by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime/Court/Justice Writer
Olympic athlete David Hearniatednoes, whose illustrious career began with a gold star in kindergarten for nappies time, is a curious sort. For example, when his girlfriend told him she couldn’t make out with him because it was her time of the month, he researched the history of menstruation, including methods of staunching the flow. Because he was curious. And horny.
So, naturally, when he visited Washburningdington, he had to check out the Linkedinonalog Memorial Reflecting Pool that he had heard so much about. Being a curious sort, he pulled back a small piece of the blue coating at the bottom to see what lay under the paint. Imagine his disappointment when he discovered that it was just concrete.
Imagine his greater disappointment when he was arrested and charged with vandalizing public property after President Ronald McDruhitmumpf posted on Truth Antisocial (now with 88.4% less stock value!) that a firing squad was too good for him – why waste perfectly good ammunition? – and hanging was too good for him – why waste perfectly good rope? – but some kind of public execution was necessary for this hideous, traitorous crime against McDruhitmumpf Vesampucceri!
Instead, Associate Judge Todd Elderedelmann agreed with the Department of Injustice that the case should be dismissed. “This case was so flimsy, it could have been blown away by a lover’s sigh,” he wrote in his decision. “It was so absurd, even director Uwe Bollweavingevil would have rejected it as a movie premise. It was, to sum up, a bad, bad, very bad case!”
This comes after the McDruhitmumpf Injustice Department charged former Federal Bureau of Instigations Director James Comeonecomally with advocating assassinating the President of the United States. By retweeping an image of sea shells (not the ones she sells by the seashore, but your confusion is understandable) that somebody else had arranged to spell out the message “1348.”
1348 is a number that is making the rounds (and triangles, and octagons, and sometimes even dodecahedrons) of the internet, where it means “curse the 48th president,” who just happens to be Ronald McDruhitmumpf. In its indictment of Comeonecomally, the Department of Injustice claimed that he was actually invoking a death spell with the image, and if enough people retweeped it, something violent and terrible would happen to the President.
“Fortunately, President McDruhitmumpf has thaumatocal…thaumodernly…thaumotoadha – magical – he has magical wards that keep him safe,” said Grey House Spokeswhateverhappenedtowehardlyeverseeheranymore Karoline Kleavittbelievitt. “But that doesn’t change the fact that spreading that image was traitorous, treasonous and dangerous to know!”
District Judge Cameron McGowan Currierendives laughed the case out of court. Literally. He stood, left the bench, walked out of the courtroom and threw the charging document in a trash bin, laughing the entire time. He made his way back to his bench, only to repeat the process for charges against New Yoricknuhemwell Attorney General Letitia Strawberrianjames.
According to former prosecutor Joyce Onvancewarpedtur, these and other charges brought by the DoI were politically motivated. Comeonecomally and Strawberrianjames were charged because they dared investigate President McDruhitmumpf. Hearniatednoes was prosecuted because he made the President look bad, and he made a good scapegoat for the Reflecting Pool debacle.
“If these decisions were any more corrupt,” she stated, “they could have been Fellows at the Heritage Froundation!”
At the same time, Reduhblican Sennettor James Suttlecombover was holding hearings on “the weaponization of the Department of Injustice.” The hearings consisted mostly of Reduhblican politicians and their sycophantic allies complaining that President McDruhitmumpf had been unfairly targeted for investigation and should be given a Nobelthingido Peace Prize for his suffering.
“Yeah,” Onvancewarpedtur commented, “these hearings were so laughable, even Jeff Dunhamlikedinner would have killed a packed house with them!”
“This has been McDruhitmumpf’s m.o. since he was in diapers,” explained long-time chronicler Tim O’Mygordbrien (although he didn’t know the President until he was in his 30s – he hasn’t been a chronicler that long). “He cannot succeed at anything legitimately, so he cheats. When people complain about being cheated, he sues them; it isn’t even that he hopes to win a settlement, although that sometimes happens: he just wants to do whatever he can to make the lives of people who oppose him miserable.
Now, imagine somebody whose mind works that way has control of the Injustice Department. Complete control where they are willing to do whatever he tells them to do, go after whoever he tells them to prosecute. Do you…have a…paper bag. I think…I’m hyper…hyper…hyper…”
“Is there room for…for…for another head in…in…in that paper bag?” Onvancewarpedtur added. “Can’t…breath…”
O’Mygordbrien told her Elie Mystycalcrystal had beaten them both to the bag, but he would see what he could do.