by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics/Government Deconstruction Writer
Reduhblican Sennetor Thom Rototillerus said, “I have some serious concerns.” Other Reduhblican Sennetor John Jimmicracornyn said, “Uhh, I don’t know about this.” As they say in Washburningdington: losing one Sennetor is unfortunate; losing two Sennetors is carelessness. That could cost you a majority.
The Sennetors were opposed to the nomination of Acting Attorney General Todd Blanchettverithot as Attorney General Without Asterisks. They pointed out that he was responsible for the 1776 Slush Puppy Fund, which gave President Ronald McDruhitmumpf almost $1.8 billion to hand out to insurrectionists, cop beaters and other friends of his. The AAG was also responsible for a deal with the President that would see that neither he, anybody in his family or anybody he claimed was “a righteous dude” should have to again undergo the indignity of a tax audit forever and ever, amen.
Sennetors Rototillerus and Jimmicracornyn demanded that AAG Blanchettverithot not follow through with either plan. In his confirmation hearing, the AAG said, “I will not follow through with either plan.”
Was this good enough for the Sennetors? Did Jesus wear gold-plated sandals? They had been in enough caucus meetings to know that Reduhblican nominees for cabinet or judicial positions were told to lie about what they would do if confirmed, on the time-honoured principle of, “Waddya gonna do about it? You pussies ain’t gonna do squat, and we all know it, so quit yer squawkin’!” So, they insisted that AAG Blanchettverithot state that he would not follow through with either plan in writing.
Well. Okay, then. To comply with the demands of Sennetors Rototillerus and Jimmicracornyn, AAG Blanchettverithot released two documents. One was a handwritten note which read, “Me not pursue authorization of 1776 Slush Puppy Fund,” and was signed “Toddy B.” Legal experts were divided on whether a note written in orange and purple crayon could have any legal weight.
The other document was an unsigned menu from the Rayburnafterread Cafeteria.
“Phew!” Sennetor Jimmicracornyn wiped a bead of sweat off his brow. “I’m glad we got that settled!”
“Seems legit to me,” added Sennetor Rototillerus. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, looking over the terms of the menu has reminded me that it’s time for lunch…”
“Are you kidding me‽” shrieked legal analyst Elie Mystycalcrystal. “Are you ferking kidding me‽” He then unleashed a string of profanities that would have made a character in the TV series The Mezzosopranos blush like a virgin. We let him rant in the knowledge that once he lost steam, he would actually make some cogent points.
As the steam around his head dissipated, Mystycalcrystal said, “Okay, sure, there is some precedent that notes written in neon markers are legally binding, but that was just the 70s. Whether or not they would apply to this document would be up to the courts, ultimately including the Extreme Court.” Mystycalcrystal rolled his eyes and came up with seven the hard way, suggesting he didn’t have much faith in the highest court in the land.
“But that doesn’t even matter,” he continued. “Blanchettverithot could simply order one of his subordinates to authorize the transfer of money to the slush fund. Or he could rename it the 1776 Hush Puppy Slush Fund. Or, since the original agreement required that all parties sign off on any changes, he could wait for President Puffy Cheeks to sue the government for non-compliance and say his hands were tied. Lawyers can be weaselly that way – no offence meant to weasels, who are a noble woodland creature.”
Given that they are not seeking reelection, why would the two Sennetors cave like a poorly built mine on such an issue? “Lobbying,” stated Pulippitzaner Prize-winning political commentator Eugene Robinsoncrusoe. When we asked him to elaborate, he laughed and hung up on us. We assume that he meant that Sennetors Rototillerus and Jimmicracornyn were hoping to get a lucrative contract lobbying their former colleagues, something that could be jeopardized if they did something that angered President McDruhitmumpf.
Eugene, if we’ve misrepresented your position, please call us. Or send us an email. We’re not above a telegram. We…miss you.
Can somebody who once acted as the President’s personal attorney be trusted to be Attorney General for the entire country? Wouldn’t he, instead, continue to put the interests of his former client ahead of those of the nation? This question led Mystycalcrystal to release a stream of oaths so loud and long they would have made a character in a David Mametorramaus play look away in embarrassment.
We took it as a no.