Thank you, Deborah “Debbed If I Do, Debbed If I Don’t” Schmeisner, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we discovered we had two rather large bumps on the side of our head. They didn’t itch, so they weren’t mosquito bites. If they weren’t on the same side of our head, we would have wished that they were the beginnings of horns (although being a deformed demon had its own attractions). The next day, the bumps were half their original size. So, if a spider had somehow laid its eggs in our head while we were sleeping, they clearly weren’t finding fertile ground there.
And we thought: We should really stop watching 1950s horror movies before we go to sleep at night!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
The Premier Is On Fire!
(Not Literally – Sorry If I Got Your Hopes Up)
PREMIER DOUG FORD: Fires are devastating the wildlands of northern Ontario. Can you send us funds to support evacuations and other emergency measures?
PRIME MINISTER MARK CARNEY: Of course. How much do you think you’ll ne – wait a second. Didn’t you cut $42 million from the wildland firefighting budget last year?
PREMIER FORD: Umm…no.
PRIME MINISTER CARNEY: I’m pretty sure you did.
PREMIER FORD: You, uhh, must be thinking of some other province. You’re probably confusing us with…Schmontario.
PRIME MINISTER CARNEY: I’m no cartographer, but I’m pretty sure there’s no such province as Schmontario.
PREMIER FORD: It’s right there. Between Alberta and…whatever’s west of Alberta. You know… Schmontario.
PRIME MINISTER CARNEY: Mmm…well, be that as it may be, I will grant you that the situation is bad.
PREMIER FORD: It is a fast-moving and evolving situation. We’ll take whatever we can get as soon as we can get it – preferably in large, sequential bills.
PRIME MINISTER CARNEY: Tell you what: I’ll talk to cabinet and see what they say. Given the seriousness of the situation, I don’t think there will be any problem giving the province emergency funding to fight the out-of-control wildfires.
PREMIER FORD: Thank you, Prime Minister.
PRIME MINISTER CARNEY: No need to thank me. I’m always happy to help…Schmontario.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
more
It’s Like Being Falstaff, Only With 27% More Regret
Falstalgia: longing for a past that never existed. EXAMPLE: Bill longed for a time when all of the people in the country lived in harmony with each other. You know: like in the 1950s? Whoa! The falstalgia is strong in this one!
SOURCE: Michelle’s Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
more
* For Best Effect, Some Resculpturing Of The Throat And Upper Body May Be Required
Want to carry that bag of groceries, but one of your hands is holding a bubble tea with eight servings of tapioca and the minimum amount of liquid required by law, and the other is holding the hand of a child (which may or may not be attached to it’s body – we don’t judge)? Be more like a hamster.
The scientists at the Mountbatten Institute of Out There Research and Moderately Healthy Snacks has come up with a solution to the perennial problem of not having enough hands (of one’s own – we especially don’t judge souvenir collectors). Introducing the CheekPouchTM: a simple medical procedure which allows you to carry up to 20 per cent of your body weight in your cheeks.
The CheekPouchTM zips up to ensure that even the most perishable goods do not spoil. While it is recommended for short trips to the corner grocery store, a family of four could lay in a month’s supply of food with a single trip to their nearest MultiMaxiMegaMart.
The CheekPouchTM: Inspired by nature. Perfected by science. Ask your doctor about it.
Storing food in the CheekPouchTM is not recommended for road trips of longer than three days. Do not use the CheekPouchTM to store food while camping as freedom from attacks by hungry wild animals cannot be guaranteed by the Mountbatten Institute or retailers. In the unlikely event that your CheekPouchTM breaks, disgorge contents immediately, as they could become a choking hazard. For best use, the Mountbatten Institute recommends that zippers be inspected by a licensed medical practitioner every six months.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32322641314641314687fx]
more
Are You Drunk?
“Not Yet, But Hopefully Soon…”
“Alberta urges provinces top ease retail alcohol trade barriers
Minister says ‘protectionist’ mindset makes expansion harder for producers”
– Toronto Star
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1370855278]
more
His Self-Absorbed Racism IS Hard To Swallow…
Elon Musk, not content with turning products other people had created into a trillion dollar personal fortune and contributing to the destruction of the American government, causing at least a million deaths in the process, has decided his real value in life is to be a cultural critic.
He has responded to a revival of the musical Porgy and Bess with a series of tweets (oh, yes, I forgot to mention poisoning social media when I wrote his resume) complaining that the casting of a Black man and woman as the leads was “a form of anti-White racism.”
“But…but…but…” New York Crimes theatre critic Jesse “Envy” Green sputtered. He may have been trying to point out that the characters were, in fact, Black. Or he may have been trying to spit out a xenomorph. A lot of people have that reaction to Musk.
SOURCE: Art Splorts
[http://www.artsplorts.com/diary/id=9488]
more
“But For The Sake Of My Freedom, Sacrifices Must Be Made…”
An Israeli air strike on a funeral in the Gaza Strip killed at least seven people and wounded 22 others. As always, the Israeli military said it had targeted a “terrorist cell” of the militant group “Palestinian Islamic Jihad Fighters, Phantom Brigade.”
“Oh, now, surely nobody could object to our actions,” coolly stated Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “The Jewish tradition is to bury our dead as quickly as possible. By killing Gazans at a funeral, we are facilitating their prompt burial. No need to thank us – it’s what our beliefs demand. Besides, it’s more efficient that way. Everybody wins, really.”
Standing behind him, Finance Minister Bezalel Smotrich gleefully wrung his hands together and audibly slavered, “Henh henh. Kill them! Kill them all! Henh! Henh! Rrrrrrrrowr blarggle! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!”
Prime Minister Netanyahu sighed and observed, “Coalition governments are always difficult…”
SOURCE: Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1190350190225]
more