So, you wanna be a writer? Of course you do. People put words together in meaningful combinations all the time, and, heck, you know a lot of words, right? Well, chunky, if you’re serious about being a writer, you should expect very little pay, repeated social humiliation and lots and lots of rejection. But, there is a downside, too. You will be expected to, you know, write.
Do you have what it takes? You’re probably the worst judge. Let us decide for you. Simply take the following test. If you can answer most of the questions correctly, you are probably ready for a rewarding career in the civil service. If you can’t answer the questions, you should probably take an English as a Second Language course. If you throw away the questionnaire and get drunk in a bar and loudly complain about the lack of imagination in the world, congratulations. You’re well on your way to a successful literary career.
Whatever you do, do not send completed questionnaires back to us! We’re all studying to be doctors.
1. Which of the following assignments shows that you have failed as a writer?
a) writing a straight to video Disney cartoon
b) ghost-writing a celebrity biography
c) editing the personal ads in The Podunk Review of Books
d) all of the above
2) Match the improperly used phrase with the proper punishment.
a) but that begs the question
b) I could care less
c) the proof is in the pudding
d) you can have your cake and eat it, too
i) serve as Donald Trump’s assistant…forever!
ii) writing press releases for Tony Clement…forever!
iii) writing songs for an [INSERT COUNTRY NAME HERE] Idol winner…ever!
iv) cleaning up after circus elephants…forever!
3) Which is not a recognized writing style?
a) ionic
b) Mamet
c) peach
4) Finish the following well known phrase: Nothing is certain but death and…
a) weekly patches to fix security problems with Microsoft software.
b) far right economic analysis masquerading as reason from the Fraser Institute.
c) juvenile Jim Carrey movies.
5) What was the last book you read?
a) A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Pretentiousness by David Headgears
b) Dr. Seuss’ Yertl the Turtle Gets a Herniartl
c) X-Freaks, issue 237 (the one where the world is destroyed, and that’s only the front cover!)
6) What do you do to combat writer’s block?
a) I take a tablespoonful of Kaopectate, and by the next day I’m fine
b) with a swift kick to the groin and a knee to the chin when it’s on its way down
c) why would you want to combat those cute little things with the letters on them? Just because you’ve grown up to be a miserable adult doesn’t mean you should slag the things of your youth
7) Why did you want to become a writer?
a) the groupies
b) the vast amounts of money
c) the celebrity
8) Why will you come to hate being a writer?
a) I have to chase them to get the groupies interested in me
b) I have to subsidize my writing with a paper route…across half the city
c) I got more attention writing a letter to my local newspaper about the sewage plant being constructed in my backyard than I did from my first three novels
9) Which of the following passages did not come from a novel that won a Nobel prize for literature?
a) “Margie tore off Michael’s cummerbund with one vicious motion. ‘Oww!’ Michael complained. ‘You have no idea how much that tie thingie cost me!’ Margie looked at Michael with a mixture of pity and tincture of iodine. ‘You have no idea how much this evening is going to cost you!’ she purred.”
b) “The ivory sun rose over the cerulean crustacean as Christobel – the younger of the two brothers, the one whose moustache always drooped, the one who couldn’t be counted upon to define an 11 letter word, the one whose eyes melted (and had to be recast) every time the Congressional Record was sung to him in Swedish, the one who hated every subordinate clause that described him and yet was powerless in their grasp – scratched himself in a private place.”
c) “The rat, it was, that taunted the cat. The cat, it was, that chased the rat. The house, it was, that the cat chased the rat through. The bookcase, it was, that tipped over, crushing the rat and the cat in its literate embrace. Then, Martin came home.”
10) How do you use a thesaurus?
a) very carefully – I usually approach it from behind to maximize the element of surprise
b) I’ve never used a thesaurus in my life! When I let one buy me dinner, I state up front that it’s not going to get laid!
c) I think of a word that I want to find a synonym for, then I look up any word but
11) Where do you get your best ideas?
a) my shower
b) my friend Tina’s shower
c) in my pancreas – don’t ask how I get it down on paper!
d) other
12) What genre would you like to write in?
a) puce, flecked with orange
b) Mamet
c) one with warm Pacific zephyrs
13) What is the Dewey decimal system?
a) the system that keeps track of the number of times the headline proclaiming Dewey President of the United States is mentioned in the press
b) a fraction of what it once was
c) a way of keeping track of how many ketchup stains you make per page of book you’re reading
14) What is wrong with the following sentence: “We must proactively excursionize our interiorizations if we are to maximalize our values?”
a) maximalized values arise out of excursionized exteriorizations, not interiorizations
b) I’m sorry, but I never studied Baudrillard
c) it isn’t English. Oh, sure, it kind of looks and sounds like English, but it isn’t
15) What is the role of modern literature in modern society?
a) it keeps otherwise unemployable people busy as critics
b) something’s gotta be on the bestseller lists, and if it was books that everybody had read, there really wouldn’t be much for us to talk about
c) to take our hopes and dreams and dash them against a wall of cynicism and ugly prose – isn’t that what literature has always been about?
16) What is your favourite writing utensil?
a) a metal pot
b) a package of Rolaids somewhat above room temperature
c) a rolled up copy of the Magna Carta that’s been left out in the rain
17) Would you consider journalism?
a) sure, if it came in a pretty wrapping with a nice bow
b) I would consider it a lot of things, but I think you’re actually asking if I would choose it as a career
c) no, I’ve already had a boil lanced, thank you
18) Would you be interested in the vast sums of money to be made in computer manual writing?
a) of course I would be interested in the vast sums of money, but I would have to write computer manuals to get it, wouldn’t I?
b) sure! I’d just paste half of Ulysses into a new file – everybody knows that nobody reads the manual!
c) a >{sub value} print
19) What goes into the screenplay for a movie?
a) snippets and rails and improbable tales
b) one part personal experience to three parts formula
c) a lot of gin-soaked nights, and who could possibly complain about that?
20) Honestly, do you think you’re cut out to be a writer?
a) absolutely, and I’ve got the bandaids to prove it
b) define “a”
c) sure – I mean, how hard can it be?