by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War/National Security Writer
Imagine if you were the president of the United Sta –
“Not gonna happen,” you rudely interrupt my introduction. “I have the wrong colour. I have the wrong gender. I have the wrong socio-economic class. I have the wrong attitude. I’m about as likely to become president as my dog Bowser Blue!”
Okay. Fair points. Still, I’m not asking you to appoint a cabinet or anything, I’m just asking you to imagine –
“Are you kidding?” you insist. “I start shaking and cursing myself when I find I took one more apple than I paid for at my local MultiMaxiMegaMart – and I’m a gliberal! I don’t have the stomach for the kind of corruption it would take for me to become president! And the spleen? Pfft! Don’t ask!”
Umm…okay. But what if 2,367,418 Vesampuccerians died at the same time, of a combination of plagues, school shootings and bathroom and other accidents in the home, making you the next person in line for the presidency?
“Oh. Okay. I…guess that could happen…”
Okay. So, now that we have that settled, what if you started a war with Iran and –
“I wouldn’t start a war with Iran,” you insist upon interrupting.
Again, this is just a thought experiment. If you hypothetically started a war with Iran –
“Not gonna happen. I don’t believe in war. Just thinking about the subject makes me break out in bullet holes!”
What if – what if the Prime Minister of Israel asked you to start a war with Iran?”
“What, Benji? He can be very persuasive when he wants to be. Okay. I’m in.”
Okay! So, what would you do if – in this very hypothetical thought experiment, in response to you starting a war with Iran, the country closed the Strait of Hormuz and started charging ships to travel through what had once been considered international waters?
“Is that legal?”
I’m going to say…no.
“Hmm. Tough one.”
That’s okay. You probably haven’t given the issue much thought. Just relax and try to imagine –
“I would probably declare that the United States would deploy its naval might to guarantee the passage of any vessel through the Strait, but for our trouble we should be compensated with 10 – no, 20% of their cargo. Fair is fair!”
Good guess, but President McDruhitmumpf went in a different di…rec – actually, that was better than good, that was a great guess, because that’s exactly what the President chose to do. How…?
“What can I say? I’m a gifted amateur.”
The new policy was announced on Friday. By Monday, President McDruhitmumpf was having second thoughts. It may have been because Iranian media started calling him a “plagiarist” with “no imagination of his own.” Ouch. It may have been because all the Chiefs of Staff of the Joint looked like they just had the collected works of Eli Rothofgawdenkahn injected into their eyeballs. Oh, sure, they may have said things like, “Great idea, Mister President! Wish I’d thought of it!” and “Great idea, Mister President! This should win you your 12th Nobelthingido Peace Prize!” out loud, but their collective punims said: “I have looked into the abyss, and the abyss blanched and offered me a breath mint!”
As delighted as the President was by the idea of establishing a Guardians of the Galaxy Inside Strait force (“The colours will be orange and envy green,” he tweeped Monday morning at 2:37. “I’m the best fashion designer in the world. Everybody on the catwalks of Paris says so. Except Effie, that LOSER!!!!!”), later that day he abandoned the idea. “Something about an abyss and personal hygiene,” President McDruhitmumpf explained on Foxindehenhaus and Fiends as Brian KissMeadekilmeadenow looked like he was about to have an orgasm, “and you know how much I hate spray-on deodorant!”
“Ronald MACOd,” said President McDruhitmumpf chronicler Tim O’Mygordbrien.
MACOd?
“MACOd.”
What is this MACOd business?
“McDruhitmumpf Always Chickens Out,” O’Mygordbrien explained. “If anybody challenges one of his ridiculous ideas, he starts to cluck and his usually orange skin takes on a tinge of yellow. The term was coined by the editorial board at the Wall Street Infernal, although they didn’t consider it a positive behaviour.”
“Do you want to know what I would have done if I was the President?”
No, thank you, rhetorical device.
“I think it would astonish you!”
Perhaps, but I’m coming to the end of the article and have moved past hypotheticals.
“It would explain a lot!”
Damn persistent rhetorical devices! They really get in the way of bringing an article to a punchy conclusion!