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The Daily Me Staff
Lawyers Are Not Born, They’re Concocted In An Evil Scientist’s Lab
Ten articling law students have been cleared by the Law Society of Upper Canada of cheating on their bar admission course. “They did appear to collaborate on work they were clearly told they had to complete individually, and we have emails that show that they advised each other to change superficial aspects of their work so as not to get caught,” one Law Society bencher, on condition of anonymity, commented. “They’re going to make incredible lawyers!”
SOURCE: Business Law Daily
Ask Yourself “What Would Jesus Do?” – Then Do The Opposite
The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops recently issued a proclamation permitting bishops to refuse to give communion to pro-choice Catholic politicians. In response, Iranian Ayatollah Ali-Ach-Achackack stated: “That’s what I’m talking about! On behalf of theocrats and wannabe theocrats throughout the world, I would like to welcome America into the league of civilized nations.” However, since the statement appeared on Al-Jazeera, no Americans were aware of it. Maybe that’s why they think irony is dead.
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
Seems Like They Answered Their Own Question
A survey by the United States National Endowment for the Arts shows that Americans are reading less fiction, defined as novels, short stories, plays and poetry, than a decade ago, the latest evidence of a downward trend. Why are people reading less? “The proximate cause is multivariate and diffuse,” the study concluded, “but the preponderance of visual – and increasingly digital – media exacerbates the increasingly moribund literary acculturation.” We couldn’t have put it better ourselves – although lord knows we tried.
SOURCE: Unread Book News
25 Things You Didn’t Know About Hilary Duff
1. She really loves Lindsay Lohan, but it’s not, like, she’s a lesbian or anything, because she’s not.
SOURCE: The Non-existent Pages
The Memory Hole/The Rabbit Hole – It’s Such a Fine Line
Vice President Richard Cheney, taking time away from explaining to the court why he shouldn’t have to answer questions about whom his energy committee met with, asserted on Beat the Press that “there clearly was a relationship. It’s been testified to. The evidence is overwhelming.” Despite his insistence, American intelligence agencies continue to find no evidence connecting the Bush administration with objective reality.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
In a more reflective moment, Cosby stopped trashing Ebonics and talked about his old neighbourhood. “I don’t know,” he stated. “I just don’t know when it got so crazy. Donald was shot and killed by drive by gangbangers who thought he was a member of a rival gang. Russell got busted for selling crack and was shivved in prison. Fat Albert? He got pulled over by cops who didn’t believe the Caddy he was driving belonged to his friend – they choked him to death. Do you believe that? I don’t know – the world of the Huxtables is so much more…stable…”
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
No Complicated Eating Schedules Or Politically Charged Commentary
Have you heard of the new Slim-Fast diet that allows you to lose 165 pounds overnight? You just drop Whoopi Goldberg from your ad campaign for making anti-Bush jokes.
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
You May Be A Terrorist And Not Even Know It!
A controversial security plan that would have asked for highly personal information from people attempting to fly to the United States has been abandoned. However, the US Department of Homeland Security is already planning a new form of it: CRAPPS. The Computer Registry and Passenger Pre-screening System will include the following questions:
- Do you like to rhumba?
- Do you consider yourself a tense, introverted person?
- How many Metallica albums do you own?
- Do you gnash your teeth when you sleep?
- Have you ever taken lessons about how to fly an airplane but, silly you, forgotten to ask how to land?
- How many Metallica albums have you downloaded from the Internet?
- How much money would you say you spend at Wal-Mart in an average month?
- Do you feel comfortable being naked in front of other people?
- Are you an insane, fanatical religious fundamentalist bent on the destruction of the United States and all she stands for?
- Can you name any songs by Metallica?
Critics of the system have suggested that its name tells you all you need to know about its potential effectiveness.
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
The Imminent Threat of the Militarization of Pancake Batter
For months, Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin has been flirting with the idea of having the country join the American missile defense. He has been shameless in the way he has sidled up to space-based lasers and purred in the ear of computer programmes that can tell the difference between incoming warhead laden missiles and civilian jet airplanes. At the same time, Martin has insisted that Canada will not be party to the weaponization of space. As if. Insisting that Canada can be part of a missile defense system without participating in the militarization of space is like believing you can eat your cake, but not consume any flour.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
Wanted: Three veterinary scientists. Must have strong research backgrounds and ability to blindly take orders from superiors. Ability to put qualms aside and keep mouth shut a definite asset. Ideal candidate is a cloned sheep who can carry a clipboard. Apply: Health Canada.
SOURCE: Your Guide To Getting Jobbed
Daniel Libeskind, the main architect for the new World Trade Center, which will replace the twin towers that were destroyed on 9/11, is suing the site’s developer, Larry Silverstein, over what he claims are unpaid fees. “When I said Americans should not let the terrorists change our way of life, or they would win,” President George Bush beamed, “this is exactly what I was talking about!”
SOURCE: USA Whenever