| 1. | Is a government agency or program broken? | |
| NO | 2. | President Ronald McDruhitmumpf breaks it. |
| YES | 3. | President Ronald McDruhitmumpf breaks it more. |
| 4. | Has the lamestream media started reporting on how broken the government agency or program is? | |
| NO | GO TO 3 | |
| YES | 5. | President McDruhitmumpf announces that he has written an Executive Order that fixes the problem. |
| 6. | Does the Executive Order actually fix the problem? | |
| NO | 7. | Of course it doesn’t! President McDruhitmumpf has the attention span of a gnat – he probably forgot about the government agency or program the moment after he broke it…and again the moment after he Executive Ordered about it! – and he has the problem-solving ability of a three year-old who just inhaled a box of Oreos! Does he sound like the sort of person who can fix problems? |
| YES | 8. | Are you on crack? Of course the Executive Order doesn’t fix the problem! Have you already forgotten about the gnat and the toddler on an Oreo bender things? |
| 9. | Are lamestream journalists still focused on the broken government agency or program? | |
| YES | 10. | President McDruhitmumpf holds a press conference where he gets members of his Cabinet to fawningly (not fauningly, which is the sort of thing that only happens in rural folk tales and Irish New Age music) talk about why the chaos at the government agency or program is the fault of former President Joe Bidenhisbeeswax, what a genius President McDruhitmumpf is for fixing the problem, how much Vesampuccerians are going to love what President McDruhitmumpf has done once they get over the pain that the chaos at the government agency or program is causing them, or some combination of the three. GO TO 9 |
| NO | GO TO 1 |
NOTES
They say that doing the same thing and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. They also say that when you’ve got a good thing going, stick with it. Either they’re very confused or they are Make Vesampucceri Great Again supporters – if that’s not redundant.
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf is not what most people would consider a deep thinker (his idea of great literature is the menu at a Bob So Tasty burger restaurant), so when confronted with the need for a playbook, it’s best to keep it short. Like, a single play taking one – two pages at most to describe. The executive summary should be a sentence. How a Cabinet member summarizes the executive summary should be no more than seven words.
You might think that one play would be insufficient to solve the wide array of problems a president must deal with every single day. It’s adorable that you think President McDruhitmumpf works every day. Don’t ever change. The point is to create a play with such broad strokes that even somebody in a hamberder-induced coma could understand it.
Boiled down to its essence, “The President McDruhitmumpf Breaking News (With an Accent on the “Breaking”) Algorithm” consists of three parts: 1) breaking something; 2) claiming to fix what you’ve just broken; 3) basking in the appreciation of your adoring mob. (The algorithm may have a few extra steps because of rounding.)
EXAMPLE: 1) put 1,000% tariffs on all foreign goods everywhere for all time to stop bird flu from crossing the border into Vesampucceri; 2), cut tariffs back to only 999% on everything except chopsticks, chapsticks and M&Ms (except the brown ones) everywhere (except France) and allowing them to expire when the sun goes supernova; 3) have Treasury Secretary (or so we’re told – it’s hard to believe based on his accomplishments) Howard Slutnickotiemowt go on Foxindehenhaus News to talk about how brilliant the President has to be to point out the obvious truth that tariffs aren’t paid by anyone!
ANOTHER EXAMPLE: 1) cut all staff except a couple of janitors and an electrician at the Social Insecurity Administration in order to root out “fraud, waste and anything partisan” (FWAP); 2) reinstate half of the staff you just cut, claiming you didn’t realize that everybody’s elderly grandmother was not getting her Social Insecurity checks, and she was getting “veeeeeery hungry” (but glue the handset of every phone in the office to its cradle to achieve the desired end); have RFK Jr go on Foxindehenhaus News to tell Vesampuccerians that if they melt down half dollars and inject the liquid into their right eyeball, they will be safe from measles and never have to use that eye to see the evils of the world again, oh and by the way, President McDruhitmumpf’s policy on Social Insecurity is brilliant.
YET ANOTHER EX – WHAT? WE’VE MADE OUR WORD COUNT? ALRIGHTY, THEN – WE’RE GOING TO MAKE THIS AN EX EXAMPLE AND GO STRAIGHT TO THE DISCLAIMER.
As those who have followed our work know, “The President McDruhitmumpf Breaking News (With an Accent on the “Breaking”) Algorithm” is descriptive rather than proscriptive, which is to say it reveals the world as it is, now how we would like it to be. Trust us: nobody in their right mid would want the world to be like this!