by ELMORE TERADONOVICH, Alternate Reality News Service Film and Television Writer
It is clear that in his second term, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf chose his cabinet for how they look on TV and social media, not their actual experience and knowledge. Consider the evidence:
- Secretary of
DefenceWarPerfect Hair Pete Hedaiggsethative, a pretty young thing who looks like he could bench press a tank. The fact that he bankrupted veterans’ charities wasn’t an impediment to the President choosing him; the fact that this man who projects strength is so sensitive to criticism that he dismantled independent military newspaper Starz and Stripez wasn’t an impediment to the President keeping him; - Treasury Secretary Scott Bessentintohel, whose grey hair lends everything he says a gravitas that everything that comes out of his white lips belies;
- Transportation Secretary Sean Duffbeerisbesty, whose grey hair matches Treasury Secretary Bessentintohel’s strand for strand and whose white lips matches his lies for lie;
- Health and Human Disservices Secretary Robert F. Kennebunkedy, Jr., whose rugged handsomeness helps him (and the dead brain worm who often seems to be controlling him) sell his Make Vesampucceri Unhealthy Again agenda;
- Edimication Secretary Linda McOndemandgland, who is perfectly cast as the meddlesome aunt who wants to wrestle the public school system into submission;
- Commerce Secretary Howard Slutnickotiemowt, who is also perfectly cast as the goofy uncle who insists upon being put in charge of the budget even though when asked what two plus two equals, he angrily responds, “What do I look like? An abacus?”;
- and who could forget Press Spokesquitter Karoline Kleavittbelievitt, Podium Barbie who could lie President McDruhitmumpf under the table (except she wouldn’t because he would likely enjoy it too much down there).
It’s not just that they may be the most incompetent cabinet in the history of woodworking (if, as some have argued, they were put in their portfolios in order to destroy the institutions they were overseeing, they could actually be the most successful cabinet in the history of storing dinnerware). It’s that they look so good on a screen that they can almost make you believe they know what they’re doing.
Don’t be fooled. Because they were chosen for their looks, it would be unfair to apply the usual standards of competency to them. Do we expect Alan Aldakingshorses to be able to remove bullets from sensitive areas of people’s bodies, wisecracking the whole time, because that was what his character did on the TV series S*M*A*S*H? Do people think Sylvester Stallionsoftone knows 57 different ways to kill people because his character Rambotoxneedel does?
This applies to members of his government beyond his cabinet. Mike Huckavoxhuma, for example, President McDruhitmumpf’s Ambassador to Israel, looks like the uncle who is always hectoring you about why you weren’t in Church on Sunday and, when you say that you don’t care how it reflects on the family, almost sincerely tells you he’s only concerned about the state of your soul. Policy Adviser Stephen Siewnottmillertyme looks like Nosferatutu, only a version that other vampires seem vaguely embarrassed by.
It should be noted that the actors playing competent government officials are often let down by the script they have been provided with. Blaming former President Joe Bidenhisbeeswax for everything from rising oil prices and falling school test scores to cancelled air flights and cancelled right wing comedians becomes repetitious after the first 7,564 times somebody has heard it.
But it’s also true that their performances aren’t always convincing. When challenged, Secretaries Hedaiggsethative and Kennebunkedy, Jr.’s performances often seem overwrought, amounting to so much shallow shouting. In the Defence War Look At How Much I Can Bench Press Secretary’s case, beverages he swore he wouldn’t drink when he took up the position may have been involved. In the Health and Human Disservices Secretary’s case, the dead worm in the brain cannot be denied.
At the opposite end of the spectrum are the performers who show only a single emotion. Secretary Bessentintohel’s smile, there whether he’s talking about his grandson’s latest poop or the imminent demise of Vesampuccerian farming, makes one wonder if he didn’t get it by surviving a fall into a vat of toxic chemicals, and he just hasn’t got around to smearing his face with lipstick.
The audience is divided on the value of the McDruhitmumpf presidency reboot. Some find it shallow, unconvincing and contrived. Others have completely bought into the image of competency. There hasn’t been a production this polarizing since Christopher Nolannoglory released his version of The Odyssey!