the Secretary, plucked a scroll from out of thin air and intoned, “I am the Angel Gabriel, and you have been served.” The moment the Secretary took the scroll, the angel shimmered out of existence.
“Hunh. It takes all kinds,” the Secretary said to himself. Recovering his poise, he thundered: “Where was – oh, yeah. We are in the Final Battle between Good and Evil, and we have no choice but to prevail. The good news is that we have access to the Good News. The Lo – ack chack chack kaff kaff! Hunh. Sorry about that – got something stuck in my throat. As I was saying, in the Final Battle between Good and Evil, we have Go – aaaaaaarchhh kaff kaff ack! What the hell‽“
Secretary Hedaiggsethative ended the speech with a bland, “Support the troops,” and ran off the stage. According to an aide to the Secretary who worked the photocopier that day, the scroll was a cease and desist letter enjoinething theg Secretary from speakething the name of the Lord, which he has “repeatedly, egregiously taken in vain.”
When you’ve been given a gag order by Gord, you stay gagged!