Thank you, Gabba Gabba – Hey!, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we heard some of the allegations against Neil Gaiman, and we were sadly reminded of the truism: “Celebrity corrupts; absolute celebrity corrupts absolutely.”
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
When Government Leaders Are Vampires, Don’t Be Surprised By A Run On Blood Banks
In light of the Trump administration’s policy of “hate the immigrant, not necessarily immigration,” the Pentagon deployed 1,500 troops to the American border to “secure the damn thing.” In the six months that the troops have been there, on average the US has stopped three more immigrants from illegally crossing the border per month than did the Biden administration.
“The important thing was never that the policy would work,” President Donald Trump commented. “I never promised that it would work. I only promised that I would do something. And I did. Promise made, promise kept. And, to commemorate this historic achievement, I ask you to buy some of these Donald Trump victory bullets, each adorned with my distinctive signature. They come in a variety of shell sizes – perfect for any gun you may own! When you kill that inner city punk who looks like they might be contemplating some awful crime, know that you do it with my blessing. Yours now for the low, low price of $399 for a box of 20 rounds!”
White House adviser Stephen Miller added: “That count may be underestimating the value of our efforts. Given the greater scrutiny of the border, I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of people died trying to cross illegally, or were killed by the mules who promised to get them into the country. What can I say? I like to think that I’m an optimist…”
SOURCE: Jesse “Broken” Watters Primetime
[https://www.fixed.com/jesse-broken-watters-primetime/]
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To Be Fair, Who You Hate Is A Good Indicator Of Who You Are…
Last night’s debate between Liberal leadership candidates Chrystia Freeland, Karina Gould and Mark Carney has garnered a variety of responses.
On Earth Prime 3-8-6-0-2-9 dash omicron, pundits thought the debate was too wonky, that it focused far too much on policy. “Boring!” said the Globe and Mail headline. “If saying that the Liberal leadership debate was a cure for insomnia is a cliche,” wrote Rosie DiManno in the Toronto Star, “I don’t mind being called a hack writer.”
On Earth Prime 3-8-6-0-1-7 dash nu, pundits thought the debate was too light on policy, focusing too much on platitudes and personal attacks. “Empty!” said the Globe and Mail headline. “The whole point of a candidates’ debate is to get a sense of their positions on the issues,” wrote Rosie DiManno in the Toronto Star. “Other than hating each other, I have no idea where any of them stand!”
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=42641317294641308187fx]
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The Israeli Prime Minister Decided To Declare A Fire Sale In Gaza: Everything Must Go!
1 day at a time) United States President Donald Trump has floated the concept of an idea to “just clean out” Gaza. What did he mean by this?
a) the government of Gaza needs to sweep its forests clean of brush to keep fires to a minimum
b) if it doesn’t get enough fibre in its diet, Gaza may have to go on a cleanse to flush toxins out of its system
c) ethnic cleansing is the new black
2 much to take in all at once) Who would benefit from such an action?
a) Benjamin “Still Not in Jail, Suckers” Netanyahu
b) Vladimir “Not the Impaler, Though I Can Understand Your Confusion” Putin
c) Christian Zionists, who feel the hairs on the back of their hands standing up and interpret it to mean the End Times are near
d) all of the above
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Prime Minister Trudeau Read His Horoscope And Headed For The Hills
The tea leaves have been read. The entrails of a squirrel run over on Queen’s Park Circle have been pored over for their possible meaning. Bones have been rolled. In the end, Ontario Premier Doug Ford has decided that US President Donald Trump’s threat of tariffs on Canadian goods is an actual threat to Canada’s economy that needs to be dealt with in equally harsh measure.
Unfortunately, Alberta Premier Danielle Smith got her eldest mages to read the omens in the sky (they disregarded the clouds in the shape of Pokemon, as is their custom), and they determined that the American leader’s threat of tariffs was not serious, and, in any case, the province’s oil would be exempted so it’s all good.
As long as there is a rational basis for the policies of politicians, who needs Canadian unity?
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2025/01/23/irrationalecnomicpremier250123]
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I Mean, If You Can Wait Seven Years For A War To End, You Can Wait A Decade Or Two For Some Guy Who Obviously Doesn’t Take Care Of Himself To Die
Either Way, You’ll Have An Eternity To Deal With The Consequences
Somebody on TwitterX asked why so many Christians seemed to love Israel but hate Jews. It’s me. I’m to blame. I didn’t mean to, but neither am I sorry.
I’m a Jew who has not intention of moving to Israel to live. Been there. Done that. Hated the t-shirt. You’d have to drag me kicking and screaming back there, probably dressed in full Hannibal Lecter gear.
Why should Christians care what some schlubby Jew who lives in the suburbs thinks about Israel? Because when all of the other Jews in the world have moved to Israel, I will be the last person standing between Christians and the End Times, when a war lasting seven years will result in Jesus establishing heaven on Earth.
People can get really touchy when you interfere with their spiritual salvation.
SOURCE: Gerald’s Next To Penultimate Conspiracy Page
[http://www.ignoregeraldatyourperil.com/conspiracy2288.html]
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But What Will Happen When Customer Service No Longer Includes Couches?
Amazon Canada says it will close all seven of its Quebec warehouses and lay off 1,700 permanent and 250 temporary staff members. Could this have something to do with the fact that they managed to unionize last year?
“No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, absolutely not, definitely nix on that, uh uh, major uh uh, no way, no connection, and anybody who says there is is just flat out wrong,” said Amazon. “We have just decided that, in the wake of union demands to increase payment at the Quebec warehouses, it would be financially advantageous to our customers to hire a third party to deliver packages.”
So, wait, doesn’t that mean that the unionization of the warehouses is the reason for closing them?
“Well, okay, you got me,” Amazon replied. “But I figure if I couch it in terms of customer service, it won’t sound so bad…”
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49ddcdc7-f6f3-4f4f-9f25-a2eb4cc6a471]
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