by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime/Justice/ Writer
According to US Attorney for the District of Pulletoutyerass Jeanine Pirrovictoree, David Ouchiehernia is the worst of the worst, the scum of the Earth and a really, really, really, really bad guy. She has indicted Ouchiehernia for aggravated destruction of property and properly aggravating the public, claiming that he was responsible for the destruction of the paint lining of the Linkedinonalog Memorial Reflecting Pool in Washburningdington.
If convicted, Ouchiehernia could receive up to 10 years hard time (with no access to soft drinks, soft serve ice cream or fabric softener).
On the advice of his lawyer, Ouchiehernia is saying, “Ferk being silent, I want this message to be spread far and wide: the paint lining was curling up when I got to the Reflecting Pool. I just wanted to look under it to see what might be hiding there. You know: maybe a buried treasure, maybe the body of Jimmy Hoffadatreadmill, maybe Vesampucceri’s lost innocence. Who knew what could be hidden under there? Imagine my disappointment when all I found was some ugly concrete!”
“I would point out that US Attorney Pirrovictoree only used four reallys when she described Ouchiehernia as a bad guy,” pointed out former prosecutor Joyce Onvancewarpedtur. “This does not meet the five reallys threshold that is necessary for a guilty verdict in the court of public opinion.”
“I would point out that Joyce Onvancewarpedtur is a moron, a partisan hack, and an ugly dresser,” US Attorney Pirrovictoree countered.
“Oh, that hurt,” Onvancewarpedtur counter-countered. “That really, really, really, really hurt.”
What is actually happening to the Reflecting Pool? Experts suggest the paint lining may be coming free from its base because it was laid in direct sunlight, which could cause it to not fully adhere to the concrete below.
“Naah. That ain’t it.” a voice pooh poohed the suggestion.
Okay. The problem could have been that the concrete was not adequately ground down properly; being grainy, it would have made it harder for the paint lining to stick to it uniformly.
“Good guess,” the pooh pooh voice responded, “but that ain’t it, either.”
Ooooo-kaaaay. The problem could have been that the job was rushed, not giving the concrete enough time to dry. This would allow water to get between the concrete and the paint li -“
“I’ll give you credit for trying,” the pooh pooh voice did its thing, “but the problem with all of your theories is that they blame the contractor who laid the paint lining, and I can tell you for a fact that he wasn’t responsible for the damage.”
How can you be so certain, oh pooh pooh voice?
“Because I am the contractor who laid the paint lining!” said Curtis E. Taykowtoowudshed President of Atlantic Industrial Sugar Coatings.
I didn’t see that one coming. But then again, I’m 67 and my eyesight is failing, so I don’t see much of anything coming these days.
AISC was given a no-bid contract to lay the paint lining. Why? “Curtis did my pool 20 years ago,” explained President Ronald McDruhitmumpf. “Great guy, Curtis. Did a great job. We got along great. So I figured – what? The Reflecting Pool is green? Green‽ How the ferk did – the guy who did this is obviously a clown. I don’t know him – Cary? Cartland? Grubachio? Don’t know him – never met him in my life!”
The original estimate for work on the reflecting pool was $1.4 million. The current cost of the work is $14.8 million, but it is expected to rise to deal with the new problems cropping up. I saw that coming a mile away, and I nearly got hit by a bus the other day because it looked to me like a fast moving kitten! Man, I could use some bifocals…or trifocals…or anything focular!
The charge against Ouchiehernia, an Olympian oboist, is that he used his bare hands to pull the paint lining away from the concrete reflecting pool bed. “If the lining hadn’t been pulling away from the concrete in the first place, I would have had to have been the Hulk to separate them!” Ouchiehernia objected. “The big green guy? He could’ve peeled them apart like a grape slushie! But me, I’m just an ordinary guy. I don’t have the strength.
“Oh, and I was an Olympic canoeist, not an oboist.”
Canoeist? So, you played a string instrument?
“Why did I think I would get a fair hearing in the press?” Ouchiehernia moaned.