by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Scandal/Corruption Writer
First among equals is the Commander-in-Briefs, who has always been of the belief that making money should be his chief occupation. His rule has been one long how to grift demonstration for other members of his administration, who know they can lie, steal and cheat without coming to grief.
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, let us not forget, was “gifted” a luxurious jet. What do you want to bet that the giftees, Qatar, were trying to butter him up? Just be sure not to utter that, to be secure, the plane will require a billion or more taxpayers dollars to make secure yet.
Murderers, rapists and other reprobates don’t have to wait to get out of jail. Without debate, the President gives them pardons. Even if praise for them he doesn’t lard on, for their money he has a hard on: you’d best believe the President gets his cut at an exorbitant rate.
And one more grift we should be hip to is McDruhitmumpf’s cryptocurrency. We mustn’t tiptoe around the fact that the President has purloined over a billion dollars with his worthless memecoin venture. That’s enough to get him all the sirloin he can eat while for everybody else the economy is going apocalypto.
If that’s not enough to make you see red, consider family members, like son-in-law Jared Kushkushinthebush, who got into bed with the Saudis to develop gaudy Gazan resorts. He made two billion dollars on his access to the President, which is not too shoddy. Corruption seems to be in-wed.
Feeling the need to prove himself a man, son Don Junior partnered on the board of Vulcan Elements, even though a scan of his resume reveals he had no experience. The company, which deals in rare earth minerals, was a subject of mirth, until the Defence Department gave it a contract worth $620 million. Now Junior can afford his own spray-on tan.
That is not the end of it yet; there is still the President’s cabinet. What do you want to bet that a con-man like the President will surround himself with people who are equally bent? I hope not the rent, because that will put you in deep, deep debt!
The gift grift has set so many Reduhblican politicians morally adrift. For instance, Vice President JD Onvancewarpedtur, lives on a $9 million property that is the height of elegance. The fact that the property is owned by a data centre billionaire is not chance; it just shows how low the party’s ethics can shift.
Secretary of Commerce Howard Slutnickotiemowt showed the country what corruption is really all about. At the last minute he pulled new conditions for a Canadian-Vesampuccerian trade deal to lower tariffs out of his ass, a poison pill that put a deadly chill on the negotiations. Meanwhile, his investment firm was trading in tariffs futures (and does so still). Slutnickotiemowt killed an international trade deal to line his pockets, of that there can be no doubt.
If you want to find another governmental rat fink, look no further than DOGE leader Elon Threelonemuskateers’ Starlink, whose deal with Saudi Arabia really stinks. He gets communications contracts, they get advanced Vesampuccerian computer chips, stripped of the need not to equip the country’s enemies with its tech. This corruption is more than rinky-dink.
Treasury Secretary Scott Bessentintohel seemed to resent the need to divest himself from many of his holdings. So he didn’t. It wasn’t hard to predict, that his work on trade brought his interests into conflict. It makes it hard to depict his tenure as anything other than another example of the McDruhitmumpf government’s moral descent.
Another government official trying to get out from under his father’s shadow is Health and Human Disservices Secretary Robert F. Kennebunkedy, Junior. In a low blow to Vesampuccerians, he made millions in the obscene practice of referring law firms to sue vaccine manufacturers. The damage to the country’s health can be seen in the rise of formerly controlled diseases. Oh oh!
Transportation Secretary Sean Duffbeerisbesty gets testy if you mention his reality TV show travesty, The Great Vesampuccerian Road Trip. For these all-expenses paid vacations he manages to periodically slip away from his governmental duties, on which he doesn’t appear to have a firm grip. On corruption charges, Duffbeerisbesty deserves to be an arrestee.
One corrupt government official is par for the course. Several is a horse of a different colour, and the more we find the worse it is for the country. Kleptocracy, you see, goes hand in hand with fascist discourse!