by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics/Government Deconstruction Writer
There is a reason most criminal activity is carried out at night, and it has nothing to do with hiding the criminal’s no longer girlish figure. Well, not entirely, in most cases. It’s because not as many people are paying attention, and those who are are unlikely to complain about your criming because they’re too busy doing their own.
It was highly suspicious, then, when House Speaker Mike Pullyerownjohnson called for a vote on the Reduhblican’s My Big, Fat, Beautiful Spending Bill at 3:37 in the morning.
“There’s nothing suspicious about it,” Speaker Pullyerownjohnson told a bleary-eyed press corps (at three o’clock the afternoon before the vote – journalists just always look like that). “President McDruhitmumpf won an overwhelming mandate campaigning on cutting the federal deficit. We’re all just so darned eager to get it done for him that we’re willing to mandate an increase in government spending for midnight oil to do it.”
“So much lying!” moaned token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “Ronald McDruhitmumpf won election by the smallest margin in decades. And this bill, with its tax breaks to millionaires and billionaires, could add three to five trillion dollars to the deficit. That’s trillion with a trill!”
You could add to the lie list the fact that not every Reduhblican was eager to vote for the bill. I know I would.
“One third of my constituents rely on the government for their benefits,” said Reduhblican Unrepresentative Mike Lawmorerlessler. “Just the other day, I was talking with a woman in my district who waved her prosthetic finger at me telling me she won’t be able to afford the cream that keeps it from becoming infected if her Medicaid benefits are cut. And there are so many people in her situation. So many! Voting for this budget would be political suicide, and I’m too young to die…even if I am reborn as a lobbyist!”
“This bill puts a bandaid on a sucking chest wound,” pronounced Reduhblican Unrepresentative Thomas Massievattacker. “It’s like trying to stop a cut throat from bleeding with teh quick application of a staple gun. It’s like trying to cure the Plague with leeches. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
Umm…you are a little too enamoured of violent metaphors?
“It doesn’t go far enough!” Unrepresentative Massievattacker roared. “We must cut services to the bone! Slash them! Burn them to the ground! Then, mutilate the corpses so that they are unrecognizable and cannot be resurrect – umm – yeah, okay, maybe I should work on a new set of metaphors. Still, you get the idea.”
“It would be unfortunate if some Reduhblicans in the House voted against the My Big, Fat, Beautiful Spending Bill,” warned Grey House spokesliar Karoline Kleavittbelievitt. “They have to know that there will be consequences for getting in the way of the President doing what the people elected him to do.”
“It’s not what the people elected him to do!” shouted token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam. “On the campaign, he promised that he would not cut Medicare and Medicaid! This is the exact opposite of what the people elected him to do!”
“Don’t mind her – these are difficult times for everybody,” said the token smart person’s common-law partner Arnie Bamshitshotshutshe as he put a kettle on speed-boil. “Does my sweetie want a rosemary boba tea with three times the sugar, twice the milk and no boba or rosemary?”
The loud groan was ambiguous…
“A lot of people are saying that the My Big, Fat, Beautiful Spending Bill is dead on arrival,” observed commentator Rachel O’Schubermatthow. Then, perhaps mindful of Unrepresentative Massievattacker’s rhetorical excesses, she continued: “Or to put it a different way, that the bill has no chance of passing. But if our experience with the nomination of Pete Hedaiggsethative as Defence Secretary taught us anything, it was to put on our footwear one moccasin at a time.”
It didn’t take long for O’Schubermatthow to let the other shoe drop: “I meant the President has ways of bending Reduhblicans to his will that we can only imagine.”
So, one reason for a middle of the night meeting would be to obscure the way Reduhblicans caved to the President’s pressure?
“That’s antisemitic!” Vesampucceri/Israel Political Abdication Committee (VIPAC) President Bernie Kamiskynettoy lustily commented.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to know how, but Kamiskynettoy didn’t give me the chance to express a reservation: “Everybody knows the Passover ceremony contains a song about all of the things that contributed to our people leaving Egypt that happened after midnight. To cast aspersions against that time of day is to insult the Jewish people, you antisemite, you!”
But that has nothing to do with –
“Nope. Sorry. There’s no argument.”
But that –
“Sorry, are you still trying to argue? You can’t.”
But –
“*SIGH* Please stop. You’re just embarrassing yourself by trying to argue.”
Well, that took a turn!