Thank you, Jeremiah “Filibuster? I Hardly Knew Her!” Philpotts, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we were on the train to…a place – need to know, Jerry, need to know – when we noticed somebody sitting ahead of us in the car was reading a book. At the same time as we were reading a book. What are the odds? Two people reading a book on a train at the same time? That hasn’t happened since Hannibal said to himself, “I wonder what’s on the other side of that mountain!” We mean, isn’t there a law in physics that two people reading a book cannot occupy the same train car at the same time? (We weren’t the best physics students, and that was a long time ago, so we may be a little off. But that’s okay: since this is physics, Heisenberg has us covered.) We wondered what would happen if our books touched – would there be an explosion resulting in a pair of plot points travelling in opposite directions towards the ends of the universe? Could we risk it, or should we get off at the next stop and take the next train to…a place – really, Jer, stop pushing us because we’re not going to tell you where!
Then, we noticed what they were reading: Fifty Shades of I’m Okay, You’re a Hot Mess – Get a Grip, Why Don’t You? And the universe made sense again: it’s not like they were reading a real book!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
It Is A Highly Expressive Bit Of Facial Hair, Even If It Does Speak With A Victorian Era Accent
I know what you’re thinking: why does Brian Sauve, pastor of Utah’s Refuge Church, have a moustache that screams: “I have been put on this planet to make widders and orphans suffer‽” And what is that come hither, God look he’s giving? If Sauve can imagine God telling him to control his women’s social media diet, I can imagine God telling him, “Oh, my dude, you are soooo on your own, here!”
Sauve doesn’t want a wife, he wants a puppet, somebody who tells him how great he is and bears him children. Okay, I may be wrong about the puppet thing; it sounds like he actually wants a sex doll. With an AI programmed to tell him how great he is. Because women don’t last, but ego is forever.
Given his claim that he has blocked his wife from viewing thousands of websites, it makes you wonder how he finds time to, you know, preach and stuff. Maybe his is a God of deed rather than words – ye shall be known by your evil works, so get oppressing, dude sort of thing.
And how do you get from a woman reading the Viticulture, Now! website to “genocidal evil?” Genocidal evil. It’s almost as though Sauve heard liberals say a word, and he had to use it to make fun of them even though he hasn’t a clue what it means. Won’t somebody, anybody think of children and buy this man a dictionary‽
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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So…Porn Is Still An Option, Then?
10 to one odds against you being able to answer this question) An ad paid for by the Ontario government says the province is spending more on schools than it ever has. An ad paid for by the Ontario Secondary School Teacher’s Federation says Ontario has taken over $6 billion out of the public education system. How can we reconcile these two statements?
a) shout, “Liar! Liar! Pants on fire!” and see which institution guiltily turns their heads away
b) sweep them both under a rug and pretend the public school system is humming along nicely, doing just fine
c) all education policies converge at infinity
100 to one odds against millennials living as well as their parents) An ad paid for by the government of Ontario tells young people to consider a career in the trades. What is the rationale behind this ad?
a) students don’t need no fancy book learnin’
b) fancy book learnin’ is fer the rich, not fer the likes o’ you!
c) AI is going to replace all jobs requiring thought, so you better enjoy a future where the only way to make a living is with your hands
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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This Day In Self-Pwn History…
“Did the Nazis ask the Jews to leave politely? Did they say, ‘Please leave?’… Does anyone do that? Did they say, ‘Get out so we can come in?’ Of course not.”
– Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Journalist Should Consider A Good Colon Collinsing…
EXT. COUNTY FAIR – DAY
ANNOUNCER: (over) Has this ever happened to you?
SENATOR SUSAN COLLINS is standing in front of a microphone on a slight riser taking questions from a crowd of journalists. SOUND: The conversation of people who are happily ignoring her and enjoying the fair.
JOURNALIST: There is a report out that your campaign manager conspired with a wealthy donor to hide the fact that he was donating more than the legal limit to your campaign. How do you respond to this allegation?
SUSAN COLLINS: My campaign is corrupt. It sucks.
JOURNALIST: Oh. Okay. So, what are you going to do about it?
COLLINS: I am going to talk about it until you get bored of the subject and move on to something else.
JOURNALIST: Are you denying the report?
COLLINS: No. I already told you, my campaign sucked.
JOURNALIST: So, what are you going to do about it?
COLLINS: Are you still interested in that? Don’t you think it’s old news?
JOURNALIST: No. If you have found corruption in your campaign, shouldn’t you do something about it?
COLLINS: Of course. That would be the only moral course of action.
JOURNALIST: So, what are you going to do about it?
COLLINS: I’m going to call on another journalist. Umm…you. I like the shade of blue you’re wearing. What’s your question?
JOURNALIST 2: You have repeatedly talked about problems you have with the President’s actions, yet you’ve voted for his agenda over 90 per cent of the time. How can anybody believe anything you say?
COLLINS: (grinning) I suck.
ANNOUNCER: (over) Congratulations! You’ve just been Collinsed!
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227914]
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