by ELMORE TERADONOVICH, Alternate Reality News Service Film and Television Writer
Remakes are a blatant cash grab that play on our nostalgia of the original films or TV series. Since “blatant cash grab” seems to be the motto of the McDruhitmumpf administration (is it etched above the doorway of the Grey House yet? If not, it’s only a matter of time), this tracks. (No, not 8-tracks, not any – oh, that’s a dig at my age? Ha ha. Very funny…not!) But are Vesampuccerians really nostalgic for a show that was only cancelled four years ago?
That is the dilemma of the return of Miami ICES.
The show about the brave men and women of the Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service who risk getting nerf balls thrown at them when they raid public schools and being deafened by the rattling of rosaries when they raid churches is back. And it’s something of a mixed bag.
On the one hand, the production values are much better. Now, immigrants are walked across the tarmac to military airplanes worth up to $800,000 per flight which will send them on the journey out of the country. In the original, immigrants were transported out of the country on shabby $100,000 flights. The difference is visually impressive.
On the other hand, viewers were promised a much larger cast, one estimated at 10 to 20 million characters. That would have been an epic production that would have made MGM’s Lion squeak when he was trying to roar. Unfortunately, based on the first week’s episodes, less than 100 people were loaded onto the plane; this was not the spectacle we were promised.
Worse: many of the people who were arrested were seriously miscast. Executive Director Ronald McDruhitmumpf promised that he would only arrest and deport hardened criminals; yet, a quick look at some of the bios of some of the cast members on the Internet Police Movie Database shows that half of the people being herded onto the planes have never committed a crime. How are they supposed to project the proper air of menace when they are obviously worried about the future of their families? I’m sure they’re fine people, but I just didn’t buy their performances.
Celebrity appearances at raids by people like Dr. Phil QuickDrawersMcGraw (is he even still a celebrity?) don’t help. He tries to act tough, but having to whisper under his breath, “Pretend you don’t know me. I know I’m awesome and famous and all, but you’re embarrassing me in front of my new ICES friends,” gives off some real Apocalypse Now! vibes.
Border Czar Tom Hohoholearthmann (a role that was rumoured to have been previously played by former Vice President Kamala Harristweedfashin, although no footage of her in the role has ever been publicly screened) brings a studied lunatic heartlessness (which fans of the show often mistake as earnest public service) to the role. He reminded me a lot of Theophilus “Bullpucky” Connoroutolines in the 1963 film A Racial Bridge Too Far, although without the previous actor’s ability to convey outraged confusion.
I would call Hohoholearthmann the lead actor on the show, but, of course, President McDruhitmumpf considers himself the lead of every show he produces. So far, that hasn’t resulted in much tension onscreen, but it could be a source of drama in future episodes.
One can only hope. While the new toys on Miami ICES are pretty to look at, the drama has been pretty stiff. So far, there has been nothing to compare to scenes of children being torn from their parents, which were a staple of the first go-round of the series, for dramatic impact. A long line of men in chains shuffling onto a plane doesn’t compare. Even one shot of dozens of children in cages could give the series a jolt of much-needed energy.
If the producers want the show to be as massive a hit this time around, they have to ramp up the drama in future episodes.
It is also true that the scripts don’t break much ground. How often did we hear President McDruhitmumpf say, “Immigrants are destroying the fabric of our nation,” in the original series? True, his dialogue has been peppered this time with stories of Haitians eating the pets of innocent Vesampuccerians and, for some inexplicable reason, talk of sharks and refrigerators in the ocean, but it isn’t really much of an advance over the dialogue of the original series. Fans are undoubtedly okay with that, but the rest of us may wonder why the series couldn’t get better writers.
The problem with remakes is that the culture has moved on. If they stay true to the original, they may have trouble picking up fans; but if they try to be contemporary, they may alienate original fans. On the other hand, maybe resurrecting the series four years later was a shrewd move. Miami ICES may be one of the rare shows whose second incarnation has an even more rabid fan base than its first.