by PHILOMENA DUMBROWSKI-MANISCHEVITS, Alternate Reality News Service Unintended Consequences Writer
A Boewing 746 (“We try harder”) airplane making its descent into Kennebunkedy Airport flying so low you would think it was taxiing, rammed into an actual taxi, exploding on impact and killing all 247 passengers. The taxi driver’s airbag inflated on impact, so he walked away from the collision with minor burns.
This is the seventeenth accident involving airplanes since President-in-Name-Only Ronald McDruhitmumpf took office three weeks ago. They include: a commercial jet flying into an air ambulance; an air ambulance flying into a commercial jet; and a private airplane flying into a cow. (To be fair, it was a big cow.)
Before this, there hadn’t been a mid-air collision in over a decade. Why is it happening now? Because President-in-Reality Elon Threelonemuskateers wanted it to.
Earlier this year, a rocket sent up by Threelonemuskateers’ company SpacedX exploded in the atmosphere, sending debris in a plume that covered miles. (No, Threelonemuskateers didn’t need a nom de plume, he cheerfully admitted he was responsible, arguing that the explosion was actually a celebratory fourth of July fireworks display, even though it happened in January.)
You know how, in science fiction movies, star ship pilots sometimes have to manoeuvre through asteroids fields, zigging and zagging and just missing crashing about a million billion times? Thrilling, right? Not so much in the real world, where pilots are not trained to manoeuvre through falling space ship debris. (Except for hotshot pilot Garbanzo Taranchulazim; the eulogies at his funeral all emphasized his superior flying skills.)
Dozens of commercial flights had to be routed around the falling debris. (If they wanted to be more realistic, science fiction movies should make their heroes air traffic controllers.)
This is the sort of thing that gets the attention of the Federal Aviation Commission (FAC). Director Mike Makewhittierack froze all SpacedX launches until the company could assure the FAC that its space programme wouldn’t kill anybody.
This got up the nose of Threelonemuskateers (which is surprising given the amount of substances rumoured to already be there). “This is government overreach worse than my Uncle Adolf, who used to tower over the dinner table to get to the braised wolf brisket on the other side. We cannot – must not – Will Arbuthawlfernot allow unelected officials to impede our path to the stars. What? What’s that? Irony impaired? No, I would say I have a good appreciation of – oh. Umm…would you like to see me pirouette? I think I have really nailed the technique!”
A week later (ten days using the metric system), Makewhittierack was gone. He was most likely firesigned (given an ultimatum that he would be fired if he did not resign); it makes about as much sense as Don’t Crush That Dwarf, Hand Me the Pliers. Just to be on the safe side, Co-President McDruhitmumpf dismantled the Aviation Security Advisory Committee, fired 100 top FAA security officers and…I think I may be forgetting something, here – what was it? – I had it just a minute a – oh, right! He froze hiring of all air traffic controllers.
The “safe side” being relative to where your interests lie.
“Looks like air crashes – hic – are about to become – hic – the new school shoot – hic – ings,” commented token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “Something everybody – hic – deplores but nobody – hic – does anything about. Hic. It will be – hic – interesting to see – hic – how Reduhblicans hide – hic – behind the Second – hic – Amendment – hic – to justify – hic – Congressional inaction.”
When I asked her if she was alright, the token smart person answered, “This is – hic – just – hic – a – hic -” I realized that if I tried to publish her entire response, it would take several pages and, while no doubt fascinating to some, it would take space away from other articles which are likely important to somebody, so I decided to paraphrase her instead: when she gets too excited by the news, it causes her epiglottis to spasm, which sounds like hiccups to people not trained as medical doctors. Harmless, but annoying.
When asked why the crashes were happening, President McDruhitmumpf claimed that the pilots responsible were DEI hires. When asked what DEI meant, he responded, “DEI. You know – DEI. It – yes, I know what it stands for. Dunking… Umm… Excrement and Investigations. Dunking Excrement Investigations – that’s what’s taking jobs away from poor, hard-working white airplane pilots. It starts in Greenland and ends in tragedy. That’s why we’re taking over Greenland.”
I wanted to ask if he knew that all of the pilots involved in the crashes were Caucasian. Given that, could this be a case of reverse reverse discrimination? Unfortunately, he was already talking about using crocodiles to patrol his – oops, he meant Vesampucceri’s Arctic, so good luck getting an answer!