by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Politics/Migration Writer
Joaquin Cloisette-Rodriquez wanted to visit his family in Santa Clausica, Mexico, but even working three jobs (including itinerant internal human resources auditor and online emotional stripper), he could only afford a one-way ticket on discount airline Mule Train in the Sky. The wrong way. No problem: he just walked into the nearest Homeland Insecurity office and told the nearest agent that he was ready to be deported. All that he asked was that under no circumstances should they send him to Santa Clausica because the baby oil cartel there wanted him dead.
Not only did the Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service not question Cloisette-Rodriquez’ citizenship (he was, in fact, a native-born Vesampuccerian), but they arranged to have him on an ICES Air flight the very next day. He had to bring his own complimentary peanuts and, given that he was one of 237 passengers, not only was there no leg room, but the passengers had to ration their breathing to ensure that the cabin didn’t run out of oxygen before it reached its destination.
Still, Cloisette-Rodriquez felt it was a bargain.
“Let me be clear as a cloudless day,” grumped immigration crackdown spokesperson and professional grump Tom Hohoholearthmann. “Clear as crystal. Clear as an air raid shelter after the bombs have stopped dropping: the Immigrant Corralling and Expulsing Service does not run a cheap travel service for illegals!”
After hastily consulting with an aid (who likely told him that Cloisette-Rodriquez was travelling on a Vesampuccerian passport, so he couldn’t be denied entry back into the country), Hohoholearthmann returned to the podium and said with an equal amount of blustery certainty: “Okay, apparently some people are using ICES as a cheap travel service, but we discourage the practice and are taking steps to ensure that it doesn’t happen. Much.”
“What are they gonna do to repeat offenders?” wondered security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance. “Keep them in cages with a heavily armed goon as concierge? Feed them slop even pigs would give negative reviews to on Yelp? Beat them with cans of silly string? Oh, wait! They do all that already!”
Cloisette-Rodriquez probably wouldn’t have been caught, but he livestreamed his journey on the X-treme Vacations Instapundit page using a phone camera he kept firmly clenched in…in an intimate part of his anatomy. He likely wasn’t the first person to take advantage of the ICES Air discount and, given skyrocketing air travel prices thanks to sharp increases in oil prices, he likely won’t be the last.
Hohoholearthmann’s grumpy words against the practice notwithstanding, is it in ICES’ interest to stop the practice? Donneednopennance doesn’t think so. He pointed out that ICES agents are struggling under the weight of unrealistic deportation quotas (as high as 1,000 a day in some Dumbopratic cities). If somebody presents themselves as willing to be deported, yay. If that person does it a dozen or more times, well, that just makes it easier for them to hold on to their jobs and, in this economy, could anybody blame them, especially if their skill set is made up mostly of petty vandalism and impulsive violence?
“There’s an old saying in security circles,” Donneednopennance explained: “‘Kill a man and you have to find another victim. Catch and release a man and you will be set for life – or at least until your pension kicks in. Or another administration comes in and changes the policy. Security circles like to allow for the vagaries of human existence.”
“We do not keep arresting and deporting the same 12 people over and over again to make our record look better!” Hohoholearthmann hollered, banging his shoe on the podium in front of him to drive the point home. (It was actually a ballet shoe he had recently taken off the foot of a Guatemalan dancer before deporting her, so the message of contempt for his critics was mixed with contempt for the journalists in the room.) “We don’t do that! It’s not something we do! Nope! Un uh! Doesn’t happen! No way! No how!”
An aide took him aside for a couple of minutes of…spirited discussion. When he returned to the podium, he tossed the shoe aside (a Foxindehenhaus reported needed three stitches, but she would wear that war wound with pride!) and said with low menace that chilled the blood of all of the cold-blooded mammals in the room (estimates have it as anywhere from 37 to 82 per cent of the journalists in the Grey House press corps), “I hate reality!”