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When Asked About Interfering With Arm’s Length Organizations, Monsieur Goonyberts (I Have No Shame) Said, “I’m Definitely Hands Off. Ostriches Have No Hands!”
Culture Minister Marc Miller, talking about the Canadian Museum for Human Rights, said, “It isn’t up to me to speak to, or insert myself in, the curation of any particular exhibit. So, instead, I will let this papier mache ostrich do it for me. Take it away, Monsieur Goonyberts!”
Monsieur Goony – no. I’m a serious journalist – I will not use that ridiculous name! The artsy ostrich said that the CMHR exhibit on the Nakba, the forced displacement of over 75,000 Palestinians from their homes in 1948 to make way for the state of Israel, was an important story to tell, but that it contained a serious error: it focused on the Palestinian people.
“It should have focused on the horrors brought down on the Jewish people during the Second World War and their need for a homeland in order to keep them sage,” the papier mache figure pantomimed. “Other than that one problem, the exhibit is perfect!”
SOURCE: Art Splorts
[http://www.artsplorts.com/diary/id=9484]
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“We Considered Rebranding As ‘Cellphones For Dumbasses,” But That Felt Redundant
It is with mixed feelings that we must announce that Cameras for Dumbasses is closing down. We are proud of the work we have done over the past 17 years to supply dumbasses who get too close to tornadoes with cameras that, in many instances, record their last moments on Earth. We have long considered facilitating the removal of dumbasses from the gene pool a service to humanity. And the videos they leave as their legacy can be funny as Hell.
Alas, these days every goof with a fetish for extreme weather has a cellphone. It breaks our heart to admit it, but our services are no longer necessary. We’d like to thank everybody who has contributed to the cause over the years, and leave you with this final thought: Wherever somebody gets a liiiiittle too close to a tornado for their own good, we will be there with them in spirit.
SOURCE: Cameras for Dumbasses
[http://www.c4d.org/announcements/099999]
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We’ll Ford That Canyon When We Get To It
Ironic, Since Ford Considers Himself “The Host Of Grievances”
“Protesters boo premier at Ford Fest
Critics drowned out Ford with a host of grievances”
– Toronto Star
Of Course He Does – And If You Had Had To Deal With Some Of The People He Has To Put Up With, You Would, Too!
Does Ford believe some lives aren’t worth saving?”
– Toronto Star
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1507552831]
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Israel’s Government Doesn’t Know Whether To Call The Couple Antisemitic Or Give Them Medals
Becky Hamber and Brandy Cooney were sentenced to life in prison for the murder of a 12 year-old boy and the torture of his 14 year old-brother.
“Our problem was geographical,” Cooney said. “If we had been born in Israel instead of Canada, we would have been considered heroes for what we did.”
“Yeah,” Hamber concurred. “Canada sucks!”
SOURCE: The Legal Unintelligibler
[https://www.law.com/theLegalUnintelligibler/2026/07/02/the-geography-of-justice/]
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Because Alberta Will Separate If We Don’t
Researchers have been looking at what record high temperatures mean for people’s health. Some of their findings include:
Effects on the heart: Eww! Gross! That is one of the most disgusting things I have ever seen in my life, and I used to be a war correspondent and father to three boys!
Effects on the brain: Eww! Gross! I’m never going to be able to unsee that! I’m having nightmares about it, and I’m not asleep! For Gord’s sake, why are we doing this to ourselves‽
SOURCE: Earth Worst! Journal
[http://www.earthworstjournal.org/article.php?id=558]
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Rude Times Require Rude Songs
Where the Sack of Shit Lies
President Donald Trump gets an erection
Whenever he talks about how Democrats stole the 2020 election.
He denies for young girls having a predilection
(While keeping the evidence safe from detection).
He punishes every Republican defection,
Saying it’s for the country’s protection.
Oh, he’s a lying sack of shit.
Every sentence has a lie in it.
Call him on the lies and he’ll have a hissy fit.
He’s a lying sack of shit.
Vice President JD Vance went in whole hog,
Saying Haitian immigrants ate suburban cats and dogs.
Conspiracy theories about Democrats he flogs,
While the airwaves with untruths he clogs.
He denies that the US in the Iran war is downwardly bogged,
Even as orders of replacement weapons are backlogged.
Oh, he’s a lying sack of shit.
Every sentence has a lie in it.
Call him on the lies and he’ll have a hissy fit.
He’s a lying sack of shit.
Secretary of Commerce Howard Lutnick laughs
At declining economic indicators shown in graphs.
A story of financial progress he crafts,
Even though it is filled with gaffes.
In the face of rising prices, he throws up chaff,
but even children find his pronouncements quite naff.
Oh, he’s a lying sack of shit.
Every sentence has a lie in it.
Call him on the lies and he’ll have a hissy fit.
He’s a lying sack of shit.
Elon Musk is an entrepreneur
Who has no empathy for the poor.
After booting USAID out the door
He doesn’t want to hear about it any more.
Those millions of deaths in Africa didn’t occur,
And anybody who says so is engaging in a terrible slur.
Oh, he’s a lying sack of shit.
Every sentence has a lie in it.
Call him on the lies and he’ll have a hissy fit.
He’s a lying sack of shit.
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/975.html]
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You Laugh, But Nuclear Spitballs Can Be Intensely Destructive
Russian President Vladimir Putin insists that his war in Ukraine is going, if not exactly as planned, nonetheless very well.
When asked about reports that Russia is using up its stores of weapons, Putin replied, “Well, I’m just spitballing, here…”
After several seconds of silence, a reporter asked him to elaborate on what his plans for replacing Russia’s depleted weapons stores was. Putin replied: “I told you. I’m just spitballing, here.”
Oh…
SOURCE: Demi-TASS
[http://en.demi-tass.com/russia/744389]
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