You know what the quiz is for. You know not to send it to us. You do the rest.
1) Who does the Rocky Mount, North Carolina statue of Martin Luther King by Erik Blome really look like?
a) what I imagine Gary Coleman would look like if he were a normal height
b) a high school gym teacher with gas
c) Al Jolson with rounder cheeks and more believable black face
d) a black man other than Martin Luther King
2) What is the Stomachion?
a) a 2200 year old mathematical theory that no layperson can stomach
b) a new Star Trek villain
c) Archimedes’ other “Eureka!” moment, the one nobody likes to talk about
d) a new sub-atomic particle (and, aren’t the latest accelerators doing a magnificent job?)
3) What is French President Jacques Chirac’s vision of multiculturalism?
a) everybody is free to follow their conscience, as long as they do what I tell them to do in public
b) Inspector Clouseau negotiating peace treaties with France’s neighbours
c) a country full of people who look and act suspiciously like Jacques Chirac…
4) Why would Chris Stockwell give a Swiss company the right to extract 4.5 million litres per day from the Little Tay River for nothing when he was Ontario Tory environment minister?
a) nobody explained to Stockwell that the environment minister’s job is to protect the environment
b) hey! – people in Switzerland get thirsty, too
c) Stockwell had a Swiss watch fetish (more about him than you probably wanted to know, but What the Heck Do You Know? isn’t for the squeamish)
5) The Bush administration is asking European nations to forgive some or all of the debt incurred by Iraq, arguing that since Saddam Hussein’s government looted the treasury for its own purposes, the money never properly aided the Iraqi people. If this argument becomes commonly accepted, where could it lead?
a) forgiveness of the debt of Argentina, whose Generals used their international aid funds to prosecute a “dirty war” in which 30,000 or more citizens were “disappeared”
b) forgiveness of the debt of the Philippines, where Ferdinand and Imelda Marcos used public funds to amass a private fortune
c) forgiveness of the debt of Brazil…Panama…Indonesia – madness, this will lead to utter madness!
6) Economists are having a difficult time explaining Christmas gift giving, since it doesn’t appear to optimize economic utility. What does this tell us about economists?
a) they need to spend more time with their families and loved ones
b) you should never trust anybody who throws about terms like “optimizes economic utility” in casual conversation
c) sadly, nothing we didn’t already know
7) Which of the following most resonates with you?
a) a conservative is a liberal who has been mugged; a liberal is a conservative whose friends are being investigated by a grand jury
b) a conservative is a liberal who has lost a job opportunity due to affirmative action; a liberal is a conservative trying to get a mediocre minority judge elevated to the Supreme Court because he or she passed an ideological litmus test
c) a conservative is a liberal whose property values are being threatened by the opening of a drug rehabilitation clinic in his or her neighbourhood; a liberal is a conservative whose famous friends keep checking into drug rehabilitation clinics
8) What is your response to the renaming of Dorval airport Pierre Elliott Trudeau International Airport?
a) it gives me the creeping heebie jeebies
b) if this is what most vexes the Partis Quebecois, Quebec sovereignty must really be a dead issue
c) now that the airport’s name has been changed, how will all the citizens of Dorval know where they live?
9) With 599 murders, Chicago is the deadliest city in the United States, three ahead of New York and well ahead of third place Los Angeles. How can Chicago turn this to its advantage with a new slogan for tourists?
a) “Experience the excitement!”
b) “Come with gold, leave with lead!”
c) “Still fewer murders than Iraq!”
10) How do you feel about the concept of putting armed marshals on Air Canada flights?
a) putting guns on planes to eliminate the risk of guns on planes…I can see the logic in that (and, yes, my doctor does think the therapy is working)
b) I guess the in-flight movie won’t be Gunfight at the OK Corral
c) explosive decompression is such a misunderstood concept
d) if they take rifles, they can get a little duck hunting in during the flight
11) Australian crocodile hunter Steve Irwin was slapped on the wrist after feeding a dead chicken to a 13 foot long crocodile with one hand while holding his month old son in his other. What would it take for Irwin to get into real trouble?
a) recreating the “I hate snakes” scene from Indiana Jones with his son in the Harrison Ford role
b) ripping the warning tags off his son’s flammable jammies
c) dangling his son off a balcony
12) Which of the following is the best rhyme for “Parmalat?”
a) we don’t get out to the farm a lot
b) milk executives really know how to form a plot
c) another corporation’s ethics go KERMASPLAT! (I know, I know, but I think Dr. Seuss would have approved…)
13) What did the recent picture of Indian Prime Minister Atal Bihari Vajpayee and Pakistani President Pervez shaking hands most remind you of?
a) deer caught in headlights on the road to peace
b) not especially well constructed waxworks at Madame Tussaud’s
c) Kashmir is not important enough to start a nuclear war over. Really.
14) Now that McDonald’s restaurants are using biometric devices such as palm scanners to keep track of its workers, what other new technologies should it employ to improve its business?
a) scanners that can determine how many bug parts are in individual patties
b) chairs that get hotter over time to encourage customers not to overstay their welcome
c) the latest knowledge of proper nutrition from the meat sciences
15) American diplomats attending trade negotiations in Monterrey, Mexico planned to press Latin American countries to decrease their corruption. How do we know the diplomats are serious about this?
a) they left their “I heart Enron” t-shirts at home
b) they didn’t giggle every time they talked about corporate self-regulation
c) they aren’t the same American officials who insisted that corruption in the US was simply a matter of a few fish who were easily shot in their otherwise clean barrel (although they have gone skinny dipping with those officials)
16) Once Conrad Black sells his homes to pay off his debts, where will he live?
a) with his mother, after which time he’ll change his name to Conrad Bates
b) on the street, and won’t he regret all of his impassioned arguments favouring the dismantling of social services then?
c) in the popular imagination as a symbol of capitalist hubris
17) Which of the following wasn’t a real response to the threat of terrorism?
a) the United States government issuing a warning to citizens to report anybody carrying an almanac
b) Qantas Airlines warning its passengers not to line up to use the toilet while in flight
c) I can’t make up anything more bizarre than that! Give me a break! – I’m only human!
18) How does President Bush justify his vision of putting a base on the moon and having (hu)manned expeditions to Mars?
a) it’s an acid flash-forward
b) even a five trillion dollar federal deficit might leave funding for some social programmes intact, and we can’t have that
c) it’s, like, a vision thing, and, you know, you never have to justify a vision thing
d) he watched JFK and it gave him ideas
19) What qualifications does Belinda Stronach bring to her campaign for the leadership of the Conservative Party of Canada?
a) Laura Linney could play Stronach in the movie version of the leadership convention
b) she can arm wrestle Alliance MP Chuck Strahl to a standstill
c) her supporters include former Prime Minister Brian Mulro – okay, that wouldn’t help, but then there’s former Ontario Premier Mike Harr – okay, you know what, let’s just forget we ever went down this path
20) What does the belief that Prince Charles had Princess Diana killed so that he could be with his male lover tell us about ourselves?
a) we certainly seem to have gotten over our awe towards the royal family
b) the difference between mainstream and tabloid journalism is similar to the difference between yellow and canary yellow
c) we all need a long, hot shower