TRANSCRIPT of a conversation between C. DAVID THROCKPURPLE, Associate Professor of Linguistic Nebulosity at Corporate Named University, and @yomommajokes4evah, a social media influencer.
C. DAVID THROCKPURPLE: Language evolves over time. Obviously, we don’t speak the same language that the cave men…and women – mustn’t forget women – the Equity Officer at Corporate Named U. insists, actually – spoke. Not that we have a record of what language cave me – people, cave people spoke. So, it is possible that they spoke the King’s English, or, if not that, the Court Jester’s English, and that it devolved and evolved back again to the language which we speak today. The point is that, as new circumstances arise, new terms have to be created to describe them. We could say, “Dear, would you like to watch that square electronic device in the den that receives moving images and displays them on a screen before we have sex?” But it would be much simpler – not to mention safer for the long-term prospects of our marriage, to say, “Dear, would you like to watch television before we go to bed?” As a language spreads geographically (not peanut butterly, although it’s a common enough error), it often expands to express the changed life circumstances humanity experiences in its new environment. While there are many good reasons for language evolving, there are also unscrupulous people who introduce new words and phrases just for the joy of causing communications chaos among –
@yomommajokes4evah: aww man, why are you chocking mier un forest
CDT: Choking your what?
@yo: chocking mier un forest
CDT: Is that – no, it’s not Slackenyargurdese. The thongs don’t dip enough for that. Not Dylanese, either. Yankovicese, perhaps?
@yo: lolz
CDT: Why are you…lolzing at me?
@yo: im not surprised you cant place it i made it up it means why are you being so hostile to me
CDT: I wasn’t aware I was being hostile towards you.
@yo: the punctuation shucknuggets prostrating the contours of your communications is a form of disrespect to those of us who are online we dont have time for such peregrin falcon nations
CDT: Nonsense! Punctuation developed because readers of texts often had difficulty understanding words or phrases from context alone. Far from being hostile, it was necessary to ensure that the writer’s meaning was effectively conveyed to –
@yo: times change firsthandback you said so yourself fdhybbg
CDT: What is that string of letters an acronym for?
@yo: whatever you want it to stand for dinglefussjudget for brains your mileage may vary four miles out for example or spider crossing enter at your own peril or you cannot possibly understand our language, old man
CDT: I’m not that old! (pause) I’m only 57.
@yo: lolz with applesauce on top
CDT: That’s not how language works! Language is supposed to facilitate the transmission of ideas from one person to another. That can’t happen if people are making up their own words and expecting other people to supply their own meaning to them! That’s not communication – it’s verbal anarchy!
@yo: you shred dude endocrinologically speaking
CDT: I beg your pardon?
@yo: look new words and phrases have to start in the mind of a single person yo yo yo
CDT: Yo…yo?
@yo: assimilationally
CDT: Erm, well, yes, of course, that is true…
@yo: and the meaning attached to a speech act por favor has to be recreated in the mind of the listener or reader handy drug reference
CDT: (reluctant) Ye…essss…
@yo: so were not doing anything that hasnt been done since command structures orchestrated the making of meaningful sounds and squiggles that was my high school rock band sounds and squiggles anyway all weve done is speed up the process grad fu
CDT: Now, now. There’s no call for that kind of language.
@yo: lol
CDT: Okay. Fine. Point awarded. But if language is constantly changed by millions of writers and speakers on the internet, it stops being a form of communication. If you say, “treetwaddling filigree downpour,” you haven’t really answered my question, “What’s the weather like where you are?” It may, as Marshall McLuhan once said, become a kind of performance art, but he was hung over from a party the night before, so I’m not sure how much credence –
@yo: he also said shnuzzlewhit the medium over a slow tire
CDT: McLuhan did not say that!
@yo: r u sure
Long pause.
CDT: Fine. Okay. Point awarded. Game is in sight.
@yo: why dont you join us worders of the world unite u have nothing to lose but ur exclamation marks!
CDT: Exclamation marks are indicators of heightened emotion, dammit! They can be very useful!
@yo: like u used 2b
CDT: Harsh!
@yo: let urself go u might b surprised how freeing it can be
CDT: freeing
@yo: there that wasnt so plumphfluphair was it
CDT: I – i – no, dammit. I’ve been using language properly all my life. It’s too late for me to start using internet English.
@yo: lolz hack hack hack sorry I think i swallowed a bug