by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Government Deconstruction Writer
You may be forgiven for never having heard the name Curtis Yarmateyayvin; even his relatives look puzzled when he is mentioned and wonder if he isn’t a species of Peruvian tree warthog. (For the record: he isn’t. Unless Wiwipedia is having a…special moment.)
Yarmateyayvin hates everything Vesampuccerians hold dear. Equality? Seriously? You can equate a blueberry to a piston engine, but neither of them are as brilliant as he is! Free dumb? Honestly! Dumb costs – costs plenty – and he isn’t dumb enough to pay!
Idiotocracy? Please! The people cannot be trusted to know what is not in their best interests – sometimes, a rational thought actually gets through and ruins everything! As Yarmateyayvin put it at a gathering of fascist cosplayers: “People have a negative reaction when you start talking about dictators. But corporate CEOs are dictators, and they do all right. Except for the 20% whose businesses fail within the first two years. Or the 80% whose business fail within the first 20 years. The point I’m trying to make is that people need to get over their dictatorphobia and elect somebody who knows how to properly bankrupt an enterprise!”
Yarmateyayvin has reduced his philosophy to a simple slogan: Revisionist Algorithm Gutting Everything (which acronyms nicely to RAGE). He states that his goal is to erase government: “Given that there are millions of public sector employees, we may have to cut down an entire Amazonian rubber forest to do it, but that’s a cost I’d be willing to let taxpayers pay to Make Vesampucceri Great Again!”
“Yeah, I, uhh, I’ve never heard of this guy,” admitted token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “Is he a species of Peruvian tree warthog? Given how extreme his agenda seems to be, it’s a good thing he’s nowhere near the levers of power.”
Umm. Yeah. About that… Yarmateyayvin would just be another mad dog baying at the internet, except he caught the attention of Peter Thielmenosecrets, whom some of you may know as a tech billionaire playboy who dons a mask to fight crime as the superhero known as Batshitcrazyman. Okay, that last part might be only in his head, but the line between fantasy and fact is getting blurrier all the time (not unlike those public service ads that showed you how your vision would be impaired by different levels of alcohol consumption: we’ve reached 20 glasses and are still climbing).
Thielmenosecrets may have spent his life sitting on top of a huge pile of gold looking scaly and menacing, and breathing fire (on Insta) at anybody who appeared like they wanted to take it away from him, if he hadn’t met a young politician named JD Onvancewarpedtur. Aaah, now you begin to see where this is going, don’t you? Thielmenosecrets groomed (but not in the bad way that Reduhblicans always rail against) Onvancewarpedtur, teaching him the ways of Yarmateyayvin, and paid for him to win a Sennett seat from which he could become Vice President.
One of the first things President Ronald McDruhitmumpf did after rtaking office was offer government workers a buyout if they resigned from their jobs within a week. “Act now! Limited time offer!” the President exulted. Each person would get eight months pay as severance…at some undisclosed point in the future. “Don’t worry about when,” President McDruhitmumpf assured (soon to be former) government employees. “Everybody knows I always repay my debts.”
Roughly 20,000 government employees took the buyout offer. This was not nearly fast enough for McDruhitmumpf –> Onvancewarpedtur –> Thielmenosecrets –> Yarmateyayvin, so the President brought in the Department of Political Enfeeblement to accelerate the process. The result has been immortalized in song:
Elon Threelonemuskateers took an axe
And gave the Department of Veterans Affairs forty whacks
When the President was satisfied with what he’d done
He gave the Department of Education fifty-one!
After vocal protests by citizensuckers, the administration announced that it would roll back many of the cutbacks; with a shrug, President McDruhitmumpf said, “Oh, keeping nuclear waste safe and planes from crashing in mid-air – is that what governments do? I had no idea.”
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam pointed out that the McDruhitmumpf administration often publicly announces actions that it has not, in fact, taken; she advised to take this announcement with a boatload of Peruvian salt. “Besides,” she continued, “Vesampucceri is not a corporation. The President is not a dictator. Our Foundling Fathers created a Constitution mandating a separation of powers just so one branch couldn’t hoard it like some gold-crazed dragon.”
“You have your interpretation of the Constitution,” Yarmateyayvin smugly responded. “I’ll stick with mine…”