When you think about, the government would be doing us all a great favour by setting up a ministry whose mandate would be to bring the world closer to our individual expectations. I mean, where would you prefer your tax dollars to go: towards another First Minister’s conference on inter-provincial relationships, or to bringing your dream of pitching in a World Series one step closer to being realized?
We’re all adults here (and, for those of you who aren’t, you really ought to explain the concepts of filters to your parents), so let’s admit the sad truth: life never gives us quite what we want. So, we settle. And, often, even what we’re prepared to settle for seems to be beyond our grasp.
You know what I’m talking about…
YOU WANT: peace on Earth. YOU’LL SETTLE FOR: a piece of the Earth. YOU’LL GET: peace when you’re under the earth.
YOU WANT: a life less ordinary. YOU’LL SETTLE FOR: a life more or less ordinary. YOU’LL GET: less life.
YOU WANT: the respect of your peers. YOU’LL SETTLE FOR: the respect of your mate and children. YOU’LL GET: the respect of your dog (as long as you remember to feed it regularly).
YOU WANT: passion that lasts. YOU’LL SETTLE FOR: a partner who doesn’t fart in bed. YOU’LL GET: a partner who wears diapers in bed…not by choice.
YOU WANT: Grand Theft Auto for your birthday. YOU’LL SETTLE FOR: a Teletubbies video for your child’s birthday. YOU’LL GET: a fruitcake for Christmas.
YOU WANT: to run with the top dogs. YOU’LL SETTLE FOR: a little excitement every now and again. YOU’LL GET: two children, a house in the suburbs with a brutal mortgage and a partner who only intermittently empathizes with you.
YOU WANT: a Rolls. YOU’LL SETTLE FOR: a Chevy. YOU’LL GET: a Volkswagen.
YOU WANT: work that fulfills you and makes the world a better place. YOU’LL SETTLE FOR: work that doesn’t bore you stiff and doesn’t make the world a worse place…much…while you’re looking… YOU’LL GET: work that will take 10 years off your life and that contributes to either global warming, the plunder of the resources of the developing world or the dumbing down of your culture…or some combination of the three.
YOU WANT: a movie that will help you see the world more clearly. YOU’LL SETTLE FOR: a movie that entertains you for a couple of hours. YOU’LL GET: a movie that you can’t remember five minutes after you’ve left the theatre.
YOU WANT: to change the world. YOU’LL SETTLE FOR: changing the people around you. YOU’LL GET: not being able to change your underwear without the nurse’s help.
YOU WANT: two children, a house in the suburbs with a mortgage you can handle and a partner who empathizes with you. YOU’LL SETTLE FOR: a little excitement every now and again. YOU’LL GET: having to keep up with the top dogs.
YOU WANT: Cary Grant. YOU’LL SETTLE FOR: Ben Affleck. YOU’LL GET: Buddy Hackett.
YOU WANT: a politician you can trust. YOU’LL SETTLE FOR: a politician who doesn’t disgust you. YOU’LL GET: George Bush or Jean Chretien.
YOU WANT: to create a TV series that is so good, people will weep with joy and gratitude after watching it. YOU’LL SETTLE FOR: being part of the writing team on a daytime soap you otherwise wouldn’t watch. YOU’LL GET: a position teaching screenwriting to bored students who would really rather direct.
YOU WANT: underwear that fits you like a second skin. YOU’LL SETTLE FOR: briefs that don’t ride up your crack too often, or, at least, that you can put back in place discreetly. YOU’LL GET: thong underwear.
YOU WANT: a four week paid vacation. YOU’LL SETTLE FOR: a two week unpaid vacation. YOU’LL GET: a weekend at the cottage at the height of mosquito season.
YOU WANT: to be a successful wife, mother and businesswoman. YOU’LL SETTLE FOR: a husband who learns better after the first time he cheats on you, children who know better than to “accidentally” burn down their school and a business that manages not to go bankrupt. YOU’LL GET: Prozac.
YOU WANT: a thick, juicy steak with mushrooms and onions. YOU’LL SETTLE FOR: a thick, juicy hamburger with all the fixings. YOU’LL GET: Hamburger Helper.
YOU WANT: the whole enchilada. YOU’LL SETTLE FOR: the glass that’s half full. YOU’LL GET: running on empty.
Sorry to disillusion you. Still, it could be worse. After all, imagine how much worse what you get would have been if you hadn’t started with such high expectations!